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One of the areas most difficult to navigate in adoption reunions between adoptees and birth family is what do we call one another? or how do we address one another? Names and titles can carry with them many emotions, and each party may feel differently about what to be called. It is important to share openly on this subject ( as early as possible ) Try to walk in the other persons shoes as well to be sensitive to their needs and wishes without neglecting your own desires or feelings. Asking the other person what they would be comfortable with being called can be a good start. But the risk there is they may ask you to use a title you are not comfortable with. Be honest from the start or risk hurt feelings or tension in this area that can be charged with emotions/feelings/sensitivity. Some birth mothers may have a strong desire to be called "mother" but I have witnessed that that is difficult for some adoptees for they have called another woman mother all their lives (and some feel disloyal or wrong to use this title for various reasons) Each party may have to "give a little" or negotiate on this. One adoptee I know struggled with her birth father calling her by the name they gave her at birth. She really did not like this and it felt odd and strange and when she heard it, it felt like "nails on a chalkboard" It sent her reeling and was a turnoff. One must establish boundaries in this area for respect of one another and remember we need not be openly sensitive. For the other person may have their personal reasons for names, or not using names/titles and that is OKAY. So if someone does not want to be called something- if you want to establish a good foundation, find out what they like, ask them and recheck if that is okay. And if we forget and use titles that are uncomfortable, we can always say, I am sorry, I forgot, this is new to me! Also birth parents whose adoption was a secret may need time to share their secret about who this "new person or relative" is that they have been seeing. And adoptees may be addressed as a "friend" or extended relative. For some adoptees, they may feel slighted or devalued- but remember, it takes time for some to share this secret from their past- and birth parents may fear revisiting the shame or judgement from others. Many were not treated lovingly in the past regarding the pregnancy and adoption and do not desire this treatment to happen again. Understandable. So be sensitive to this adoptees, and not easily offended. Share how you have navigated the "name" issue in adoption reunions. What have you learned, what can you suggest to others for healthy and respectful and honoring communication between adoptees and birth parents? Thanks for participating in these discussions, we learn much from one another and can better navigate our own adoption and reunion journeys!! Blessings, Jody
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I am still navigating this choppy waters of what to call people in reunion...... I was not sure how to address my bmother, or is she my first mother, or origional mother, or natural motehr, or just my mother.....? It is confusing.....Do I call her by her name, her first name, or married name.....oh the anguis of heart that knowing she is my mom, and yet how can I have two mothers in my life, how can i call two women mother. How do I be loyal and honour both sets of parents.....and yet be at peace in side.....for me its been hard. I had to go thoguth the struggle myself to see waht felt right for me..tht is one thing....what is right for one person in reunion is not necessarily right for another person. So in the end, I started out calling her by her christain name....for she was a stranger really.....but as time drew near to meet her, I asked her waht I could call her and she said it was up to me...so I prayed about it all......and when i saw her for the first time I said..Hello mum...and she replied...hello daughter....... But we never really did navigate the name thing and it felt more comfortable to go back to addressing her with her christain name to herself, and my bsister wanted to know why i didnt call her mother.....it was just so hard to please everyone......and still is. so I dont know that I have it right yet....but sometimes I call her mother, sometimes by her name...but I call my fsoter mum who raised me...by the term.."mum".....I cannot address my bmother with that word. I am still learing about it all, and things change as I change and am healed.....I am open to learning more from others......and post this not because I have got it sorted, but that I am still on the road of navigation...... shefalie
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Hi Shef! Thanks for sharing about your experience navigating the difficult issue of names and titles to address our relatives in adoption reunion. I do not believe there are set answers and each case is unique as personalities are unique. Addressing this issue out in the open and communicating openly with the other party is much more advisable. If it does not bother one party what names/titles are, then the other party is free to do what is comfortable. But if there is a sensitivity by one party it is best to negotiate and try to find a comfortable place for all. But if that cannot be done, people need to be honest if a name or title is offensive or painful for them. And ask the other party to respect those boundaries and not use that title. But of course, all persons have free choice and may not honor that. And yes, Shef, as persons heal in their adoption reunion journey these issues for some become less important. I pray God may continue to guide you in this area and give you peace as you communication with your birth family and strive to honor them and yourself. Blessings, Jody
The first time I met my biological father, we first met at the convenience store near his house before he took us down the street to his house. In the store, he introduced me to the cashier by saying, "This is my daughter!" as we walked out. He didn't know it, but I had already been down his street checking out where he lived a few weeks before that. He had a nickname that everyone called him, so that is basically what I called him. He always called me by my first name or introduced me as his daughter. My birthmom has initials she goes by, so I mostly call her by those. The only time I feel a bit awkward is when I speak to my half sister. I always struggle with do I ask her how our mother is doing or how (her initials/nickname) is doing. Really, she is so easy going, I'm sure she is okay with me calling her mother, but at the same time I want to show respect as she has been with our mom all of her life and shared her entire life with our mom.
