just found out that i am adopted?!?!

I can completely relate, as I'm sure others can too, to all your questions about the circumstances of your relinquishment, who you look like, etc... I have all those same questions. I guess the difference is that I have known all my life that I am adopted... I am so sorry that you had to find out at 18 - what a shock this must be. I was relinquished the day of my birth - not even ten days afterwards. But no adoptee can really know what is in the heart of their birthmother - each individual is so different. Each circumstance is so different. I found out a couple of weeks ago from my non-identifying information that my bmom was raped. Because of that, I was terrified to make contact. But I sent a letter anyway, and it turns out she is happy to hear from me. I thought for sure she'd want nothing to do with me because she was raped. So as you can see, it is impossible to know what is in a person's heart. Also, try to remember, that as a person, you have not changed - the only thing that has changed is your knowledge of your background. This does not make you any less of a person. I am sorry about your parents not being big on talking. My family is a bit dysfunctional, but I have worked through it with them. I am 35 now, but I remember being around 20 and not wanting anything to do with them and not feeling close to them. I just want to offer you a big hug, and please know that there are lots of very supportive people here. Take care! Cat

Communication is key here You have just found out and may feel as if you have been lied to for all these years, you havent, your parents have tried to protect you.... social services have access to councellors however start with further discussion with your parents as they may be able to give you further information which they may have recieved when you were adopted. Place your trust in them they have afterall brought you up as their own until now Hope you take this advice and it helps. Jane

I totally agree with you about just wanting to know who they= are, not even meet. I just want a picture!! To see who I look like. My parents told me when I guess I was a little over six or so. My bmom did open adoption, and so my aparents took me home when I was about three days old. I think that you might want to talk jmore to your aparents and siblings, and tell them your feelings. And follow the adivce of others.

I have never heard of any condition caused by a mother having a lot of children. (And I'm Catholic! A small family was 4 when I was growing up.) You might want to explore that further. Your head really must be spinning. I am so sorry all of this is just being made known to you. It is an awful lot to process. I think it is important not to jump to conclusions about what the motives of your birthparents were. There are so many possibilities as to why your birthparents could not raise you... poverty, social stigma, wanting you to have more than they felt they could give you. There is a very real chance that your birthmom loves you and continues to think about you. My point is to just be open to those possibilities.

WOW! I can't even imagine finding out I'm adopted just now. Your mind must be just racing with all kinds of thoughts. Adoption doesn't happen because WE AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. Please don't ever think that. Very few of us were kept for any length of time and I think that there are always reasons that we were placed. Usually because our birth parents were too young. Hugs

chautkiz12 I'd like to throw in my .02 as a birthmother in reunion w/ my birthdaughter. You have been given some very, very good advice here. First and foremost is taking time for YOU, absorbing it all, and not being rushing into anything. However, there is one piece of advice I disagree w/. That is the advice on how to 'treat' your adoptive parents. I strongly believe that the adoptee is the innocent one in adoption. Your adoptive parents (as well as your birthparents) are "big boys and girls", they can look out for themselves. They should all have YOUR best interest at heart. I don't want to sound as tho' I'm saying that it's OK to be outright cruel/spiteful/hateful, but I most certainly would NOT walk on eggshells. Your adoptive parents should be open to answering any and all of your questions. You didn't place the "eggshells" there, and it's not your responsibility to worry about them. No, I'm not an adoptee, but I would imagine it's a tough place to be, not to mention having it sprung on you at the age of 18. Please take care of YOU first and foremost. Read, read, read and educate yourself as much as possible and take things slow! You will be in my thoughts and prayers :flower:

I haven't seen this thread before, and I hope you don't mind my responding. (I'm an adoptive mom). I am so sorry for this shock you've been dealt. You must be wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. I imagine that you feel so unsure right now. What I noticed is how your family doesn't want to talk about things, but your brother has apparently had the need to talk with people about your adoption. I understand your disappointment and possible betrayal in learning that he was telling your story. I wonder though, if he might be a blessing in disguise for you. Maybe he knows more than your parents are ready to share with you. Maybe he doesn't.. but he seems to need to communicate about this, too. I wonder if you could approach him with your feelings about this? I'm not in your shoes, but in some very intense times in my life, the only confidante I had was my older brother. Who is typically very quiet, but was so there for me. I wonder if your brother might be there for you, too. I hope you are surprised and are able to get some answers. I am sorry for your shock and the conflicting emotions you are probably going through.

Hi there, I am an adoptee that found out I was adopted when I was an adult. I was 28 when I found out. At that time I was a new mom with a six month old baby. So when I found out I was thankful that I was adopted and that I was given a better life. But now 17 years later I am 45 and my adoption issues have resurfaced. I'm thinking that your feeling that you have been lied to. Did you always wonder? I know that when I found out at 28 I had a "I am not surprised feeling, it's like I always knew in the back of my mind. Did you sense that?? Do you feel like you want to go and seek out your biological family? I know that presently I am feeling confused about it. Not sure what direction to take. I am hoping to find other adoptee's that found out about their adoption in thier adult years so that I can find a common ground with them and perhaps help me with my confusion as to what direction I want to take. keep in touch, let me know how things are going.

