We are in the process of adopting an 8 year old little boy from the state(Texas). I have so many questions and hope that some of you with experience can help. This has truly been a loooong process. We were notified about a month ago that we were chosen for him and we finally received his package last Friday and reviewed it over the weekend. On Monday morning we advised our worker that we still wanted to proceed after reading his file. Our worker said the next step would be to set up a conference call with his worker and forster parent so that the "staffing" (questions can be answered) could take place. It is now late in the week and yet again we have not gotten a date and time set. It seems like the communication is poor (my worker constantly claims she has tried to get ahold of his worker and is waiting on a call back) and everything moves at a snails pace. We actually submitted interest in this little boy in September and it has taken this long to get where we are. I am really getting frustrated with the "system" and its non-motivated approach. I actually joked that we will probably get him by the time he is in High School. Has everyone else had this type of experience??? I have resorted to harassing my case worker by calling every day, if not twice a day in hopes that she will try to motivate the situation and all she says is "I am waiting on them to call".
Anyhow - here are some of my other questions - what sort of questions would be ideal to ask the foster mother about the child prior to actually meeting the child?? I know that we have been told she will be at the "staffing" to answer any questions we may have and I am just trying to think of them all. How was visitation performed for those of you that have adopted older children? We have been told that we will have to make a visit to him one weekend and he will then visit us the next and within two weeks after that he will be permanently placed with us. How have some of you that have adopted an older child bonded with yours?
I know this is long and I appreciate any input you may have!
Rea
Hi all!!
I'm brand new to this site,we are hoping to adopt through the foster system,but it really is a longer process than I expected!! Why does it seem to be so hard to adopt when there are so many children waiting for families?
Linny...Those were GREAT questions to ask!! Thanks,I printed them out and I'll save them in case I need them.
Rebav...Good luck on your wonderful,L O N G journey!
Momto...God Bless you for giving yourself to NINE others,fulltime and the countless other children you have fostered!! Everyone deserves a family!!
Well,I hope to be posting again...soon!
Yep, we were licensed on Jan 23rd, I never thought It would happen, now here we are, looking to adopt from the foster care system, we are looking at older children, ages 5 and up! Hopefully sister sib group of 2 or 3 , Im thinking this will take a year or better before we are matched, so Im doing home remodeling and having dental work done before we find our lil angels! LOL wish us luck!!!
Jeannette
We adopted a sibling set DD was 8 and DS was 5. It was hard and still is but worth every moment of grief we experience. My son has attachment issues that are pretty apparent and I am not sure if he is capable of healthy attachements (FAS, PTSD, Clynical depression) but we are working with him...only time will tell. I have never regretted the adoption. I love these children so. It took three months for the SW to get serious. I would get the name of the childs SW and agency and call the director of that agency. That's what I did and I had the ball rolling in a week or so....sounds like the worker is too busy and overloaded or maybe your worker is not "on top of it" Keep bugging her but find out who the adoption worker is and contact them yourself. JMHO
momofmykids
I cant agree more. I think sometimes we actually find the forums to get the support we need around some of our kids issues and therefore when someone is reading this stuff, get scared.
but when its all said and done....with all the hard work we have done....do we really regret that we adopted them?....
in our case NO!!!!!!!!!
my boys are so wonderful and special, and yes, they are not easy to parent, but they do make me a better person, more patient, more understanding and more accepting among other things.
my boys have really given me so much. I cant even imagine my life without them now.
Good morning everyone!!! Wishing you all a great weekend!!! I am also in the process of foster-adoption. I am inquiring about children 3-9. I printed Linnys questions. I had an idea of what to ask, with out sounding so silly I guess?!?!?! bUT i FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE NOW i WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU....I am so excited on this journey and cant belive that it is actaully here. I have submitted my homeastudy to many availavle children in my State (CA)..Now its just a waiting game...Please keep me posted....
Lillian
Hi Rea,
I know your posting is 6 years old, however I hope this helps someone else. My husband and I just came out of the worst nightmare imaginable when tried to adopt an 8 year old boy under the state care. If you have not done so, make sure you know the level that this kid is in as the system is known for placing kids that require to be in a residential treatment center with regular families like us.
We do not have any other children, adoptive or biological, and giving him back to the state care was the hardest thing ever. We have been heartbroken for months now and in therapy. Our marriage was stressed to the max. Our friends and family members are also heartbroken. And the financial burden of moving this child from one school/day care to another was incredible.
It is sad to say, but our learning is that yes, there are children that are too "broken" to be fixed, and unfortunately once they are over the age of 3-4 this is mostly the case. Shame on the agency (part of the United Way) that recommended us to give this kid a chance, "as it is all he needed, as he is a great boy". Nothing father from the truth! I assume they need to reach quotas like any other corporation and they do not care too much about the results of their choices.
