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Has anyone here had their potential birth mom invited to their baby shower? I am confused and pretty stressed over this one. We were matched in February to a beautiful and wonderful woman whom my husband and I love and adore. My family is currently planning a "surprise" baby shower for me and they've asked me for a list. I really enjoy spending time with her... she is living just a few minutes away from us and we see her at least twice a week. She often stays over at our place on the weekends and we really love her company. She has become more than a "potential birth mom", she is my friend. I don't know what the right thing to do here is... I think she would like to be invited, but I wonder if it would be really hard for her to be there. She will only know a few people there, and will it be hard for her to see everyone celebrating her baby being placed in another families arms when she's born? I don't know the answers... I have no idea. I also wonder if the guests would be uncomfortable with her being there. I know that my close friends and family will have no problem, but many of the other invitees are people we only see a couple of times a year. I want to do what's right.. but I'm not sure what that is. Any experiences and thoughts would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
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I would not invite pbmother. I think if she were to come it would make everyone very uneasy. People will want to ask you questions and be excited for you and if she is there it will make it seem strange for everyone to talk about the baby. Also, she shouldn't have to feel like she needs to buy a gift and I know our bmother would have felt like if she came she had to buy a gift.
Why don't you ask her, the expectant Mother, if she would like to go? One of my biggest pieces of regret was the way I was treated during my pregnancy; as though my feelings didn't matter and as though my pregnancy wasn't "normal." Ask her if she wants to go, explain you had reservations about inviting her because you can only assume it might be hard and let her know you'll support her in whatever her decision is. An expectant Mother should be treated normally even if she is making an adoption plan.
I agree with Jenna - it sounds like you would enjoy sharing the moment with her. It doesn't matter how comfortable any one else would be - this is your reality and they are going to have to get used to the pbmom as a part of your life. Go ahead and ask her if she would feel comfortable coming to the shower.
Thank you for all of your responses.... I thought long and hard about it and decided to invite her. I knew in my heart that she would like to be there... and I really believe that it's important to her. I have talked to her about it and told her that she should feel under no obligation to go if it is difficult for her and if she does go, she shouldn't bring a gift. She is already giving us the best gift in the world, and she has already given us a number of gifts for the baby (which we will keep for always as keepsakes). I don't have all the answers... I don't know what is best... All I know is what I feel in my heart and I am following that the best that I can. :) BTW - I brought her to Easter with my family and everyone interacted wonderfully... it made me feel even better about extending the invite. Thanks, again!Karen
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Karen,
I think you made the best choice! We had a baby shower 2 weeks after DS was born and his birthmom and her mom really wanted to come and share in the joy of the shower. It was one of the best choices we made. It wasn't easy at first but the best for everyone in the long run. I feel it was all a part of her healing process and she still talks about it today.
Just a follow up to this one... the baby shower wound up being 36 hours after our little one was born.We all went to the shower, as planned (can you believe that my daughter's first Mom was up an about cleaning her room 7 hours after she was born?!?!... she's amazing). The shower wasn't uncomfortable.. at least not for me. It WAS very emotional. I introduced her to the crowd and being so close to Olivia's birth, I was extremely emotional in my introduction expressing my gratitude and love for her first Mom. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. It was emotional for me... emotional for her... but I don't think in a bad way. I think it was a good thing for both of us. I felt a little awkward about 1 thing... many of the shower guests felt the need to thank her for giving us this gift. I know their hearts were in the right place, but I didn't feel it was their place to do so.... in any event, first Mom didn't mind and handled herself wonderfully. So... it was a great decision. And thank you all for all of your help! :) Karen
Hi,I think it is great that you had a good shower. As an adopted person I just want to say that it feels strange being called "a gift." I am a person who lost my relationships with my first family as a "normal" family. I gained a great adoptive family, but I lost so much also. My aMom has thought of me as a "gift", also, and it makes me uncomfortable, because it doesn't acknowledge that I lost so much in the transaction. I love my afamily very much, but have had to stuff a lot of thoughts and feelings because I was trying to live up to this great gift status I have been all my life. It causes some moodiness. I'd recommend "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge. Adopted kid's identity is tied up a lot with their birth families. If there is strife or judgementalism or contention around that, the adopted child will internalize it as being part of who they are. It behooves any parent to honor their child's heritage in real ways, not just lipservice. And not to make their child into a gift which speaks more of a possession instead of a person.
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