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Hi there,
I just need to get my thoughts out of my head and onto "paper" (so to speak) so I can try to move on from where I find myself at the moment.
I'm feeling lots of anger at the moment about being an adoptee even though I've been in reunion for 7 years. I would love to hear from anyone who is in this situation where their bparents have married and stayed together and had more children (I have 2 full sisters and 1 full brother). At first I thought I was the luckiest person alive! Now I feel like I don't belong anywhere!
I have lived in the same city as my bfamily and amum for the last year (my adad died when I was 13). Previously I was living overseas. I've always been close to my amum but since moving here and being closer to my bfamily, I'm feeling more and more like the outsider I always felt like when I was growing up. (I didn't have anyone's nose, or laugh, or toes.......you know what I mean. My amum never understood me growing up.....we have sinced talked about it and she's fine but I still feel a little resentful sometimes) My afamily were/are wonderful (sounds like a contradiction from what I've just said......apologies if this doesn't flow properly.....) and I've had a good life so it's nothing they have done but it's just how I FEEL.
I also now feel like I don't belong in my bfamily as they have all grown up together (the siblings didn't know about me until bmum found me - we were both actively looking for each other) I find myself sobbing like a baby (i'm 6 mths pregnant at the moment so my hormones are all over the place!) when I listen to bmum talk about when the others were babies and them growing up. I'm just so ANGRY that I wasn't able to grow up with my bmum like they did. She was showing me the girls baby clothes the other day and I had to leave the room and couldn't stop the tears.....I felt so awful for her and for me. I'm so angry at HER mum (my b nana) who made the decision to give me up for adoption as bmum was only 15 when she had me.
Sometimes I love being with them so much, it hurts. I really am one of them. We have so much in common it breaks my heart that I was the only one who wasn't there!! It's like being left out of the most precious, amazing god-given group of people you could ever imagine. Sometimes I feel so close and connected to all of them, then something trivial will be said and I'll feel like the outsider again and want to run away where I can't be hurt anymore.
I guess my question to anyone out there in this situation, is this just a phase or is this what it will be like for me for the rest of my life??.. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster and no one else gets it. I can't talk to amum about it and don't want to. I do talk to my bmum but feel I shouldn't because I don't want to "burden" her with things that can't be changed. I'm not at all angry with her about the situation because I feel like we've both suffered because of someone else's decision.
I just want some peace in my life about where I "fit". I'm married with a 2 yr old son and I'm expecting a little girl which is also incredibly emotional for me. I get to keep my little girl...........my bmum wasn't given that right and they treated her like garbage (her parents and the hospital staff). It just breaks my heart. I want bmum to be at the birth but she said she can't because that's amum's place; which I do understand; but I really, really NEED her to be there. I can't explain it. I just can't imagine her not being there to see the next generation of "us" coming into the world. To be able to share that with me, would be so precious to me and for her (that's my feeling anyway) and I'm so hurt and distressed that she can't/won't/doesn't feel she can be there. She said she will wait outside the door......that breaks my heart even more!
ok, will sign off now. Sorry this has been so loooooooonnnngggg but needed to get these feelings out and hope that someone is able to share their experience with me.
Thanks for listening.
SpecialK :)
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Hi WLD,
Thanks for your reply. Yeh I've thought about not having either of them there. My amum was there for my son's birth because he was born overseas and I'm more than happy for her to be there for my daughter's birth. I guess I feel like it will be a healing experience for my bmum and me.
My amum knows that I want bmum there and she is happy about it.
Cheers
SpecialK :)
My sister and i both are adopted, for her, her bparents were married and already had a daughter, then for whatever reason they adopted my asister out, my sister of course knowing the situation has no intention ever of looking for them and I dont blame her at all. I found my bmum and bfather 20 years ago when i was a teenager. Typical story too young etc, didnt stay together, shamed parents, so adopt the baby out. Took years but once I found my bmum and all her family, I managed to build pretty good relationships with most of them, and a fantastic relationship with my bmum. I had both mums at my girls birth, my amum nearly left but I made her stay, and for me, having my bmum there for my daughters birth in the hospital where I had been born and adopted out from closed a cycle. And opened a new one, I recall walking out of that hospital with my bmum on one side and my amum on the other and my daughter in my arms. None of us have looked back since. I hope it all goes well for you, but if it doesnt, then time really does heal wounds, well it did with all of us.
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Thankyou so much for your wonderful replies. It really made my day!
I've since spoken to bmum about being at birth and ended up sobbing (probably the hormones mixed with emotions!) I explained why it was so important to me that she be there and she said if it's that important to me, then she will come. She does want to be there, but doesn't want to upset or offend amum. (When we first met in person, I was at bmum's house and amum rang and got upset that I was spending "too much time" with them which in turn upset me, so bmum has held onto that and feels very wary of being with me or doing things for me even though amum is ok with us spending time together now. It was just where amum was at at that particular time. (Gosh this relationship triangle is so complicated sometimes!)
