BoTM Club June Discussion: The Girls Who Went Away

I just finished the book yesterday. Wow, I really enjoyed it. Some things that stuck out to me was the raw feelings of all of the birthmothers. How very little choice they really did have. And how much they really loved their babies. It made me cry to think that my mother went through this. I found it very interesting that adoption records were "scripted". Mine followed the "script" as far as my bdad is concerned. So now I really wonder what the true story is. I am also wondering how I would go about finding some of the women who were in the unwed mother's home at the same time my mother was there. Does anyone have any ideas? Snuffie

[FONT=Georgia]I narrowly avoided being sent to an unwed mother's home (Marillac Hall in Farmington Hills, Michigan) because the wait list was so long that I wouldn't have been admitted until just before my due date. I did get the tour of the home though. Instead, I was sent to my Aunt's home. I thank God that I missed that experience! However, I can testify to the repressive social climate of the times, my parents' shame over my pregnancy, and the coercive, judgmental and plain fraudulent practices used by the adoption agency to secure relinquishment of my son. Mothers of the closed adoption era are coming to refer to this era as the "Baby Scoop Era" or BSE, and I embrace that term as a true description of the adoption practices and social acceptance of those practices.

snuffie

I am also wondering how I would go about finding some of the women who were in the unwed mother's home at the same time my mother was there. Does anyone have any ideas?

Snuffie

Snuffie,

When was your mother in the home and what home was it (name and location)? I am a member of a group and several of the members are in the book. I can pass your information on to them and see if they were there then.

Also, I recommend posting threads in the birthparents forum with that information and see if you get any hits. You might also want to post that information on Internet search boards and see if you get any responses.[/FONT]

Obviously, this is one of those books that has touched many people and is extremely thought-provoking. I'm glad the discussion has extended in to July. I haven't "heard" the oral histories and I'm sure they must be even more powerful when you hear each birthmother's individual voice. Is there a way to access the oral history project online? I've seen other people mention this book on other threads here and I'm happy to see the word get out. I would imagine that The Girls Who Went Away will be a new adoption classic. I wonder if Anne Fessler has plans for a follow-up or other adoption-related projects. Does anyone know? Since my first post I have learned that my own birthmother was not in an unwed mothers' home, but it might have been a near miss. She didn't tell anyone she was pregnant until her 8th month. Five days after she finally told her parents and they came and got her from college she gave birth to me.

I have finished reading the book and I can say that I haven't read anything that has moved me as much as this book has. I am adoptive mom of a 4 month old. Reading that book has made me all the more sure of our decision to have an open adoption with our daughter's birthmom. I would hate for our daughter not to know her story and history. It has made me realize that even today, people who are in a vulnerable position of being pregnant and alone could be coerced into placing a child when it really isn't what they want. I'm so glad that we went with an agency that tries very hard to make sure that women know the rights and options they have available. We are still going to the agency for monthly visits and I try to tell everyone there that the have to read this book. What struck me so much about the book was the similar experience that so many women had. It didn't matter where they were or who their families were. The societal pressure was so strong. What also struck me was the downright cruelty of some of the nurses and social workers. I have to wonder if they honestly thought they were doing what was best for the young women. I wonder if they now regret their actions. I would like to hear some of those stories as well. Beth

:clap: :clap: :clap: Wednesday, July 26

ABCs GOOD MORNING AMERICA !!!

7AM * 9:00AM (east coast) check local listings.

The segment will probably be 4 -7 minutes including studio and taped

segments AND the next day... Thursday, July 27 THE DIANE REHM SHOW *National Public Radio You can listen live or download at: [url]http://www.wamu.org/programs/dr/[/url] The segment will air live on Thursday, July 27 from 11:00AM * noon (east coast). (Ann) will have two (local to DC) moms in the studio with (Ann) * Margy McMorrow and Ann Hughes. --------------------- In addition: RADIO - this weekend Sunday, July 23 The John Rothmann Show KGO-AM 810 * News Talk, San Francisco 8:00 AM (east coast) 5:00 AM (SF) * LIVE Station archives programs for 24 hours only on website listen live or find archives at: [url]http://www.kgoam810.com/listenlive.asp[/url] IN PRINT -- These reviews appeared with no advance notice. They can be accessed on-line Sunday, July 16 The Plain Dealer (Cleveland) ٳWhen Society Shunned the Unwed Mother by Vikas Turakhia [url]http://www.cleveland.com/entertainment/plaindealer/index.ssf?/base/entertain[/url] ment/1152952234240110.xml&coll=2 (the site may ask for your zip code, year of birth, and gender before linking you to the story) Sunday, July 16 The Post and Courier, Charleston >Girls Oin troubleҹ Tell of Secrecy and Shame by Jackie Tremblay [url]http://www.charleston.net/stories/?newsID=97677§ion=books[/url] July 15 The Globe and Mail Ontario, Canada ҳChildren Lost and Found by Marilyn Churley [url]http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20060715.BKGIRL15/TPStory/E[/url] ntertainment July 8 Miami Herald * This is another reprint of the Jackie Burrellҹs Contra Costa Times piece, which has appeared in several newspapers under various titles. A Time of Shame for Unwed MothersӲ by Jackie Burrell [url]http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/people/women/14984821.htm?source[/url] =rss&channel=miamiherald_women RADIO *broadcast yesterday July 18 Women AloudӲ GreenStone Media Live 4:20 -- Eastern Time (sorry * they dont archive)