Please remember your aparents love you. My daughter is 18 this year too. She found out when she was younger. My prayers are with you and your family.

Hiya Chautkiz...and welcome to the Forums again. I also am an adoptee and I found out as a child from a neighborhood boy, so i'm not really sure if and when my aparents would have told me....this place is wonderful to discuss your feelings and hear how some of us have handled this period of unknown feelings. I totally agree with mrs smith on the don't push your aparents away...I sortof did that initially when I found my b-family...but you can't erase the years that you have had with them and you really don't know what you will find out about your bfamily. I hope you can find some buddies here and in chat...it really helped me get through some tough times...Good luck, Hnny [url]http://www.freewebs.com/barbs-daughter[/url]

a couple of points I'd like to make. India is both a place of great wealth and horrendous poverty.Be proud that your mother DID give you to an orphanage, when babies can be left out to die, or dropped into the Ganges, etc. That alone shows that she DID love you.Now also as to the poverty, what a wonderful thing she did for you, to give you the chance she didn't have at a good life. She must have been a remarkable woman.Second point, I don't believe that anything is a coincidence or happens for no reason. Your two mothers are the answers to prayers for each other. ( not to mention you father and siblings). NO person is born unwanted, you know, just unexpected.You have as much worth as anybody else in this world.I don't know much about international adoptions, but, a lot of parents adopt internationally and if you see a India adoption, perhaps that parent or parent to be can give you some ideas on how to look.I suppose the LOGICAL place would be the orphanage if you have the name of it. Good place to start.Did you google Indian orphages?good luck in your search and God bless youdmca

I am sorry you're in a lot of pain. My guess is your parents were misinformed or weren't informed at all and thought it was best not to tell you about the adoption until you were a legal "adult." I believe they had the best of intentions. I understand that sometimes the best intentions just aren't good enough.Please don't feel that you did anything to cause your birthmom to leave you at an orphanage. I have two sisters who were left on porches of orphanages when they were infants. I have always believed it was so they would be cared for, have food, shelter, etc.Give yourself some time to absorb this. You are now on the official adoptee rollercoaster! I am not an adoptee myself so I can not relate to you, I just know how my sisters felt growing up.I hope you find some answers and some peace. I also hope you're able to forgive.

thanks to everyone for the posts that followed mine. i've actually been in thailand for the past month without internet access, so i've been a little absent from the forum. i start college in 4 days and i have so much to think about...thanks for all your advice. the whole "no child is born unwanted, just unexpected" really struck me. the orphanage has no clue about my parents. at this orphanage, you can just put the baby outside in the crib, (a little bell rings when pressure is placed on the crib), walk away, and then they come and pick up the baby soon after. thats the story. i literally feel at a dead-end right now. i dont think i'll ever find them. maybe over time i'll be okay with us, i dont know. thanks again and im reflecting on what everyone has said. once i move in to college, i'll be back on here again...ahh! too much traveling :)

i feel for u i do, at 36 i found out am now 40, cannot get my head around it, even though am older than u, i know where your head is, there are too many questions,feeling also betrayed in some way by a.parents wotever their dumb excuse, im sorry but it is a lot to ask that a person get there head around what they had always known to be true is actuallly, not, infact there isnt many answers at all, and if u want them u need to look 4 urself, also the added insult to injury of dealing with a.parents feeling threatened they wont mean so much as birth relatives, or now they admit they are insecure of the idea u want to search, thats there problem i say, we have more than enuf now thanks to the simple fact that our a.parents have never been truthful with us, which in fact i believe is very wrong as it leads to more feelings of insecurity for the adoptee, and if bitterness seeps into the mind then everyone suffers. Its not an adventure, the grass isnt always greener, one day you'll wake up from the shock and find its really real, acceptance is a wonderful thing. Late discovery adoptees links can be really helpful just for your sanity,the laws are a joke, whatever u decide, i hope you find peace x

i feel for u i do, at 36 i found out am now 40, cannot get my head around it, even though am older than u, i know where your head is, there are too many questions,feeling also betrayed in some way by a.parents wotever their dumb excuse, im sorry but it is a lot to ask that a person get there head around what they had always known to be true is actuallly, not, infact there isnt many answers at all, and if u want them u need to look 4 urself, also the added insult to injury of dealing with a.parents feeling threatened they wont mean so much as birth relatives, or now they admit they are insecure of the idea u want to search, thats there problem i say, we have more than enuf now thanks to the simple fact that our a.parents have never been truthful with us, which in fact i believe is very wrong as it leads to more feelings of insecurity for the adoptee, and if bitterness seeps into the mind then everyone suffers. Its not an adventure, the grass isnt always greener, one day you'll wake up from the shock and find its really real, acceptance is a wonderful thing. Late discovery adoptees links can be really helpful just for your sanity,the laws are a joke, whatever u decide, i hope you find peace x