I just found my son this year. And when we email each other, I refer him to his adopted name. However, when I talk about him to friends or family, I refer him to his birth name.As for me, I let him know that he didn't have to refer to me as mom but by my given name. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. For I know that his mom is his a-mom and maybe in due time, if and when he feels comfortable, maybe he will start calling me mom. It doesn't bother me a bit.My youngest daughter and I reunited last summer. And sometimes she will refer to me as mom, sometimes by my given name.
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Thanks so much Jo for sharing how you have handled "names" in adoption reunion. You sound like a beautiful person and very sensitive to the needs and comfort level of your birth children. I rejoice that you are reunited and in relationships with them! May God continue to bless you and build your relationships to bring glory and honor to Him. Blessings, Jody ;) See my new Adoption Blog Adoptees Cafe: Devotions for Adopted Persons [url]www.adopteescafe.blogspot.com[/url]
Hi, I found my b-mom and 4 half sisters in February. We haven't actually met yet, but mom and I have spoken on the phone and the sisters and I have emailed. I was wondering what I'd call her myself and hadn't decided yet when **poof** ... found her! She kind of solved it for us. After a couple of emails, she simply signed one "Mom". If it hadn't felt right, I wouldn't have called her that. What it actually felt like was a big emphatic hug, like she was pulling me in towards her. But before we even got to that point, I want to say how surprised I was at my entire reaction. I've never trusted, I hold back, it takes people a long time to get to know me - some good friends and a-relatives never have. I expected to be extremely on-guard. So I was shocked when it all fell into place and felt more right than anything I've ever felt in my life. They're all so thrilled I found them, and 2 of the half sisters even looked for me on and off over the years. I was spoken of openly and apparently lovingly in the family. I'm sure that helped me feel ok, but even so it was exceptional for me. "Mom" felt perfect. Even though my a-mom passed away 5 years ago, I did feel a tiny smidge of disloyalty. Who knows, I may always have that feeling. LOL It was really endearing. Before the first phone call, we'd written back and forth several times, and she's on dial up so we were trying to get it coordinated. Her husband had written a couple of one-liner emails about being excited, about her hardly believing it, etc. So I was writing an email at one point, and was supposed to call her in 10 mins. I got another email from him saying "Nancy, call your mom now! She's beside herself with excitement and can't take it much longer." Normally I'd be offended by the possessiveness that demonstated, but it just felt so right, I loved it. It felt very family-ish. I never truly believed I'd find them, or if I did, I didn't think it would be fulfilling. This is beyond my wildest dreams so far. Warmly, heartbeat
Heartbeat, thanks so much for sharing your most heart warming story of your reunion. And what a blessing about how the issues of names was just resolved when your birth mom signed her notes and it felt right. If one does wrestle with this and cannot accept the name for both adoptive mom and birth mom, then communication needs to be opened up to come up with titles that work for all. I am so glad your reunion journey has been such a blessing and that you are embracing your birth mom and siblings! Thanks again for taking the time to post on this forum! Blessings, Jody ;) See my new Adoption Blog called: Adoptees Cafe: Devotions for Adopted Persons [url]http://www.adopteescafe.blogspot.com[/url]
When I met my bmum I called her mum straight away and the bond I felt with her was incredible-far stronger than I have ever felt with either of my adoptive parents. Thats not to say that I don't love my adoptive parents, but there just never seemed to be a close bond between us.I instantly clicked with my bmum. She has always referred to me by my adoptive name, though when I learnt of my birthname I did struggle with whether I should be called by that name.I think for a while I thought that I could give her back the baby she lost by using my original name. Sadly over time I realised that that just isn't possible. I refer to my bmum and dad as mum and dad and to my adoptive parents as mum and dad and I'm quite happy having the 2 sets of parents.However I think my aparents have felt more threatened by this than my bparents have.