""Is there a way to access the oral history project online?"" No there isn't. The 'Oral History Project' will only be archived at Harvard Univ. (Women's Studies) in the Schlessinger Library and available to those people/students to listen to in the course of their studies. The audio tapes can never be checked out. Shadowdove

Stupid me being in no technology land next week. I would have liked to see that Good Morning America!

just a reminder that Ann will be on Good Morning America tomorrow. Any one watching, please feel free to report in your impressions of the interview if you can.

I watched this morning. It was extremely brief and I guess I was hoping for more. Ann Fessler mentioned that she'd spent only one day with her own birthmom who is not yet ready to tell others about her. She said her mom hasn't told her other children, either. Didn't the book mention that her mom never had other children?I'm going to check out the NPR link for that interview in a few minutes. Hopefully it will give more details.All this comes on the day that the adoption agency confirmed the identity of my own birthmom. My head is reeling!! :cheer:Sheri

OK, the NPR interview was fantastic and more than made up for the lamo interview on Good Morning America. I spent close to an hour holed up in our family's study listening to it with my dog. My dh and all 3 of my kids popped their heads in the room, but left when they realized it was more of Mom's adoption stuff. I've read the book (it changed my life) and this interview is as close as I'll get to hearing the oral history project. It was well worth the time and I might have to listen again. I encourage everyone, whether you've read the book or not, to check out the program. I will admit, though, it did take a few minutes to get over my impatience with Diane Rehm and how slowly she talks. Sheri

Rehm's recent frightening battle with a rare neurological disorder, spasmodic dysphonia (SD), a condition that "creates a stranded hoarseness [and] fills [her] voice with tremors." A radio broadcaster's nightmare, the loss of her voice took her off the air for an extended period of time and into a frantic - and successful - search for treatment. As she has with other trials in her life, Rehm has faced this ongoing struggle with fortitude, insight, and pluck. Didn't know if you knew... DR wrote a book called "Finding My Voice"...she's one of my favorite interviewers.

This is a pretty old topic, but I wanted to reply anyway... One thing that surprised me in the book was a comment made by one of the birthmoms near the beginning. She was the one who'd had her baby scooped, and later got pregnant and had an abortion. She said her abortion was by far easier than her adoption, and that she'd do it again any day but would never have another adoption. This stunned me. How is knowing that your child is dead be easier than not knowing where your child is and how they are doing?

Perhaps and only perhaps, the thought of bereavement long term (and separation from a child and not knowing what is going on in their lives [closed adoption] or not having any part in their being raised, other than a photo or access once a year [open adoption as I understand it]) is just too much emotionally for that person to contemplate. Living, knowing that there is a child out there and the incumbent feelings that one has to live with day in and day out, the emotional heartache, yearning, so many emotions to deal with, torment, perhaps some that get abortions just feel that they will deal with it better if its done and dusted, finished, then you get used to the fact its over. With adoption there is no way it is over, it lingers, it permeates every aspect of your life and if there is reunion.... my goodness, torture all over again (my experience) as the separation has damaged the child in a variety of ways (The Primal Wound) and put barriers up that you have to spend possibly years of overcoming, it goes on and on. I can't say I condone it, but abortion does seem to be the option of some. Saying that, I think that abortion can be presented as some 'little blob of jelly' that a woman is getting rid of, rather than a life that is beautifully formed and feels pain before 24 weeks (as recent research confirmed in the national newspapers this week). So maybe, just maybe, in this age of 'lets get rid of it' and 'inconvenience' and 'heck, I'm pregnant, I'm panicking here...' abortion is presented a bit like a nip and tuck. Surgical procedure.... with consequences that are different for every single person. Some are fine with it, (really?) others are scarred for life. I personally am glad I went to the pro life lobby and watched a film as to what abortion entailed before deciding on what to do with my baby 30 years ago. I can appreciate your thoughts also, but I try to understand why society has given this alternative to pregnancy. I have my thoughts on this, but best kept to myself I think.

One thing that annoys me about the way the "baby scoop" era issue is treated in the media is that these women seem to never be asked, "Do you have any ideas on how you would have managed if you had been allowed to keep your baby?" I imagine at least some of them probably would have guesses at how they could have made it work but the interviewers seem to jump right to the emotional part and not move much beyond the "I could have had my BABY to LOVE!" issue. I don't mean to be insensitive, but it also seems that some of the same media who say to them, "Poor you, you didn't get to raise your baby." are the same ones who say "Poor you, you DID get to raise your baby." to many current young single moms, and of course go into great detail about how hard THEIR life can be, even with the illegitimacy stigma not being a problem today. P.S. I have no problems with a young single mother choosing to have and raise her baby btw, as long as she parents responsibly. I respect her for that if that is her choice, just as much as I would if she chose to let the child be adopted by another family.

Bump Such a great idea!!