Teenager issue - I seem to be the meanest mom ever.

Yup! Call around and find out what the other parents in your child's peer group know and think about the specific situation. Stay informed. Congratulations because "meanest mom ever" = "doing a great job". When my kids said that to me I replied - "Why, yes, you know what MOM stand for - Mean Old Mom!" Happy G'Ma

You can count me in too. Oh, and how I thought my parents were mean. um.. its funny how things in life seem to be so familar. ;) When my daughter came to visit, I would not allow her out of the house alone, except for going to church. She wanted to go to the mall with this boy she hardly knew, but I said no. His apartment was across the street.. see my point. Her father, adoptive, said that she was a virgin, as far as they know, and asked if she will be one when she comes back home. OOOOO>> the nerve! But of course! WHO DOES HE THINK I AM? dang! Parents.. lmao.. worst.. teenagers.. :grr: Now I see what my parents had to go through.

I'm in the same boat! My 15 year old son can't understand why we won't allow company over when we aren't home or why he can't go to a friends when the parents aren't there. He is also having a hard time with the fact that all his friends are now 16 and driving and he is not allowed to ride in the car with any of them! He will be 16 in July and THINKS ;) he is going to have free run of the world once he is in his own car! I hate it for him but we as parents have to make what we feel in the right decisions until they are of age.

My parents did not have this rule. And I was 16 and pregnant. So I think it is a great rule. Even if it's just for a "little bit" after school and the parents will be home soon, it's still not "safe". Though no one wants to hear about my sex life, there were times that my daughters father and I were "intimate" during that time frame. So, no way should a kid be left alone without parents!

My 3 siblings and I pretty much went to anyone's house we wanted to. I don't know if my parents even made us tell them where we were. They certainly didn't require adult supervision. We had to be home before it got too late (8 or 9ish) unless it was a school night then we had to be home earlier. Needless to say we got into a lot of trouble and did things that I hope my kids (to be) never do. That included stealing, drinking alcohol and using drugs. My sister had two girls and had the same lack of supervision. Lots of trouble there too. Not only will my kids think I'm the meanest mom, my family will too. I can already here it. I agree with the other posts - let teenages get mad. You're just protecting them.

No parents at home, no going to that home. If I haven't met and approved of the parents, no goingn to that home. It's just the way it is. However, I would always invite the young person to OUR home, which at least allowed them to spend time together. Also, no closed doors. That may all sound so strict, but it solves a lot. These were our rules until our oldest was a senior, I believe. She did think I was mean, but then I'd tell her, "No, I just don't think her parents love her as much as I love you." She learned that I was protective from about 2 years old (the first time she figured it out, that is), so these rules weren't new to her as a teen. There were other aspects where I was very permissive, as I opened conversations about ANYTHING. Other girls couldn't talk to their moms about pregnancy, the effects of drugs, sex and so much more. Those topics were open to discuss with me from an early age (age appropriate), plus we support LOTS of opinions, even the ones I disagree with! Somehow, it did seems to balance out on the whole. My oldest dd couldn't believe HOW MANY children couldn't talk to their parents about many many subjects. Just our way of parenting -- I do like the referendum on this thread! susan

I have this rule, too. And I get sick to my stomach every time Karma's friends ask her to a sleepover (personal issues there) and I never feel safe letting her go. But I do anyway as long as I've meet the parents and the mom will be actively involved with the kids all night. But then, Karma's only going on 8 not 16 yet :). And just today Karma was playing with the neighbor girl. Wanted to go inside her house. I see her parents all the time, but still havent actually spoken to them, so no going inside there either. I'm sure her friends think I'm nuts, but they come here on occasion and I'll let them play inside if they've asked their parents. Guess it sorta suprises me that so many parents let their kids go to neighbors homes, friends homes, ect, without meeting the people their children are going to be exposed to.

