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From The Artist Way.. Julia Cameron.. page 61 I am quoting from this wonderful book for purposes of discussion..
Anger is Fuel.. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone, break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those bastards. But we are nice people, and what we want to do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it, muffle it, ignore it. We do everything but listen to it..
Anger is meant to be listened to . Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a demand. Anger is meant to be respected. Why? Because anger is a map. Anger shows us what our boundaries are. Anger shows us where we want to go. It lets us see where weŒve been and lets us know when we havent liked it.
Me..
I think of my anger with the people who did not help me when I needed that help the most.. I can remember being afraid that if I ever let it out I would hurt my mom' and dad.. Physically hurt them..
I believe that some of us are afraid of our anger because we feel we have to confront the people who made us angry.. Who are the source of our pain'.. or angst.. or frustration.. Who are the ones who let us down..
I can remember at a twelve step meeting.. a woman sharing about how when we break a leg.. or something like that.. we do not go and kick the something that broke our leg.. a car, wall etc..
What we do is mend the leg.. Send healing' thoughts to it..etc
So I do not believe we need to confront the ones who we are the most angry with.. That is not the real issue.. that is just going to give us a chance to say.. ғI told you.. and I am.. and all those good words.. What we need to do is find the anger and work it out.. in our own brain'.. in our own feeling self..
As CameronԒs says.. anger shows us what we have not liked..
Further down that page.
Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out. Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us..
And if we go and kick the car or kick the person who is making us angry.. then we are diverted.. we are living a life on terms of other people.. What they want..
Cameron is big on journaling.. She has a person wake up in the morning and start writing.. Stream of thought writing.. Writing down the stuff that we actually do not know is there.. I did it for a few years.. and I think it really helped me. I can remember writing about my anger with my mom'.. I was communicating with myself.. I was letting myself know my feelings..
My thoughts were traveling from my brain' to my hand then to the paper.. Tactile.. Making a map..
(no one sees these pages.. very important)
Jackie
mamabee
Oh Jackie...if you only knew how many times I have rehearsed this all in my mind. I think the basic pain came from me, being the private person that I am, giving my heart to a total stranger just because she was/is my blood daughter. Through telephone conversations before we actually met, we both really connected or so I thought. The 2nd day after meeting me, she had no contact with me whatsoever. My family drove almost 700 miles to see her; to spend a week getting to know her and we got nothing. From that point on, I was constantly walking on eggshells...wondering if my every move was the right move...would she like me...am I giving her enough space...am I giving her enough attention...sometimes she responded and then other times she withdrew. I had no knowledge of pull backs; I thought we were in this together and this is what we both wanted. After a week of feeling totally un-nerved, they came to visit us. One more week of walking on eggshells. Am I making her trip enjoyable? Is everyone being nice to her? Am I buying her enough gifts? Did she ever give anything back? Not to my knowledge...not to my families knowledge. I feel violated that she couldn't appreciate the fact that I was struggling with emotions as well as her. But did I stop showering my affection...my love for her...no, I did not. I kept trying and trying but nothing I did was good enough. After I spent a lot of money on her and her unborn child, telling her I was buying because I wouldn't be around, then the day before they leave to go back home, she tells me they are moving here. I felt so so so used. However, I kept the smile on my face and kept trying. My husband gave her husband a very high paying job (he had no prior experience); we did the fancy firsts with the birthdays, christmas', baby showers, wedding...etc. Thus, she still said I was not trying...nothing I did was good enough. After almost having a nervous breakdown, I had to stop. She wouldn't go to therapy with me...she would never see anything but what she thought..which was me doing more for her. But she never did anything for me..this hurt. A relationship should be two sided...not one-sided...why couldn't she show me just a little that she cared...I would have kept trying. I couldn't take it anymore...my kids, my family, my friends, they all kept telling me to let her go...she is using you. To top it off, her husband brags to others we know that he was told to come here by his old boss and take us for everything we are worth. Why? What did we do that was so horrible? This is/was not the child I mourned for for 22 years. Now I battle my mind everyday...wondering what I did wrong. How and what could I have done differently? I have poured my heart out many times here, and the response is mostly, she is young (23), let her mature...time will heal things. But will it? Yes, I go back and forth to crying some weeks to being angry other weeks. I struggle with just knowing how to move forward again...how do I become me again?
mamabee
Those of you who have experienced the time out/pull backs do you just go on with your lives as if nothing ever had happened?