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Thanks Jude for sharing your story and how you have navigated names in adoption reunion. Each reunion is unique taking into account the personalities of each person, their current circumstances and their sensitivity to names and roles and positions. Some persons put varying levels of importance on names/titles. And we all have to be sensitive to the other persons in the adoption triad and communicate clearly where we are at, how we feel- and check how others respond. We can not make everyone happy in this area of names, but honoring to all to take persons feelings and desires into account. Thanks again Jude for sharing your story here regarding names in adoption reunion. Blessings, Jody ;)
Any others care to share about their insights on their birth name. adopted name. Searching for one's name. Finding out ones first name or if they were not named such as Baby Smith, etc. I know adoptees have strong feelings about their names and navigating names can be a challenge but also a step of emotional growth in one's adoption journey. Please share, birth parents and adoptive parents welcome too on this subject! Jody Moreen, reunited adoptee
[FONT="Georgia"]My son called me Mom from the second day of reunion. I call him my son - not my "birthson" or any other similar name. I also call him by his adopted name, BUT he is talking about having his last name changed to my family name. He strongly identifies with my family and wants the name that would have been his if he had not been adopted. I am staying out of this issue, and letting him come to his own decision on the manner. However, I am DEEPLY honored that he is thinking about doing this. [/FONT]
My birthson and I have been in reunion for almost a year now. He has always called my by my first name as do his wife and older son. I refer to him as my son when I speak about him to others (except in these forums) and myself as his birth mom (This works for me because I gave birth to him but did not raise him; I know some birth/original/genetic mothers object to being called the birth mother saying it makes them feel like a "breeder". I suppose ultimately, there's not one right term - it's more what works for you.) I suspect his a mom would have some difficulty dealing with D calling me Mom. Our relationship is developing slowly. I think she is coming to understand that I consider her D's mom and I don't want to replace her. D and I are definitely related... it's fun to see what he has inherited from me... but he is an adult (almost 34) who doesn't need another "mother". Our relationship is comfortable, if a little tentative at times. When I asked him a couple months ago how he would describe it, he paused and said, "uh, healthy?" I see this reunion as expanding our family circle. For me, that includes his adoptive family. I still hope at some point to meet his two sisters who live away from here. My children have welcomed D as a sibling. It's been fun to watch their relationships develop. Their children refer to D as Uncle D and his children have expanded their number of cousins. (My daughter's son and D's daughter really hit it off. See Pic) I find it interesting that part of me would really like his kids to call me some version of grandma! (No one ever said we had to be consistent.) D and J's son Z was born yesterday (see pic); unfortunately he was having problems breathing and is in the NICU. I'm going with them to see him tomorrow. Blessings on all,Kathy
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What challenges have you faced as adoptees/birth parents in reunion when addressing one another- what titles have you given one another or feared using? Are you comfortable using the mother/daughter/ father/son terminology or has that been uncomfortable for you or your relative? Share your experiences, challenges, successes- thanks! Jody Moreen, reunited adoptee