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I came across this post somewhere and it really made me think especially the first part about the phrase "not ready to parent"...
"I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "not ready to parent". I wonder if that's what's really going on with those who use that expression to attempt to explain surrendering their child to the adoption process and all those involved in it.
I'm tempted to think that it's a catch-all phrase meant to deny the reality of losing a child to adoption and to put a stop to further delving into the "decision". This is the new(er) mantra from the adoption industry that has replaced such statements as "a child needs two parents", "a child needs financial security", "being raised by an unwed mother is not good for a child"...you know the lines used on us that we swallowed because we didn't have much in the way of choices, if any.
Young women in recent years, while on the surface have more options, are in the same position with respect to having few supports in raising their children. Yes, there may be income assistance programs but you basically have to have a PhD to know all of the hoops to jump through in order to obtain adequate food, shelter and clothing for oneself and one's child. Yes, there may be parenting courses available but, at the same time, in many parts of our country there is pressure to get a job and be self-supporting -- without benefit of adequate transportation, housing, nuitrition, daycare, education, etc. Yes, there may be family nearby but often grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and other family members are busy in their working lives and aren't able to provide much of a helping hand when life with a little one becomes overwhelming and lonely. Yes, there may be less stigma with respect to being a single mom in terms of morality but there is a huge stigma with being seen as a welfare mom and the child of one.
Instead of helping young mothers deal with, in effective and truly helpful ways, the very real needs that becoming a mother presents, including mother/baby togetherness, those who stand to profit by baby brokering use the very real fears of young pregnant women to prey upon them. Is it any wonder that these young women describe it as not being ready to parent? Not to me, it isn't, no matter what the decade in which it took place."
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FH-taramayrn
I came across this post somewhere and it really made me think especially the first part about the phrase "not ready to parent"... "I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "not ready to parent". I wonder if that's what's really going on with those who use that expression to attempt to explain surrendering their child to the adoption process and all those involved in it. I'm tempted to think that it's a catch-all phrase meant to deny the reality of losing a child to adoption and to put a stop to further delving into the "decision". This is the new(er) mantra from the adoption industry that has replaced such statements as "a child needs two parents", "a child needs financial security", "being raised by an unwed mother is not good for a child"...you know the lines used on us that we swallowed because we didn't have much in the way of choices, if any. Young women in recent years, while on the surface have more options, are in the same position with respect to having few supports in raising their children. Yes, there may be income assistance programs but you basically have to have a PhD to know all of the hoops to jump through in order to obtain adequate food, shelter and clothing for oneself and one's child. Yes, there may be parenting courses available but, at the same time, in many parts of our country there is pressure to get a job and be self-supporting -- without benefit of adequate transportation, housing, nuitrition, daycare, education, etc. Yes, there may be family nearby but often grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and other family members are busy in their working lives and aren't able to provide much of a helping hand when life with a little one becomes overwhelming and lonely. Yes, there may be less stigma with respect to being a single mom in terms of morality but there is a huge stigma with being seen as a welfare mom and the child of one. Instead of helping young mothers deal with, in effective and truly helpful ways, the very real needs that becoming a mother presents, including mother/baby togetherness, those who stand to profit by baby brokering use the very real fears of young pregnant women to prey upon them. Is it any wonder that these young women describe it as not being ready to parent? Not to me, it isn't, no matter what the decade in which it took place."
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I feel the term "not ready to parent" is more of an EMOTIONAL phrase. You HAVE to be emotionally ready to care for a child and provide it with the love and care it needs.
Just because an adoptive parent asks what kind of formula or diaper to use does not in any way mean that they were not ready to parent. Every one of us who is a new parent has these questions.
Babies don't come with instructions..that is a fact. The mother..be it adoptive or bioligical..has to want to figure it all out and most importantly provide the love that a child needs.
No matter HOW much assistance is available to young mothers...the desire to love and nurture a child does not come in a package handed out at WIC.
I think 'not ready to parent' is a good expression. 'Ready' can apply to many different aspects of what it takes to be ready to have a child (emotional, financial, physical, etc.).
When I was a new foster parent one child was all I was 'ready' to deal with. I didn't think I'd ever be ready for a second. But eventually life got back to feeling normal and the child is growing up and more independent and even not quite so needy, so I feel ready for a second (hasn't happened yet so I don't know if I'll still feel that way after #2 arrives).
My first foster child was parented by a mom who wasn't ready (drug addiction) and an older sister (who the younger children called 'mommy' and who was for all real purposes their mom) who felt ready and did a wonderful job considering she was only 7 yrs old than my fd. But, even though it was heartbreaking for her to have her younger siblings taken away from her, even though her heart was willing to be their mom and she completely devoted herself to them, she just wasn't 'ready'. Because she was too busy taking care of the little ones to go to school, because the little ones didn't ever get sent to school, because to a child-mom hotdogs are adequate nutrition, dentist checkups aren't on their list of things to do, etc. So no matter how much love she had, those kids needed to go learn to read, have nutritious food, medical care, and get ready to grow up to live normal lives.
I think 'not ready to parent' really can fit lots of situations.
I agree to some extent with everyone's post, and if agencies really to tell birthmoms "look how much better they can raise your child", then that is totally wrong, and has to be changed... However, I think it's important to note, that if someone actually feels "not ready to parent", then they probably are not. You see, I don't think there's much in life that we can absolutely say we are totally ready for... I think that besides everything financially that it takes to raise a child, you need to consider how extremely difficult it is to instill real values into a child... It's basically teaching someone how to love themselves, and that can be the most difficult thing in the world. I'm 24, and actually have started writing stuff out... Everytime I think of an important life lesson, I write it down, and tell myself I have to remember to teach my future children, this very important lesson. I can't imagine how you could nurture a child spiritually unless you are drop dead, 100% certain that you have all the resources and support possible and available. Not to mention being willing to parent in the first place.
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This subject is brought up in one of the blogs today. I'm posting the link along with Jan Baker's comment below it.Deserving parents, revisited[url="http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/deserving-parents-revisited"]http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/deserving-parents-revisited[/url]"I think if anyone looked in the profiles of waiting parents, they might feel that they all sounded perfect - on paper at least. However, adoptive parents are not any more perfect than anyone else. They are subject to all the normal life issues that every other parent is - divorce, death, addictions, etc. Being motivated to parent is a huge positive factor. Having the self-esteem and confidence to parent is another important factor. All some women need to successfully parent is some support and encouragement." (Jan Baker)The last couple of sentences stands out to me. "Having the self-esteem and confidence to parent is another important factor. All some women need to successfully parent is some support and encouragment." These are the many young expectant moms who love their babies and are willing to parent but just need a little support and encouragement, as opposed to the type of "not ready to parent" treatment from others, that can discourage an unsupported expectant mother who otherwise would make a GREAT MOTHER. Granted some may not be ready, for various reasons, but MANY WERE that ended up succumbing to the "not ready to parent" mantras and will never have the joys as well as the challenges of parenting her child. Merrill
FH-numbr1dbcksfan
I think we are talking about when a woman is considering her options, this insecurity is what the agencies latch on to.....