Anyone have a bchild move in for extended time?

I should add, I have 3 rsons, 26,24,20. the 26,20 yr olds wives, are expecting babies, in a few days, and in 4 wks. they also live 10 minutes from us. 24 yr old is 45 min away. Any body have any similar situations. sajofo

Not sure if your saying this is a good thing or a bad thing? I know for my mom, who is a bmom, is wearing the baggage/crest of pain she has carried due to her decision of giving up my oldest brother. My mom gave a child up 47 years ago, and then later married and had four more children. My oldest brother who she raised, takes advantage of her, and her need to make up for giving up her oldest son, (who none of us knew, but are searching for). You might say she feels she owes it to my brother (at her home) as she would do for all of us if we let her. I realize its a mothers need to look after her children, but in this case it is very different, because its based on guilt of her past. Not healthy for her. No parent owes it to their adopted child returned or raised, to keep a roof over their heads till they die. Your job was done when they finished school and got their jobs. Its your turn to be single and free with your husband. I am also a bmom, and if my son wished to come and stay while he got on his feet, I would arrange that with him, however never on the premesis that I owe it to him, or that he could stay indefinietly. So again, not sure if your okay with the arrangements or not, but just know, you dont owe it to any of them to house them for long term or permanetly. You owe it to yourself to Happy! How are your other kids with these arrangments? Take care, and sorry if I misunderstood

Hi Lisa, your answer is just that, what the variations may be, in our lives. I understand your mom's take, we fall to that often, guilt/baggage weigh's on us. It is not fair to anyone. I will pm you more later, as I want this to remail neutral on my story for now. Interested in others views. thanks so much, Sajofo

Hello ? Any thoughts on this? sajofo

I am an adoptee who just spent 5 weeks living with my mom. I wouldn't trade that time for the world. I am going to go live with her again for 2 months this winter. Her and I both feel that spending large amounts of continuous time together is so extremely healing. So, from an adoptee's standpoint, I see nothing wrong with it, as long as that is what you both want.

My daughter found me about 16 years ago shortly before the birth of my grand daughter. They came for about six weeks and stayed with me and the daughter I raised, when the baby was about three and a half years old. We had a great time. She met her siblings and extended family and lots of my friends. We have a lot of similarities in looks and personality. There have been alot of bumps in the relationship road but I would not give up a moment of time we have spent together. That was about 10 years ago. According to her, it helped her through some rough times and enabled her to find herself. She turns 40 in November and my youngest daughter turns 30. They have a good relationship and we are both close to Caitie, our niece and granchild. The important thing is being comfortable with whatever you chose. It was hard as she was not raised the way I would have raised her. I did feel a little guilty because she seemed to suffer from low self esteem. But, it was the best as far as I am concerned.I am sad to say her adoptive family and I have never met, although we have spoken on the phone. I am truly grateful for them.

To keep this thread going- My bson (30) stayed 8 mos with us. He has recently moved- to an apt about 6 miles away. Near two of his new bro's and just blocks from bdad/gramps. He says it all seems pretty "normal" now. we just are part of his family. He gets to his parents home (3hrs) monthly also. We did professional photo's last weekend, 4 generation, and family- pretty nice. :flower: Happy Autumn everyone. sajofo

I was coerced into relinquishment by my parents, who had the support of the attending physician and the agency, in 1970. All consent paperwork had been signed when son found me in 1991. I was married at the time with three minor children at home. My b-son was also married. When his marriage failed a couple of years later, he moved in with us. He lived with us for at least a year, maybe two. I don't think any of us would go back in time and change having been reunited. However, we certainly have had our challenges to face and with no resources to consult while going through them, we made it up as we went along. I'm sure we made huge mistakes. One major difficulty was rooted in him being very young for his age and wanting to be friends with his b-sister's friends. She is nine years younger. I had boundaries for my daughter and her friends (high school students during the period when he was living with us) and they were used to obeying parents. My son, being an adult, didn't have the same boundaries and, at any rate, wasn't used to having to follow the rules of my house (It was kind of like the opposite of the a-parents fear of the adoptee running home to the b-mother in reverse. When I'd tell him to quit doing something, he'd remind me that while I was his mother, I wasn't his mom). I mean, it wasn't that he was particularly wild; it was mostly fairly benign stuff, but I always felt the tension of him pulling his sister and her friends in to an adult world where they weren't ready to be. Also, I had two daughters and a son at home, not just the one. In aligning himself with the older girl, he hurt the other two, especially his younger b-sister. The other issue for me was that my son's a-parents did not honor the only wish I was allowed to make, which was that he be raised Catholic. They converted to Jehovah's Witnesses when he was seven, which forbids its members to celebrate holidays (imagine the tension in my house around holidays) and to proselytize. This has always been a huge issue for us.

Personally, I would have a problem with any 30 year old moving into their parents house. (Unless there was a crisis) Him "Sowing his wild oats" and needing to be tamed is not a crisis. The only way he is going to be responsible is if he is made to take responsibility for his life. At the very least charge him room and board.

Brenda,On an intellectual level, what you say seems obvious. Not so easy on an emotional level after spending a lifetime beating yourself up for the years the child was not able to live with you. Letting the adult b-child move in feels like redemption; it eases the horrible guilt somewhat. Surely you can understand that.

While I understand why it is done, I also know that mothers and fathers sometimes have to do things that are uncomfortable or downright painful. What might feel redeeming, may be enabling our children (no matter what age they are) to continue making irresponsible decisions. If we are truly to "own" our motherhood, that means respecting ourselves and teaching our children to respect themselves. What may be "redemptive" to us may be saving our children from anything.

