We've come to the end.... =0(

:grouphug: Just wanted to send you some support. I know this must be a hard decision but you have to do what is best and works for you and your family.

Sending you some support :grouphug: I'm sure this is a difficult time, but as long as you know you're doing the right thing, that's all you can do! Best wishes.

We are in the same boat and we too are backing away from so much contact. We will only do what we originally promised.( Letters and pics a few times a year) The birthmother is a very unhealthy presence in our lives and we had to distance ourselves. I feel bad too, so I kinda know what youre going through. Hang in there.

You know...even though it's the right decision it is still hard. The day before Easter was supposed to be the last contact I have with them until my daughters b-day next Feb. I know this is best for all of us....we've tried so hard to make it work and it just keeps being this vicious cycle or hurt and pain for all of us. It is just so hard for me because there are reminders everywhere of what could have been and the relationship we could have had. Everyday her bgrandma drives right by our home(to my knowledge she doesn't know where we live) to and from work and whenever they come to town. Everyday I drive past her bgreat grandmothers grave bringing my son to and from school. Three times a week I drive right by her bgrandmothers work..it has been so tempting to just stop by for a minute to say hi and give her a hug. They shop at some of the same grocery stores(but haven't run into them recently...not since Dec. or Feb?) Bmom lives out of state but already had a plane ticket to come to my daughters performance in May. I'm not sure wether she will still come down then to visit her family....or wether they will attempt to come to the performance without us knowing. I'll probably be looking everywhere and certinaly thinking about them often(because I had wanted her to be there.....they are dancing to the song...."let them be little" and it always reminds me of her bmom and I wished she could be there to cry with me as we watched her on stage. =0( I wish our relationship could have worked out. I wish....welll....I wish I could call them and say lets give it another try....but then in a month or two we'll be right back here in this same position continuing that terrible cycle over and over again. =0( Maybe after Feb we will have had enough time apart to work out our own issues so we could give it another try and start off really slowely and go from there. I guess it really depends on what happens in the next ..... year....with written contact.

Wow!!! This is so hard...."staying away" I don't think i can do it. I've sense broken down and e-mailed them(b-mom and bgrandma) for which I am feeling a little ashamed of myself for not sticking to my decision. I made it clear I wasn't planning on opening up and having visits/calls again...just offereing to be there and listen and be their friend. they wrote me back very friendly and lovingly. To which I did respond back to each of them. But now I am feeling so LOST. I still long for the relationship I wish we can have, but know we are not capable of. I'm just worried I did the wrong thing by getting involved again.....yet at the same time...I miss their friendship ....I miss sharing stuff with them. I miss not seeing them and giving them a hug and a smile. I feel like I am turning away such a dear friend(mainly the bgrandma). She was very loving and supportive. =0( I'm just having one of those days. =0(

I fully realize your daughter was adopted from the foster care system, however I'm sure her first mother loves her no less. I also wouldn't hesitate to say that this situation is much more painful for the birthfamily and I'm begging you not to "toy" with their emotions. Not bashing you at all.....just a simple request.

What do you mean "toy" with their emotions? You think I wrote them to ....tease them with something they can't have? That wasn't the case. I made it clear what my intentions were as far as not opening up (direct)contact again. What I did was offer to be their friend. Seperate from my daughter. To listen to their feelings and to share mine. To try and work through some of these difficult emotions. they didn't have to respond. They could have just ignored it and said..."nope..we don't want to be your friend.....just send us what you've said you would and let's leave it at that" but they didn't. They responded in love and friendship. Greatful that I do care so much for them, that I am trying to do what I feel is right for my family yet at the same time recognize their feelings and my desire to reach out to them personally.

WOw!! I was finally able to have a real conversation with my daughters bmom through IM. We got a lot of things out in the open about how we are feeling and validated each others feelings. I'm feeling so much better....just knowing she understands where I'm coming from and cares. She knows we aren't ready for direct contact...she agrees that I made the best choice because she said she does have a lot of things to work through...I told her I do as well. So it's nice to be able to work those things out....and helping each other!!! I hope it won't be to long before we will all be more ready to have another visit. But I'm not going to rush things this time...we have to take it very, very slow!!!

Mom2grlc I'm very glad that you and your daughter's birthmom have communicated in depth. As you know, it's always best to be open and honest w/ those in our lives, hence no room for assumptions and misunderstandings. I think it's terrific that you are trying to keep the communication open as I do believe the adoptee usually benefits. (depending on the circumstances of course) I have always and still do believe that the adoptee is the most important member in the triad. I sincerely hope this situation continues to improve and that your daughter will be able to have her birthmother in her life always. I also meant what I said in my previous post. Perhaps I could have worded it differently such as follows: I don't think in communication, you can expect the birthmom to stick w/ any set boundaries if you yourself cannot.

I don't know anything about your situation except for what I have read on this thread. I am the mother of a daughter from Guatemala but about 7 years ago we were chosen by a birthmotoher domestically. She didn't really want any contact other than letter and pics a couple of times a year, and we had no problem respecting her wishes. As it turned out the adoption did not work out but I always wished the best for her and for her baby boy (who was adopted by another family). Just wanted to wish you and your family (as well as the birthfamily) all the best, I would imagine it would be quite difficult to walk in the shoes of any of you. Hugs, Lynn (popping in from another web forum)

We've actually been talking a lot lately several hours each day for the last several days. It has been wonderful to get to know her. To see that I'm not this terrible person in her mind and that she does accept me as her bdaughters mother. She has said she truly believes this is Gods will and our conversations have been so wonderful. I am a little worrid this is to good to be true or maybe she is just saying things that she knows I want to hear. Maybe I'm just being gulible. But I want to believe that she is ok and that she is finding acceptance and peace. I'm just so happy we've been able to talk and hopefully this will lead to a great friendship throughout the years. I do conitnue to tell her that we don't feel comfortable opening up contact right now, that we all need more time to work with these feeling we have so when we do come together again for more direct contact we will all be better able to provide a more positive relationship for our daughter. She understands that, and i think she is really grateful to know that she can talk to me about stuff. We really enjoy talking...and before we know it hours have passed by.....it's just crazy. It's very theraputic I think for both of us....to be able to say how we feel and be able to understand each other. I am really happy we are giving it another try. I feel like it's giving me a lot of closure to finally be able to understand how she feels and why she feels that way, and why certian choices were made. I'm excited to see what the future has in store for all of us....it looks much brighter!!

at the same time i am a little nervous. more scared of hurting her more than anything. scared of getting to close to her. Knowing to much. I want to be her friend, but not her only support. I want to be her friend.....because of the special relationship we have together and always will, but I don't really want to be like a best friend that you hang out with all the time (you know what i mean?). I don't really know how to explain it....I just want to have a good open friendly relationship with her.

I have been following your struggles and know that you have tried so hard to make contact work even though it was not promised. I glad to hear that setting the boundaries that are needed right now is going better than anticipated. Phew! Good luck and keep us up to date. Happy G'Ma