Two moms???

I respectfully disagree with you. It doesn't matter how you slice it, but EVERY single adopted child has two families. The difference being is that one family is loving & RAISING that child. The other family has created that child. But they couldn't raise him/her. You simply can't erase the bioligical family off the map. It's still a fact even if you go running to a foreign country. Your child may always wonder, ponder, think, daydream etc about his/her biological roots. Who are they? Where did they come from? Where are they now? Are they alive? Do I have siblings? Why didn't they love me? etc. That's the beauty of open adoption. My daughter NEVER has to worry about these things. She will have first hand knowledge as to the what, where, why and how. (and then some). She also happens to have three older full blooded siblings. One day she will have a chance to meet and get to know them. I want you to know that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself. I personally have found open adoption to be a wonderful, enlightening experience. My daughter's birth family all live in California. We live in S. Florida. We know what's going on with them and vice versa. This openness has provided a tremendous amount of healing in my daughter's birth family. They never have to wonder where she is, what she's up to, is she happy etc etc. So although we are all entitled to our beliefs I am PRO OPEN ADOPTION! GOD BLESS ALL BIRTHMOMS! I LOVE YOU! THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE, HAVE DONE AND WILL ALWAYS BE... our child's FIRST MOM! It takes a courageous person to bear a child and then choose another family to raise him/her. THANK GOD FOR BIRTH MOMS AND ADOPTIVE MOM!!!!!!!!!!!

On a day to day existence, I am Mummy. Legally, I'm the one that the school, the doctor, the community recognizes as the mother. My son Caleb was not born to me, but to another. It's always been understood. Our son's birthmother closed the door when he was three and a half. He had been promised a scrap book and it never came. At the time, he had questions about transracial adoption, and she refused to talk to him. These things devastated him. It was the end to a very trying relationship that did have fear as she had grieved inappropriately the first year. It was near to impossible to receive any important information from her. I still send her updates, but we never hear back. It's been four years now. I ask Caleb if he wants to tell her anything when I write her, and he says no, that he's doing fine and doesn't think about it much. I worry about her still. She buries things under the rug and is an overachiever. She always refused counseling. Please say a prayer for her and for women like her, I know that she's not alone.

What is inappropriate grief?

Grief itself isn't inappropriate, it's necessary for healing. She refused counseling. Her grief made her lash out at me, insulting me, threatening us, overstepping boundaries. It was a challenging first year. She didn't want to communicate, didn't want to build upon anything for Caleb.

Perhaps you don't realize that's one of the "stages" of grief: anger, denial, etc. Here's a great write up on grief and how therapists are now dealing with it beyond the old "five specific stages of grief." They can vary greatly. [URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief"]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief[/URL] That, in no way, means you had to stand for being called names. Setting boundaries would have been a healthy response to her grieving. But calling it inappropriate is belittling her grief. That said, I refused counseling until the second year as well. It's called denial.

Well, I have an answer for this one: In my case the birthmother insisted on a bindable open adoption agreement - then failed to follow through - but used the agreement to turn around and file numerous motions against us. She has financially ruined us. She has betrayed us. She has emotionally devastated us. For FOUR years SHE has not followed through on the agreement - WE HAVE - and yet we are STILL in and out of court for blasphemous allegations. Coparenting? No - she doesn't even visit. She has never once even asked how he is doing. But she has sure used her insisted-upon agreement to create chaos and disruption in our lives every chance she got. MAYBE this is what aparents are afraid of. Maybe we are afraid the birth mother will not follow through - but we will - and yet get continually punished. Oh sure, we win in court - but at GREAT expense, whereas she has free legal aid. Yes, aparents need to educate themselves - to BOTH sides of what may happen. And an open adoption can be done without legal interference. The difference is that aparents then can live in peace and create a life that is best for their child in all areas. Sometimes open adoption is not best for the child.

Sometimes open adoption is not best for the child. Correct. Agreed.