Sorry. But I already AM the meanest mom ever!No. Absolutely not. They can never ever go to any friend's house without parents home. I've even been known to call and make sure. I've even gone TO the friend's house, even when I really thought the parents were home, just to show my teens that I would. AND there are some homes they couldn't go to, even when the parents WERE home! See. I'm the meanest. My 19 year old is wonderful. And amazing. And against all odds (divorce when she was 6 months old, abandoned by the dad, the dad came back and demanded visitation at age 6, left her with someone who molested her, and abandoned her again.), she is mature, kind, responsible, and a virgin. I'm not just naive. Really. She is a virgin. And yes, she likes boys. She doesn't party, doesn't smoke, is going to college and will be a full-time missionary. She hasn't been a walk in the park. Especially as a single mother for a lot of years, it's been really, really hard raising her; she is so strong willed. But enforcing is critical. Like so many posters have said, remove the temptation, because most people's will-power is not strong enough. But all in all, I can't really take any credit. I just say, "Thank God!" That's just my opinion, what's helped me in my own life. :)Aundrea

Jumping in with a question. I dread the thought of teenage issues! It is part of the reason that we are restricting placements to younger children...because I am soooooo not ready to deal with that. But...here's the question: How can you know and be sure when it is ok for the kids to go? I totally get that it is a HUGE no when there are no parents there...but what about when the parents are there? How do you decide who is ok and who is not. See, I have issues with this because of I can tell you a story about a 14 years old that was raped in a home where there were...not just one...but 3 adults present at the time. They adults weren't doing anything that could be contrued as supervision...and, obviously, they didn't have that "no closed door" rule. I also know that adults that my parents approved of that allowed way too many things to go on that my parents would have never let slide. Sooooo...how can we, as parents, be sure it's safe? I know I'm a paranoid, overprotective mother...but that's my job isn't it?

My mom was the same with the rules. I had to call if we moved to any other location as well, and we still managed to sneak around a bit, so I think enforcing the rule as much as possible is the right thing to do. At one point in my teenage years, I realized that my relationship with my "mean mom" was a good one, she gave me a lot of other freedom in my life- to pursue activities and classes that I enjoyed- freedom to attend the theatre with a friend- and I grew to really value those freedoms more than hanging out at friend's home unsupervised. I think you're absolutely right, maybe remind your teen about the freedom's they enjoy. :flower:

This is the million dollar question, I think. I'm a youth pastor, and I work with teens, specifically. And I've raised one, and taken in troubled teens from time to time. The hardest thing for me to get past, as a mom, was to realize that my kids will have friends, probably many friends, but I'm the only mom that they will ever have. And like you said, it's my job to protect and defend. As a youth pastor, I've counseled so many teens that will say themselves that they need their parents to protect and defend them, even when it is from themselves. I got a call one night at 11:30 from a mom who wanted me to go with her to the police station to pick up her 13 year old daughter. After we got her, we sat in my van, deciding what to do, would she go back home and not run away? Would she go stay with me? I started telling her about the strict rules at my house... curfew, no smoking, friends over only when we are home, guys could only be in public family areas, and only when someone was home... The girl started screaming at her mom, spilling out her hurt and anger, and yelled, "At least someone would CARE about me! At least someone would look OUT for me! MOM! You let THREE guys sleep in the SAME bed with [my 17 year old sister] last night!!" Mom said, "No... it was only two." Mom was so desperate to be a friend, to have a friend, that she compromised the MOTHER part. It made my blood boil. I immediately started judging her, thinking that everything wrong with this little girl was that MOTHER'S FAULT! And then I remembered that we all are broken in our own way, in some area, we all need love. And I felt compassion for her, for whatever happened to that mom in her life that got her and her daughter to that moment in time. I was so grateful to know and introduce her to a God who loves her and accepts her right where she was, even at her point of weakness, and loves her enough to not leave her there. Praise Jesus! (Hey, I'm a pastor :rolleyes: ) So, how do we know that we aren't letting our children go to that home? Be willing to do whatever it takes. That's my answer. Be willing to do whatever it takes to protect and defend that child. Be willing to be unpopular. Be willing to say no. Be willing to be there. Be willing to be selfless. Listen! Listen to them even when they're talking about foolishness that means nothing at all to you. Listen. Be there. Be selfless. And respect them, don't have any double standards. And don't give them opportunity to do wrong. At that age, temptation will be stronger than will power. Just face that fact. So, do whatever it takes. Have the friend only at your house for a few times, and see what their parents do. Do they call first? Do they drop off in the driveway, or do they come in? Ask the friend questions, work them into conversation... what do you like to do with your free time? (does it jive with responsible supervision?) What are your folks doing tonight with all this found freedom... lol... (kids are honest, I've had them tell me that they're having a party and are probably silly drunk by now.) Call the friend's folks and just chat. Drive your teen over to their house and GO IN, look around. That reminds me. No matter what age your kid is, unless they're an adult, no matter what age they are, you can go wherever they are. You can go anywhere that they are! If you are picking up your eleven year old, and you walk in the front door, and mom says they're just in the bedroom playing, you can say, is the bedroom this way? And start walking that way. Where ever your kid is, you have the right to be. If it's clean enough, safe enough, whatever enough for your kid, it is for you too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when our kids are small, we have absolutely no problem asking anything at all of any adult that will watch our kids. And our teens are still our kids. Mine are MINE, no one else's. And on my daughter's 18th birthday, I threw my arms up in the air, and I YELLED, "I DID IT! I DIDN'T KILL YOU AND NO ONE ELSE DID EITHER! I DID IT! WE MADE IT BABY!" And she's a really super awesome kid. And she doesn't really hate me. Not anymore. ;) At least not right now. :p