Brenda, Each case is different. My son moved in with us because he needed to do so for his own development and healing process. Allowing him to do so was not enabling; it was more like facilitating a rite of passage for him. I did not support irresponsible behavior and said painful things when necessary. When my son was ready, he moved on. Allowing him to go through this was redemptive for me in that I felt (and still do feel guilty) for not having been there for him when he was a growing up. That doesn't mean I was a doormat.

I did not say you were. I am saying that adults need to take responsibility for themselves. Having any child live with you out of your own sense of guilt is not what is necessarily best for that child. The OP was talking about a 30 year old who was on month 10 of a 6 month stay. She also talked about him "The last 10 years- he has spent sowing his wild oats. working partime, living in interesting ways. Now I am trying to tame the beast with in. (sort of)" That's why I mentioned charging room and board. He's not going to learn anything freeloading off his birthmom.

I second Brenda. We have to parent out of what will bring the child to healthy independence and self-sufficiency, no matter how tempting it is to foster a dependence or immaturity that may make us feel needed as mothers or assuage any guilt from the past. It's often the hardest part of motherhood- not the self-sacrifice of "being there" but the more difficult self-sacrifice of resisting the urge to be the "loving, needed mother-rescuer" when what the child needs is to be responsible for his own life. Barring mental or physical illness or extreme personal tragedy, anyone at 30 living off parents and not having a job is just plain immaturity and indulgence, not personal progress.

Hello- As the OP (original poster) I am ready to make some deeper comments on the reason for my " Post" First off, I am 47- Before the days of internet, I was basically, a birthmom, one who had a child at 16. went on to marry to years later,(not to the bdad) have 3 more sons. I choose to keep in contact with the social worker, it was a totally closed adoption. I was sowing seeds for a future reunion, that I hoped someday would happen. I had a problem as well that would not be solved until a reunion someday: I did not know for sure the father of my child. IT was a shameful thing for me to continue to bear over the years. However with out DNA testing, we would never know. I did "know" the possible fathers, and as a pg 16 year old, I just was scared. AS now a 45 year old- I was just "tired" of holding on to the past. THAT was a biggie in my upcoming reunion, once bson asked that the records be opened.. In the forums here, I was encouraged to be honest. I was able to PM a young man, around the same age as son, and he gave me much strength and confidence to move on "with honesty". I would have to "tell" my raised sons, (my choice) as they grew up knowing about their "brother". Just not who his father was.. The reunion went on well, the aparents were accepting of me, and the situation as well. The testing was done, and things were OK, now, where do we go from here. Mental illness, was a factor, for both of us, bmom and bson. Depression was part of both our lives. whether it was situational, lifestyle, or a combo of both, we were both "hurting". Thru a year of emailing, and phone calls, and a few f2f, it was felt by my husband and I, it might be best if bson came here. Aparents felt fine with that also. WITHOUT the forums, I had no "support" to the outside world of Adoption. SO much could be gleened, by the honest thoughts of all members of the Triad. THIS place was a lifeline... It allowed me to anticipate possible reactions, and showed me how open and caring the world could be to an otherwise " shamed and lost birthmom" who had appeared to be handling things well, in the day to day living in life, 28 years past the adoption. THE chance that my bson could live with me, was a dream come true. An opportunity, to have him know his other families. THE chances that the birthparents still kept in touch, and lived near each other, were unusual. And that the bson had spent 10 years away from aparents, in distance, not really estranged,but things were difficult, was a chance for a healing with their relationship also. WE all had best interests in mind. and were willing to talk about it pretty openly. So that is how it came about.. It was not always easy, in those 8 months he stayed. We had difference of opinions on life, work ethics, and sleeping habits. Depression, had been DX, as Bipolar- and the meds were a question.. and no insurance was a problem... and him being alone, and far away, was troubling to both "parents" so that was a big part of the reason we all felt it would be a good thing to be closer. aparents lived 3 hours away. 28 years old. That is "old" but can be "young" too, if one has not gained much in life. There are area's in the USA, where many are still struggling, because of being out of work, and un-insured. I did not want my "son" to be struggling- and going down hill because of that.. IF we could take him in, and "support" him, till he was in a mode of regaining some of what he had lost. so be it. He was raised in a very good home. Poverty was not an issue, love was abiding, family was supportive. It was an influx, of the "drug scene, and independence, and rebellion" that had caused the downslide of our "son" SO-- today, he lives on his own, nearby. His amom came to our house for a family Christmas. The bdad and bson, know each other, and have a relationship. Remember, the DNA.. it was a surprise to this bdad, just found out he was the father. 28 years had gone by, he hadn't really thought of the situation. So it was a surprise to the family as well AND Bdad had his own sets of problems, much similar to bsons.. Interesting similarities. I think we will all treasure, the 8 months he lived with us. It did allow a bond, it didn't change the status of the moms. I respect the amom as the parent. and she, understands the unique bond we have as birthparents. I don't think anyone- can have too many people that love them, and that honesty is the best policy, when it comes to reunions. All sorts of emotions, feelings, came out during reunion, and the need for healing, to be close to that "lost" child, is hard with one who is a stranger, yet so loved, by his bmom, and my husband, who had stood by my side, as a birthmom desiring a reunion someday. He had given me a "mothers ring", 10 years ago. with all 4 stones in it. FOR someday, in case he ever found me. He knew that child, was a big part of me. Well, long post... :coffee: I hope it clears things up. Happy New to all. :thanks: for all who helped along the way.. sajofo