If you have a chance to still change your mind, do it and go for a whole lot youger child. And if you went thorugh with it, I wish you had better luck than we did. Hopefully you can share your story with us and it is one with a better outcome than ours.
Good luck!
Since some of you have asked, and it has been soooo many years since I originally posted my question (once again - thank you to all that gave advice), I decided to give you all an update. We ended up adopting DS months later. He was 8 and is now 15!! I cannot tell you that it was not a long road for us - submitted interest in September, were called and told we were selected in February of the next year, finally got to meet him in April and one week later he permanently moved in with us! YES, with all the waiting all those months, once we finally met him one weekend it was a tad insane that within 5 days he moved in - t hat was crazy! I must say that the first three months were extremely trying. I remember in the foster / adoption training they told us to not be surprised if the child rebelled or was problematic, as they will test you - and boy oh boy did he! The first few months he would have "melt downs" and our only workable response was to sit him in a chair (facing outward from the corner) and have him sit in the chair till he could calm down. He would literally sit for sometimes up to an hour screaming at the top of his lungs "Fat Head", "Fat Head", over and over again. We would sit out on our back porch and ask ourselves - "Can we really do this?" I will say that it was VERY hard. We had him in counseling, therapy, medicated (as he is ADHD) and tried anything and everything and then one day, I snapped - I got down on his level and looked him square in the eyes and said "Listen here kiddo, no matter how bad you are or how long you scream, we are never sending you back to that foster home! We love you and you are our son and that is just the way its gonna be!!!" TO OUR COMPLETE SHOCK - he stopped. And has never had a meltdown like that since. It hadn't occured to me till that moment that deep down, he was actually afraid to let us in cause he was afraid we would send him back. I am happy to report that today we have one of the most amazing kids you've ever met. He is socially involved in school and church, does volunteer work, loves to hunt and fish, plays football as a Freshman in High School and I am very proud to say that he just completed his Eagle Project in Boy Scouts - impressive at his age. He is truly the best thing in our lives and we have not a single regret in adopting him. He truly blesses our lives every day. I know that we are very lucky and hope that this will encourage others to give an older Foster Child a chance - yes, they are not all perfect - neither was he - but our investment in loving him was without a doubt so worth it! I would also like to point out that sites such as this one really helped me out over the years. Lots of great advice and support! Thank you - REA
Thank you so much for sharing your story :)
I too am in the midst of adopting an 8 year old girl and her little brother. And boy howdy its been rough!
Weve had them for 5 months now, and to be honest, I too wonder if I can handle it and if well ever be a "normal family".
We too go to weekly therapy and are scheduled for 20 hrs a week inhome therapy soon.
Thank you again for the hope you give me!
WOW! Thank you for this update. I was following this post, but saw that it was so old and wondered if you would update us.
Thank you! so encouraging for all those older placements.
Awesome!!! I don't understand why one poster advised you not to do it, that makes me really sad.
4 years ago I adopted a sibling group of 6 out of foster care from across the country (I'm in NY, they were in Oregon) at the ages of 8, 6, 5, 3, 2, and 1 and it has been the most amazing experience. My kids are the greatest (no bias of course hehe) and I can't, nor would I want to, picture my life without them. I wish everybody's adoption story could turn out so great, but I can honestly say that it went so smoothly and the kids transitioned so well (much better than we ever expected) and I would never tell someone not to adopt out of foster care. It's very rewarding and life changing and it really makes life worth living!
I have not checked the site ever since my post, and I am so happy to read that there have been others that have succeeded with this kind of child. :cheer:
As someone mentioned, they are not all perfect and we were probably unfortunate enough to have been matched with a boy with extreme behavioral problems and anger management issues. I wonder if all these children were adopted from government sponsored agencies? Can going through a private adoption agency make a difference? We would still like to have the change to parent a child and be given the opportunity to walkt through life with him/her. Any advice will be appreciated.
I think it has nothing to do with which agency you've adopted an older child from. It has everything to do with how old/how severe and what were the circumstances surrounding the removal of-- the child.
It's certainly true that the younger the child is when placed, the greater his/her chances to heal from the wounds caused by so many different scenarios.
It's also certain no agency (gov't foster care or private) will move quick enough to place any child. Such is the state of the foster care system.
I wish you well and the best.
Sincerely,
Linny
I don't think you should give up. You just need to find the right match and wait until you do. Read the child's file, talk with FPs, etc, understand any diagnoses given. Was your child's anger issues hidden from the files?