What is a good thing to say??

(QUOTE)She obviously needs to stay in mama's good graces or she would be supported to find herself or support other's who choose too without seeing it as a slap in her mother's face...__________________Just wondering what this means???? Okay, i'm one of those amoms and I hope my son doesn't think that he has to stay in my good graces by not searching if that is HIS desire. I personally would not be insulted. I WOULD probably go through a ton of emotions, maybe similar to what adoptees go through, I don't really know. I know there are times when i find nuggets in the paper or wherever about my son and i'm cutting them out and putting them in "his" box in hopes that it will help him when he is older, i do shed a tear. Out of jealousy? out of anger? maybe, a little but mainly out of love. Love for a boy that i want to be happy and feel loved, even if that means my place in life may or may not diminish with the years and even if it means that i will share him with someone else soon. jealous? maybe if the fact that i didn't get to hold and nurture him when he was born and didn't have someone to do that for him. Anger? yeah, but i'm working on that and it is not directed to him. It's directed at the situation and circumstances that were dealt him, that he didn't choose. But i pray that he will never feel that he cannot be honest with me about his feelings just to stay in my good graces or to keep from hurting me. Because whatever i'm feeling, i'm a big girl, i can get over it or work through it. But he will always be my 'little' boy.

I wish my husband's mother (amom) was as secure of a parent as you. She loved him just as much I have no doubts, but was no way as secure.

"Me thinks (s)he doth protest too much." - Shakespeare Sometimes people argue when they are feeling the need to be defensive about their own position. No doubt she has gotten messages that searching is hurtful to adoptive parents.

I agree. I know when I first found my bfamily a couple of co-workers who are also adoptees made some comments. But after a while they both came to me to ask questions about my search and reunion. And one even wanted some help to begin her own search. She told me that hearing of my search and reunion brought up some buried feelings of her own that she needed to deal with.

Adoption is such a sensitive issue. Some people just can't handle the intense feelings that it can bring about. Due to this, they subconsciously (or consciously) block out any feelings or go into denial about how it has impacted on them. Perhaps it is best just not to speak about it to strangers but to share your feelings only with those friends you know love you and whom you can trust? Just mho.

Pina, I think THIS is the place to share our experiences with being birth parents or adoptees. We do seem to tell each other of our anxieties and how we have or have not dealt with them.Got any books for me to read that you can recommend? The girls who went away seems like one I will look for this weekend. Do you or anybody else know the name of the author?dmca

The Girls Who Went Away is written by Anne Fessler... I'm midway through it ... it's hard to read at times... pretty good at stirring up emotions..... but I find I can't put it down. I really liked Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton, Searching for a Piece of my Soul by Tammy Kling, Being Adopted-The Lifelong Search for Self by Brodzinsky and Schecter and Birthbond by Judith Gediman and Linda Brown. I'm a reunited adoptee who actually located my bmom very easily... THEN did the devour any and everything that I could find on adoption, reunions, emotions, etc. Realizing that I'm certainly NOT alone in what I've felt and what I feel now really helps keep me sane. I've found the chatroom here to be a place of wonderful support. .......sal

I felt that it was understood that I should be happy with my afamily, therefore I shouldn't want or need to find out about my birth family. I was chosen and should be grateful. And made to feel guilty for wanting to search. I believe that 21 is still very young and her opinion could easily not even be her own but what she has been told all of her life. For me it was only as I got older that the not knowing begin to eat at me - especially when I had kids that would ask who they looked like. They could see family features on their fathers side but never on mine.........that still hurts and they are young adults now!

see , I don't "get" the " you must feel greatful" bit. If anyone should be greatful, shouldn't it be the adoptive parents? Why should a baby feel "gratitude" when it was the adoptive parents that asked for a child?maybe it's just me. dmca

I think when it is a loving home, that all parties should feel grateful and very blessed. Because unfortunately, adopted families or biological families, some are not so fortunate to be in a home/family where love rules. That being said, i think you can be grateful and still have a desire to know more about your roots.

Hey! look at that I spelled it correctly ( lol).:clap: I suppose in my naivity, I assumed that when you wanted a baby and adopted one, the love would be there. I can't conceive of people who can't love a baby or feel grateful to get an adopted baby. Sorry about that.:o As for "knowing your roots" I think that is essential for everyone. Knowing that you a part of something so huge and vast and that you are an irreplacable part of is important,IMO> dmcaOH and forgive the typos, I'm queen of the typos.:eek:

Hey, i did the same thing too. I spelled it the way you did but caught it right before i submitted it. I agree with you 100% that parents should feel grateful for the child they adopted. I can't comprehend them not feeling that but obviously there are cases when they do (you wonder why they adopted) but i can be pretty naive too. I just meant that i think all parties would feel grateful to be part of a loving family. I know I feel so much gratitude to my parents for the life they gave me. My childhood wasn't always easy but could have been so much worse and i know they did the best they knew how.

It seems to be a "product" of the time how adopted parents were told their children should feel. When my bmom was adopted (yes, she was also an adoptee) she was told that she should be grateful that she had been adopted as children of that era were made to feel that had they not been adopted and legitimized they would always be looked down upon in the eyes of the world. How sad! They (we) had nothing to do with the circumstance of our birth!

I think the word "gratitude" has a bad rap in adoption because it was often used to shut kids up or keep adoptees from searching by inducing guilt as in "Can't you just be grateful for the great family you have." For birthparents it's also been used in a painful manner, as in "Just be grateful that someone wanted your illegitimate (sometimes they even used the "B" word) baby." or, in open adoptions where visits were cut off, "Just be grateful they still send pictures and letters". or even in good open adoptions where there is healthy, on-going contact. "You must be grateful that they keep in touch", as if you should not expect someone to uphold their promises. For some, this directive to be "grateful" is like having to thank Aunt Jane for the orange sweater with brown pom-poms... For others, even though they may actually feel gratitude, they feel that saying it is negating their right to search or know their roots. JMHO

I think you did right by trying to tell her your side. It sounds as if she needs to do some soul searching because I don't know how she could possibly not want to know her bparents.