Does it ever feel like this?

Our experience is much different, though our son was placed with us at birth. To him, we are 'real' mommy and daddy, and he also has bema and beda. So, no, I do not ever feel I'm paying for the expenses to rais someone else's kid for them. I'm doing what any parent does, which is to raise a child, and doing so concious of the fact that another mom has entrusted me to do this well. JMHO Regina

I don't feel that way either, but again we are in a domestic open adoption and have had our son since birth. I know that I am my son's Mommy but she is his first mother or what we call Tummy Mummy. I have no doubt that he will grow up to love me just like any child loves their mother. We make all the decisions on his care. We don't have to consult her. We don't call her up to ask if something is okay regarding how we are raising him. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't share things with her. I do. I try and share anything that makes her comfortable. That is hard right now because she is hurting but I look forward to a lifetime of sharing with her. We all know, however, that we are not sharing parental rights. She wants him to love us as Mommy and Daddy. She wants us to create a family. I guess the best way to explain it is that we are just sharing the love we feel for him. I don't think that should cause any confusion for him. Does that make sense?The way I see it is that he is so lucky because he will also have this other incredible woman in his life who he can love as well. I don't know if I articulated myself well because I'm new to this but I believe open adoption can really work. Peace, K

Open can be as open as you and the bmom want it to be. I've seen open adoptions where the bmom gets pictures and letters about her kids a few times a year. And I've seen some where the bmom gets to visit the kids monthly. The level of openess depends on what the 2 of you want. In most open adoptions that I've observed, the bmom is in the same role as, say, an aunt. They are there for the child, but at the same time, they respect that the amom was chosen to parent the child and as such, they try to give them the space to do so.Once you adopt a child, I personally feel that you, the amom, are for all intensive puposes, a "real" mom. You are the one they see regularly, depend on for the necessities, and run to to wipe their tears and kiss their "boo boos".

usually birthmothers pick you because you fit what she wants in a family and if she didnt feel comfortable she wouldnt of picked you.

I adopted from foster care, and I'm sure the bparents would make me feel like a babysitter if the adoption was open. And I'm sure the child would be put very uncomfortably in the middle of a tug of war. Even without the bparents being involved, the brelatives make me feel like a fake mom. Most of them are very positive about me, but in such a polite way that it makes me feel weird. And one is not the most supportive. My dd and I had a big spat yesterday, and my dd called her bgrandmother. Instead of the g'ma telling my kid that these things happen and assuring her that I love her, she told her that she would tell me that I should let her go live with her where she is appreciated. But, children don't make such a distinction. Even when she was a new foster placement and she expected to return to her parents, my daughter wanted me to go live with her family to take care of her. Then for a while she promoted the idea that I should marry her dad so that she could have me too. She almost always maintains even now that her parents were fine and she loves and misses them and ought to have been allowed to stay with them. But according to the therapist she only says it because she thinks that is how she should feel, and I think that is correct, because a couple times when she has been thinking about her childhood she says things like her parents were evil people and it was horrible to live with them.

Howdy, that's really inappropriate and very unsupportive for both you and your DD. I'm sorry that bgrandmother doesn't see how positive her supporting you and your DD's relationship could be, that this child shouldn't be tugged at every chance bgrandmother gets, that she doesn't realize she can love her granddaughter and support you both. For the original question, Regina said it best. We are in an open adoption as well, not through the foster system but through direct infant adoption in which our child's bio parents chose us. ...Our experience is like Regina's.

Yes and no to the original question. It really depends on the situation and the people involved. With time as you bond to your child and as the bparent sees you parenting that child your roles in the childs life will become clear, but at the begining it can be confusing and difficult emotionally for everyone till you each find your places. I went through a rough period at the start of our adoption(almost the whole first year) where It was so difficult to find my place and I did feel like That was her child and I felt guilty for being able to parent her when i knew she wanted to. (It's wierd I never thought I would feel that way....because for the first year I had her as a fosterchild I was 100% her Mommy in my mind and heart and hers...but what happened over the next 6 months of the case and right after she signed over her rights....really affected my bond with my daughter. I had emotionally, spirituatlly and physically prepared not only myself but my daughter to move back to her birthmother and then it didn't happen. So it was hard to get back what we once had....where I felt like Her Mommy and where she knew that our home was her home and she wasn't going back to her birthmom. But now I do feel completely like her mommy and i do have an open adoption with her birthmom and she is not confused about it. We all still struggle at times with our feelings including my daughter but we all feel more secure in our places. At times it does feel like on big happy family and other times it still feels a bit awkward.

In my FS case. We've had him since he was 8 weeks old and he is now almost 21 months. We've gone to all of the court hearings and I've supservised almost all of the visits or at least been a part of them. The whole time I have and contiue to feel like his mother. I know his birthmother is in NO position to parent him. I know he came from her womb but that does not make her his Mommy. He knows who his mommy is. We've just had the TPR hearing in March where he rights have been terminated and she has had her final visit with him. But now she has chosen to appeal the TPR and it will hold up his adoption for another 6months to a year. We have offered a semi open adoption with just letter and pictures at this point because she is so heavily into drugs at this time and through out the case. But I would be open to having visits with her if she appeared clean and if that ever happens in my heart and mind and my sons I will always be his Mommy and she will be his birthmom. I won't have the confusion and mixed feelings I had with my daughter and her adoption. Their situations are so completely different.

[font=Comic Sans MS]I totally love what you just said about a bmother. They are Tummy mummy's, WOW I love that. I love it a lot. I am also a Bmother and I went through an open adoption process when I was 18 yrs old. The adoptive parents sent me photo's of my baby daughter off and on for the first 5 yrs. I tried to write back but it was totally difficult, painful and hard. I loved getting the picture's of her and I knew she was HAPPY and Healthy. Everything in her life was perfect. I would feel depressed and sad she wasn't with me. I missed her so much. I had to just keep myself busy with lifes experience's, college, friends, work etc,..... I wanted to be strong enough and write more often but I didn't. I just wanted her adoptive family to have their privacy to raise her, guide her without me in the picture. This is my own personal experience. I looked at open adoption from a different point of view, I got to choose her parents, I knew where she was going once she left the hospital. I honored her adoptive parents. I was single and pregnant at 18 yrs old I just wanted to give my child "THE LIFE SHE DESERVED. A BLESSED, LOVING ENVIRONMENT WITH A MOTHER AND FATHER. " It wasn't about me. It was about my baby's life. How could I make her life better? I just wanted the BEST for her. This was in 1988. If I knew now it was okay to stay involved through letters on a yearly bases, I would have loved that and I would have done that. I basically thought about the adoptive parents feelings before my own wants and needs. It's not easy giving up a child. It's stays with you every day. I'm 36 and a wife and the mother of three amazing children. I've never forgotten about my first baby, she has a special place in my heart. I don't know if she will ever want to make contact with me. I want to say I don't think about it but I do. I leave it in God's hands whatever happens, I'm going to be okay. Just to know she has had a blessed life with wonderful loving parents, what more could I ask for? GOd bless. [/font]