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Honestly, Im a bit nervous about posting on this board because I have tried it before with some really negative results. I am hoping this time will be different. I am also posting my ғquestion under several topics to get the most feedback possible. I warn you, itԒs long! :rolleyes:
First let me give you a very super condensed version of my situation.
After going through a nasty divorce and an even nastier, disasterous attempt at co-parenting, my husband allowed his two children to be adopted by his exs new husband. They were ages three and four at the time. The oldest remembers my husband and myself, and according to the ex, the younger child does not remember much at all. At the time of the parental rights termination, the agreement was that my husband would still be allowed to have contact with the kids. His ex went back on that and we had no contact for over 2 years. Over the last year and a half or so they finally allowed LIMITED contact. One visit was made by my husband but things went downhill fast after that. They were overly strict in how they would allow visits to occur. Yes, I know that is their right, but it was not something we were able to deal with. WeҒve since had no contact besides sending birthday cards the kids, for six months now. During that time his ex contacted my husbands parents and invited them to have very liberal contact with the kids and they are doing so.
Now to current issues. I am now 5 months pregnant. I believe it would be best for the children, my baby and my husbandҒs two, to know each other while growing up. Although they certainly cant have a remotely traditional sibling relationship due to the situation, I think they would benefit from at least not being strangers. I hate the thought of the children meeting someday after they(husbandҒs two) are 18 and being total strangers. Especially since my husbands two children do have contact with their paternal birth family(the grandparents), I feel it is only natural to give them the opportunity to know their half brother or sister as well. I contacted hubbyҒs ex to tell her about the pregnancy and request that we open a new dialogue about resuming visitations next year when the baby is a bit older. She has not responded to me, but she did fwd my email to my father in law with a note saying IӒm not dealing with this. So I really have no idea where she and her husband stand on things since they wonԒt reply to me. In case you are wondering why I contacted her instead of my husband, its because she and I have had a lot of email communication in the past and made good progress that way. My husband is willing to talk to them about things as well, but heҒs a bit miffed, as I am, that she wont respond to me at all. So now we are at an impass because she will not respond to me which is what my husband is waiting on, and the grandparents who do have contact with them wonҒt get involved because they are afraid she will stop their contact with the kids if they make her mad. Shes done it before. My questions to you all is do you have any suggestions as to how we may approach her to get a more positive response? It is a complicated situation so feel free to ask about anything you need clarification on.
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My story is different, but has a common element. My first child was adopted by my parents 14 years ago, so we do see each other. We don't have much of a relationship but that's another story. I now have two more children, I'm not sure how to differentiate in words of the ones who live with me and the one who doesn't and isn't legally mine anymore. Anyhow, I just told them today that their "uncle" was my child too once upon a time. Like I said, my relationship with my first son is weird. Not horrible and awful, just kind of cold and stiff, we don't talk much. All of my boys spend time together a few times a year - we live really far away from him and my parents - but their relationship is more like teenage uncle/nephew (he was 9 when my next child was born). My children I am raising know their "uncle" as a person and have a relationship with him. I hope you are able to work through this. I can't even begin to guess what you should do, it sounds like the ex really needs to feel in control, I think that you will get the best results by being patient and going slowly, explaining your position and waiting, ask her if you can talk/email at some time in the future - but set a date like in 2 weeks or a month so that you know it will happen. Best wishes. I hope you are able to work this out.
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