Silk: Thanks so much for sharing about your daughters birth. It bought a tear to my eye. I hope I can say that after my daughters birth. :)
Mommy24: Thankyou for your kind words. I would love to PM you. :)
HealingFeeling: Ditto, it put a smile on my face too! :)
Kerryn :)
Wow specialK, I can relate to so much of what you say.
My birth parents married 3 years after having me and went on to have 2 girls and a boy so I have full siblings too.
I felt an instant bond with my mum and didn't blame her for my adoption-she was pushed into it by a very strict aunt.I wasdelighted to find I had siblings and they welcomed me and we got on well.However as time went by I became more and more aware of all they had had with our parents and all I had missed andvery reluctantly and sadly have had to accept I will always feel an outsider.
Sadly our reunion broke down after 14 years.I had 2 children when I found my birth mum.When I got pregnant with my third I told my birthmum before telling anyone else(apart from husband)-I wanted her to have something special to share in-she had missed my wedding and the birth of the first 2 children.
Sadly I think you may need to prepare yourself for these feelings being long term, though maybe they are heightened at the moment with you being pregnant.
During our reunion I was surprised by the level of anger I felt over a long period of time.It kept coming and going but was about the social pressures that had led to my adoption, the fact that I could never get my childhood back, the assumption that people make that it is all a happy ending when sometimes the pain is overwhelming.
I remember one moment when I had an incredible urge to sit on my bdads lap and realised I would never be able to do that.It would have been inappropriate at the age of 26, but if we had stayed together that would have been just a normal everyday thing.
I am truly grateful I found them and grateful for the time we had together, but sadly nothing totally eliminates the pain of what I lost.
I have 4 lovely bkids now and one adopted and I feel so in tune with the bkids(and getting there with our adopted one).I am so proud of and happy with the family I have as I know it is not always easy to keep a family together.
Wishing you all the best for the future,
Jude
Wow Jude! Your thread has come at just the right time. I have been feeling SO torn about my relationship with my bfamily that I've made the decision to have some time away from them. I spoke to my bmum this morning on the phone and I ended up hanging up on her (very immature of me) because I was so angry that she was dismissing how I'm feeling. She said "I can tell you're having a bad day so I'll give you some space to get over it." The tone was not a nice one but one of annoyance at me having these feelings. She keeps telling me I'm just like the girls but I'm not........they got to have her as a mum and I didn't.
In your post you said: "During our reunion I was surprised by the level of anger I felt over a long period of time.It kept coming and going but was about the social pressures that had led to my adoption, the fact that I could never get my childhood back, the assumption that people make that it is all a happy ending when sometimes the pain is overwhelming."
I can't believe you wrote this because that's exactly how I feel and I've talked to my bmum about these issues but she dismisses these feelings and says I should be grateful that we found each other and are in each other's lives. We have had some truly wonderful times but for me they are always tinged with sadness that I too, will always be an "outsider". I'm getting tired of the ups and downs and feel that it would be better for me and my family if I cease contact as it's affecting me almost on a daily basis. I should be happy about having a baby and excited but all I can think about it whether I want them around when she's born. Now I think it may have been a mistake for me to move closer to them as all I feel like doing is running away.
Bmum makes comments that I'm her "spare" daughter sometimes and at the time I just laughed but it's obviously hurt me on a much deeper level because it keeps coming to the surface for me.
I've also decided I will try some counselling so try and talk to someone about this so I can get the feelings out and try to move on somehow.
I feel so sad that this could be the beginning of the end of our relationship but I can't see any other way for me to stay sane and happy for my husband and kids and my very supportive afamily.
Thanks so much again for listening and sharing your story. It really means alot to me that someone else is in a similar situation. Please feel free to PM or email me if you'd like to talk further.
Hugs to you and your family
Kerryn :)
I had one child already when my daughter was adopted. Her birthfather and I went on to marry and we've had 2 children since.So my bdaughter has a 1/2 brother, a full sister and a full brother now.I'm frequently terrified of what she will think of us going on to marry after giving her up - when at the time we made that decision, we didn't believe that we had a future together, and just wanted her to be raised in a stable home - which we could not provide her.I always feel alone in that - in a way it's good to see I'm not the only one out here who married the birth father.... but scary to see the troubles and heart ache above and beyond the usual it seems, that the adopted (grown up) children are dealing with.
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Hi Birth4Mom3,
My bmum told me the only reason she married by bdad was because of me and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable but seeing them together, they were meant to be together. And it's nice to know that I'm related "fully" to 3 other people (my siblings) and we are all so alike it's not funny.
I don't regret one single minute I've spent with my bfamily and am so utterly grateful that I've met them. The first time I met my bmum face to face, when she spoke (well actually she cried and cried) but her voice was so familiar to me it was very freaky. Nice freaky, like I'd met her before and I just knew her. We are very similiar in alot of ways and sometimes she is still the scared, 15 year old who was sent away to have a "sinful" baby with no one really supporting her through this incredibly traumatic time. She and my bdad did not want to give me up but her parents made the decision because she was so young.
It's hard to say how each individual person will feel about their reunion etc. and I only hope for happiness and love for you when you meet your bdaughter.
Hugs
Kerryn :)