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Oh Pip...I am glad you are still here....I thought everyone had left for another website....I was feeling confused and didn't know what to do. I am beginning to do this also....go on as if nothing had ever happened. I have a close family with my other children and their spouses and my sister and her family and my niece and her family. We have always been so close and since all "this" has been going on with the reunion of my daughter and the difficulties that have occured...eveyone has been sort of waiting on me for direction...they have been supportive but all just kind of in limbo. I have cried until I feel another tear could not possibly sqeeze out and I have asked everyone to pray...I finally just feel like going on with my life. I am sad still...I would have loved to have my daughter and her family as a part of my life...but I guess right now it is just not possible.
It isn't easy for family members as they don't really know what to say for the best. I don't talk to my sister, haven't done so for over 7 years, due to her lies about me getting out of hand. My mum never mentions my son to me but I did find out a while back from my son (pre falling out) that in 2001 he asked her if it was still okay for him to ring her and she said no. My dad only mentions him if I mention him first but then he doesn't say much. My in-laws regularly ask how my son is as they just accept that he is my son.
I still have my moments when I get down so allow myself that time as I don't want to deny my feelings. At times like this it does help to share with you as you do understand what I am going through. I'm not going to disappear on you as we can empathise with each other.
Pip :wings:
mamabee
Those of you who have experienced the time out/pull backs do you just go on with your lives as if nothing ever had happened?
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Merill, I am feeling okay with everything. I needed acceptance in my heart for what I was being dealt and I think I am finally feeling it. I am still not at a place where I wish to see my daughter face to face or tolerate anymore of her insults, but being that she wants no contact with me....I am having time to heal and accept. Ann, that would be absolutely wonderful to be able to look back and understand. I am a firm believer and I believe everything happens for the good...we just have to look for it...sometimes in our grief, we can't see it...so I am looking forward to the day in time when I can have that aha moment.
mamabee
Merill, I am feeling okay with everything. I needed acceptance in my heart for what I was being dealt and I think I am finally feeling it. I am still not at a place where I wish to see my daughter face to face or tolerate anymore of her insults, but being that she wants no contact with me....I am having time to heal and accept. Ann, that would be absolutely wonderful to be able to look back and understand. I am a firm believer and I believe everything happens for the good...we just have to look for it...sometimes in our grief, we can't see it...so I am looking forward to the day in time when I can have that aha moment.
Before I found my bson.. I went to Boston.. I sat in the Boston commons.. (it was half a block from the room I had where I got pregnant) At the edge of the park there is an stone angel.. (I got photos) At the bottom of that angel were the words..
Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again. (Eccl 11:1-6 NIV)
The bson did not find me for a few more years.. but I got heart from that..
I think there is great wisdom in the Bible..
Jackie
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merrill1277
Coming into acceptance doesn't mean that what happened in the past or present was okay... it just is what it is and we can't change it. Coming into acceptance doesn't mean we will no longer grieve, get angry, or need to talk about it. Letting it go is freeing, very freeing! but times may come up again that it (or a part of it) needs to be let go of all over again. It seems to cycle around, or like another layer needs to peel off. Merrill
I was speaking of later into reunion when I wrote that (not earlier years or earlier reunion), and for a while I felt I had experienced a good degree of acceptance... it was real and it was freeing as I really was able to move on for a time... but I think things circled around so soon because there had been no real resolution within the relationship. Within myself there was, and that is why I was able to achieve some level of acceptance and I hope to again... but when the other person is in and out of your life and back in, the process may be a little more complex, until there is a better sense of resolution within it. Yes, I'm not sure this ever ends, but still hope it could somehow.
The trying to make everything go away and trying to "get on" with your life, but always returning to that well of sorrow......