I let my dd go over to her friends house and i did not know her mom was never there, but come to find out my dd friend is doing drugs right under her moms nose in the house and she never checks her bed room, just lets her do anything she wants. anyways she got my dd to try smoking in our house and almost started our house on fire. any ways she not aloud out of my sight and i need to talk to her friends parients from now on. I came down on my dd hard so she knows i mean what i say. her grades started falling and she just did not care. And know she is back to being my littel sweet girl agin. I call it tought love.stick to what you say do not give in. you give a littel they will take alot.

I'm sure your children will understand that you only want what is best for them. :cool:

I could basically go to certain friends houses - parents or no - but I had to call in CONSTANTLY, that was the one rule. My mom knew all my friends, knew most of their parents, knew everyone I hung around with (even the ones I thought she didn't know), so basically I thought I was getting away with murder when in reality I was being watched the entire time.

I ditto every one here. My mom was the "meanest mom ever" because she didn't allow me to go to friends house when there parents weren't there. Well, I became a pretty good manipulator/lier and went anyways...I was not a good little one those days....I look back now and see that I will probably be labeled as the "meanest mom ever" too because I will be the same way or actually I will be 1000 times worse. My child may actually turn out to be a really good teenager but I will still be more strict because I was HORRIBLE. When I went to some of my friends house and their parents weren't there...well, it was very fun!! Extremely fun, but we were very bad, too - not always but at least half of the time (i.e., drinking, smoking, having young lads over, etc.). This especially happened when we were younger (grades 7 - 10th). My mom did try everything, but I was the type of child she was going to start "tough love" on. I am glad I found a good youth group to help me go down the right path. I would not be here today if I kept going down the other path...it all started to occur because I was a latchkey kid who was friends with other latchkey kids who did all sorts of stuff out of boredem. So, because we both work, my child may be a latchkey kid but even when the child is older we will be laying down some very strict after school rules.I must admit, though, I had some friends who were good when parents weren't around. I was bored at their house because of this but I knew the rules and they were very VERY clear. I started hanging around them more after I started going to youth group...I guess you can say I got "convicted."I guess it depends. Just pray that your child doesn't befriend someone like the way I was during those vital years. Each child and situation is so different. My opinion is not to open up those "lack of parental supervision" doors to early. If I didn't have a taste of freedom during my junior high and early h.s years, then perhaps I wouldn't have been as bad...Just my experience and opinion