Can anyone tell me what I'm doing wrong?

Because of attitudes like those you have encountered, many people over 40 (married and single) and many singles of all ages choose international adoption. I adopted from China when I was 51 and single. And I have many friends who were over 40 when they adopted internationally. The fees may not be as high as you think, depending on the country you choose. For example, Ethiopia and China are on the low end, while Guatemala and Russia are on the high end. And there is a $10,000 adoption tax credit. Sharon

Hi I empathize. I also adopted through the state - it is full of red tape and bureacracy and hidden agendas. But you can succeed. I bet you'll scream when you hear this (I know I would have when I was in your shoes!) but the wait and the difficulty actually made me a better parent in the end - much more committed to my daughter than I would have been otherwise. So - suggestions: join all the forums and yahoo groups for state adoption you can and ask those folks. Start a support group amongst MAPP participants and work together to figure out Florida stuff. It did take me longer to find a child because I didn't do foster - most kids do stay with foster families. Can you print up a marketing brochure on yourself and send it to every office in Florida so they know about you and what kind of child you are looking for? I would definitely look on the internet for children and I wouldn't worry about if they were close - the transition is just a short term thing. I would try to find an advocate within the system and ask them for help and suggestions - one great sw actually told me about a special program that I was about to enter when my baby found me. Good luck to you - and feel free to vent anytime...this was one of the most frustrating (and yet worthwhile in the end...) things I ever did. Cynthia

It took me four years to get my daughter. I have one bio daughter also and I had a hard time getting workers to take me seriously. I think it was just persistent that finally convinced someone that I knew what I was doing and could handle being a single mom of two. The good news is that the second adoption is going much quicker. I was approved in December and matched last month. Since I have had one successful adoption, I suddenly seem like a sure thing and I have received multiple responses from out of state caseworkers and even turned down two placements. I think singles do have to advocate more for themselves but eventually you will get your child.

Hi karenbd I'm from Florida too. It took me about about a year and a half to get my girls. I think I may have started out with the same agency you have. I had to fight too. Then a friend told me about foster to adopt and I made the switch from adoption. They were placed with me in about 5 months at 7 months and 2 years old. I was never asked if I were gay. The MAPP class I was in was people who wanted to adopt and my homestudy was complete before the class was over. Contact the foster parents association in your area and get to know who's fostering. They can be your first source of information when a child becomes available and the progress of the case. The "agency" was no help. I understand your frustration.

I'm going through similar things but I'm in WA state (not any better) and I'm 24! Working with the state is a VERY trying thing. It seems just when you get through one hoop you have five more. My SW is now having me have a psych. eval. pretty much because I'm single but I have a psych. degree and I'm not worried. I would contact the foster people, because sometimes they have a lot of in's and such. I do hope things get better for ya!

Hi. I am also single and in my 40s. When I started exploring adoption I talked to a recommended agency. They have been really great at explaining options. They were very honest and clear upfront about the challenges I would face in a domestic adoption. They told me it could be years and could be very frustrating and I may never end up with children that fit my criteria (oddly enough it seems that most states will allow single people to adopt severely special needs kids even though they could have the biggest challenge in caring for them). We discussed international adoption and they also were good at outlining the challenges, unknowns and frustrations of this option. The good thing is that even though the international system can be very trying, everyone seems to be in pretty much the same boat. The countries that don't want single adoption simply say so. In the end I chose international adoption and although the process has also had its share of "personal growth opportunities" I believe that end point is much more solid (I am now waiting on my LOI) and when the adoption if final, it is just final. Only you can know where your heart lies. But you may want to look at international options. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

I'm single and when I started the domestic adoption process I was 36 and I was told that since I was single it would probably take longer for me to be chosen. I used a private national agency. My entire process took 3 1/2 months from initial informational meeting to being in the delivery room and being my dd home. My profile was shown before my homestudy was even officially completed (everything had been done, but it had not yet been typed up). The last piece of my homestudy was the home visit and that was on a Friday. My dd was born on the following Friday and I brought her home forever on that Sunday. I tell you all of this just to say that it is possible for a single person to adopt domestically without a lot of grief. The agency I used has an office in Florida. If you want information on it, just pm me. If cost is a concern, this is what I did: I had enough saved to cover all costs prior to placement. The agency I used has a relationship with a bank that offers Family First Loans. The agency covered the application fee and some on the interest costs. Otherwise, it was a low interest two year loan. I paid the interest monthly until finalization (7 months) and then I got some money from my company ( since you work for a Fortune 100 company they probably have an adoption benefit). I put that toward the loan and continued to pay on the interest and then I used the tax credit that I got a few months later to pay off the rest of the loan. Between the tax credit and what my company gave, the entire cost of my adoption was paid. If you company does not have an adoption program, the Wendy's company (hamburgers) has a foundation that will provide you with lots of tools and resources to solicite your company to start an adoption benefit. Sorry this was so long. I understand your frustration and I hope this helped in some way.

Have you looked into 'respite' care? It is a good way to get to know people who are fostering, and they are a good resource for helping you get hooked up with kids that are leaving the foster care system, but are not going to be adopted by the foster parents.

Hello. I am just starting out on the process as a single woman over 40 in Ohio. Just last week I submitted a preapplication with a private agency, hoping to adopt a child from the public system. My reasoning for selecting private was (1) much faster home study process (2) the matching and advocacy activities. The only drawback is that if I choose to foster first (either to expand my choices of children and/or to allow a period of getting to know the child before I make the huge decision to adopt, since I have not had children before), I will not get first dibs on foster children in my county, since the county always goes to their own people first. I'm just learning about the system, but I can't imagine that people commonly foster kids outside of the kids' home county, so this may mean I can't really foster. Anyway, besides the fact that I might want to foster, the other difference between us is that I *am* gay (another reason I need special advocacy efforts on my behalf). Although I will be adopting alone, my girlfriend may be living in my home when the home study takes place (we haven't decided on that yet; she spends a lot of time here but does not officially live here). I was told by the private CW that I'd do better if we were adopting as a couple, but that's not a good reason to jump into it. We're not even married yet. I think I've read every post in the General and Foster Parents forums here. What a godsend. It's fascinating to read this thread in particular and consider the different experiences people have. HermiColumbus, OH

That's horrible Karen. I am in Florida and adopting from the Department of Children and Families. I just met my "homefinder" last week. She was wonderful she told me that I could look at her available children or children throughtout the state and the US. Florida has an interstate compact with other states so you should have no problem adopting outside of the state of Florida. Your "homefinder" is supposed to be your advocate in every way possible. I don't know what her problem is. Have you looked into working with another agency? You know you can have all of your info. homestudy and everything transfered and work with another agency. The process may take a while naturally but she should be a little more helpful. Good luck on your journey.

...the special needs board too! There are several single parents there, guys and gals.

In New York, you only foster in your county. I did MAPP classes; got certified in July and got my first call in October. I was fostering and I had room for 2. All during the classes, we were told if we wanted teenage boys, there would be no wait at all. For everything else, there is no way of determining time.

I'd get your homestudy to as many agencies as possible. Do you have a copy of it? There are many agencies that can do a better job of advocating for you. Feel free to PM me if you need help. Your age limit is quite open and your being single should not matter. I know singles who have adopted. Anytime you're adopting from the system, whether single or married, it's a long journey and you need to be prepared with a lot of fortitude (and strong resources for the days you feel like giving up). DON'T (give up). Sounds like you want to do this for the right reasons. There's a child out there that needs you. Josie