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Reunited adoptees and birthmothers, how long do you think the adoptee should wait before broaching difficult issues with the birth mother (such as the birth father). I know everyone is different, but if you had to estimate a time frame, what would you say? Does it make a difference whether you are writing or meeting in person? Thank you.
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Sapphire, it needs to be based on the dynamics between the people involved. It truly is impossible to say when you should ask.
For example, it was very clear to me that I had a small window of opportunity with my mother. So, when she responded to my initial letter telling me to send her my questions, I included questions about my father, and I made sure that she knew those were of the utmost importance to me.
I'm glad I did because I decided to wait with some of the other important things. I asked for them months down the line, and I'm basically still waiting for those things.
I know that if I hadn't asked for and stressed the importance of my father's information, I'd still be waiting.
And, I know that my questions about my father didn't drive her away. She was never going to have a relationship with me. That was very clear to me from the start.
But, you really do have to the read the situation. My approach would not work for everyone.
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Hi Sapphire,Well, I have been in phone contact with my bm for a year now. On our first call I mentioned bfather and she said she couldn't talk about him. over the next few calls she told me very little things about him and NOT his name. I do know he is alive and lives in her town. But for the past few months, no mention of him.I did stress to her that I did want his name, but nothing and I don't push it. I am still working on meeting her, so I don't want to ask for too much.-just wanted to add my experience for you..good luck!
Hi Sapphire,
Well, I have been in phone contact with my bm for a year now. On our first call I mentioned bfather and she said she couldn't talk about him. over the next few calls she told me very little things about him and NOT his name. I do know he is alive and lives in her town. But for the past few months, no mention of him.
I did stress to her that I did want his name, but nothing and I don't push it. I am still working on meeting her, so I don't want to ask for too much.
-just wanted to add my experience for you..good luck!