Christie - I think most of us agree that LEGALLY binding agreements are NOT in the best interest of the child, but that there should be SOME type of agreement I am curious how your case can be drug out if consent was signed (and all her rights signed away). Is this foster-adopt? I guess I'm not seeing how you can be taken back to court AT ALL once that is signed. If she did take you back to court, why did you sign? I am not seeing how she could have insisted on ANYthing seems how all her rights were gone at this point.... I hope you don't take this as rude, I'm just confused. :)

It is difficult trying to attach to a child not born to you while empathizing with a grieving birthparent, especially if she is threatening the placement and insulting your ability to mother the child. If only it had been as simple as namecalling. Boundaries were crossed as I said. It would be disrespectful to say that her grief was inappropriate, but that's not what I said. The manner in which she took it out on others was inappropriate. I could not do it again. I would be very honest and direct about that. If we were to seek to adopt again and a prospective mother liked our profile except for that, I would have to get to know her very well before I'd even consider openness, and it would only be on a voluntary basis. Personally, I don't agree with prospective aparents signing a binding open adoption agreement before experiencing parenthood of that child.

Hi Runyan 2002, No, I don't think you are being rude at all. You don't understand and neither do I. I am frightened and confused by all of it and had NO IDEA this could possibly happen. Yes, we have a finalized adoption (birth certificate and all) with which is included a TPR. We ALSO have an "Agreement" for visitation and this "Agreement" gives her BACK some of her rights (visitation). We had offered unlimited visitation and contact which she had repeatedly stated she did not want. Then at court she said she would not go through with the adoption without a visitiation "Agreement" which confused the **** out of me since she already had that and did not want it. The first visit did not occur. I was there - she was not. I wasn't in the least bit surprised. Before another month passed she turned around and filed fraud charges against us *because the first visit did not occur*. In that motion she requested a rescission of the adoption and payment of her already-state-paid-for attorneys going back two years. When that trial was placed on hold until my husband could return from Iraq then 9 days later she filed a motion to have my child placed in foster care. I won that one but the request for rescission of the adoption (fraud charge) remains pending. My husband has now returned from Iraq. She had also previously signed a withdrawal of consent and stated such wild accusations that my lawyer at the time was laughing so hard he could hardly tell me not to worry about it. But it was that withdrawal of consent which set the precedence for further false allegations and charges against us. No, I do not understand. Yes, we still have to go back to court. Yes, we should certainly win - but since she has unlimited state lawyers we realize that we can not outbid the state of Alabama for my son. WHAT DOES SHE WANT?????????????????????? I am terribly confused. I don't want to go back to court. I did great on the stand but it is a harrowing experience to have five lawyers all jumping in at you asking accusatory questions. I hope this was able to answer some of your question. It is confusing and horrifying. Oh - and by the way - she is still not visiting according to the Agreement and still to this day has never asked me how he is doing.

Have you gone to the media with this!?! Or the govenor, senator, ANYone?? This is ridiculous. You obviously KNOW that your child cannot go back to her, it is finalized. I also assume you have records of EACH visit, EACH time she didn't come? The STATE should drop her...not even sure why she gets free lawyer assistance, that usually isn't available to anyone except people who are being charged something?? :grouphug: Natalie

I have tried to go to the media - no luck. Yes, I have specific records of her no-shows. She was (still is) a juvenile. She became a ward of the state when she was placed in juvy. She is still a minor but no longer a ward of the state. But that is how she received - and continues to receive free legal services. Apparently when a case is ongoing they get to continue this charade as long as it plays out. So there is no time limit. I have gone to, and passed out packets to:the governor and his wife, the attorney general, legislators - senators and representatives, state DHR, state Treasury Department, the bar association, the judicial inquiry commission, the center for state accountability, etc. Really, so many that I can't even remember them all. Everyone tells me they are sorry but it belongs to another department. No one really seemed surprised - as if this is the way it is always done. I expressed shock and outrage and they shrugged their shoulders as if this happens every day. I have hired and fired four lawyers - none of whom seemed surprised or like they even cared. And - to top it off - this has even more heinous acts; I just don't want to take all the time to list them all. Thank you for your concern. It helps to be able to come here and vent some and be heard. Christie

Wow, utterly ridiculous and I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't believe how cold hearted people can be. I will pray that this will come to a resolution quickly and swiftly!! Natalie

You know, somtimes this kind of thing is just impossible to get your head around. Why the heck is the state allowing this kind of serious harrassment to go on? I guess I'm glad I don't live in Alabama. Its ridiculous. I don't have anything close to advice. I wonder if there's someone in the public eye who is pro-adoption and can help you have a voice. Hmmm.......

Yes. Please. Please. Please.