Anyone Out There Feel This Way???????

I guess I'm reaching out My poor husband does not understand why I keep going to the computer I'm numb I just want to curl up and sleep and not wake up, that's how I feel. But why???? Please pray that my bmom will just pick up the phone, call me and say, "Amy, I'm ready to talk. Can you come see me?" That's what I want, I think.

Amy,I know these feelings of emptiness and indifference very well. Money and medication cannot help quiet these emotinons; they may distract us from them, but they don't help. These are feelings we can't run or hide from and I don't know what it takes to get rid of them. Perhaps the emptiness adoptees feel and the reason we search for our bfamilies happens to be our cause and effect in the whole realm of things. I search for knowing the unknown, hoping to find love and acceptance. I suppose I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I don't want to continue living in exile. Warmth and love were scarce if not absent while I was growing up; similar to your description. Perhaps finding them will help. I certainly hope so. Some people, even those closest to us are so afraid of showing love. It's almost as if they can spend it and never get any more. As for new reuniting, sometimes a nice friendship within the family is satisifying step in the right direction. Some people act like they have so much love in their lives, they can't possibly find room for more. They can't give more; they can't receive more. How rich they must feel! Please keep yourself safe and I hope you find the peace and love you need. I hope your mom calls soon!Bob

Amy, isnt it amazing how we humans function? We can have the best life and yet when something we desire is "missing" we just cant see beyond that. I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry to hear that your birthmom isnt giving you what you need, but please remember it isnt you, it is her own problem, insecurities, her lack of strength. Keep coming here for support, continue to turn to the Lord, Let Go and Let God, and please feel free to PM me anytime, I am a birthmom, I have no idea how you feel or what you are going through but I do have compassion for you and would be willing to listen if you need someone;)

I know I belong in my husband's life--I think--I know He loves me. Unconditionally, I think. My children, I belong in their lives. And quite frankly, if it was just my husband, and no kids, I don't know how much longer I could go on, except for the fact of my old counsellor from highschool. He has invested so much in me in 17 yrs. and I know it would hurt him, because he really does love me. But, when I look at my life, this is what I see. . . . I wasn't IMPORTANT enough to be kept by my biological mother. For her to go to her parents for help and bring me home to the farm. She wanted her FREEDOM, without me. I wasn't good enough for the first foster family. As soon as I turned blue and couldn't breathe, they took me back to the hospital and signed me back off to the ward. I wasn't good enough for my adopted mother. She only intended to foster me until a home came available for me, permanently. So, out of revenge to my father and me, and knowing that my 2nd oldest brother didn't want me to be adopted, he was 10 when the adoption went through, she fed me to the wolves of her MEANNESS and my brother's meanness, and to the meanness of school, and the meanness of her father. "Don't touch me" "Don't mawl me" "Stay outside until I call you" "If you ignore your brother, maybe he won't get a rise out of your sqeals and tears, and he'll stop" My brother used to throw me down the stairs, slap me, pull my hair, make fun of me, let the dogs bite me, etc. And my mother let him. My oldest brother SAW my grandfather and I behind the chicken coop and he TOLD my mother and grandmother that something was going on with the two of us. My mother and grandmother just looked at each other and said nothing. It stopped, the day he died. After he finished getting his kicks, he sat down, rolled his eyes and died right infront of me. 4 yrs. after my brother warned them what was going on. My mother and my grandmother KNEW the whole time. And did nothing. I was rejected and despised in that family, except by my dad, but he couldn't do much. Oh, and my oldest brother, he loved me. But, he was 12 yrs. older than me and wasn't home much. At school. . . "One eyed cydclopse" "One-eyed monster" "Booger Lady" "Retard" "TMR" "Jerry's kid" The teachers, the bus driver, NOONE did anything to stop it. To stop the hair being pulled To stop the lunch being taken To stop the punches To stop the name calling Until grade 8! My grade 8 teacher told the class why I was absent. I was having my 2nd 12 hr. craniofacial surgery to look normal, like everyone else. Came back to school, all the kids apologized for the last 8 yrs. and that was fine. Highschool Don't remember too much It's all a blur Not even my classes. My depression and suicide attempts escalated. . . Until I left for college. . And started a new life. I have great friends Who do love me. But, I've noticed something I always say "I love you" FIRST before anyone else. Today, I stop saying "I love you." Unless it is said to me. Maybe people onlysay it to me, because I say it first. I have really really REALLY close friends. Even so close as to my children are in my will to be with her and her husband. But. . . . . I don't think I can be loved, like I love others. I"m not meant to be, maybe. I don't know. My birth aunt said, "I love you", 2 Fridays ago, as she dropped me off at the airport. She meant it. She told me, earlier on in emails and conversations over the last year that NOONE says it in their family, except her and my birth mom to each other. She doesn't tell her friends that, and that I was from a very DIFFERENT culture. So, I HAD NEVER TOLD MYBIRTH AUNT, "I love you" because I knew I may offend her, or something. So, 2 Fridays ago, when she said it to me, I FELT LOVED. I miss her. I feel bad. I have my husband and kids, but if I had the $$$, I'd go right back up there again, just to be with her. Maybe I have to come to terms that I am not meant to be loved or belong. I just have to accept this feeling for life. I don't know.

My dearest Amy, I hear you. I hear your pain. Is it possible to find a FREE clinic that specializes in psychology? Can you phone many pyschologists until someone agrees to see you?Are you religious? Can your clergy help you locate someone for you to talk you?DON'T GIVE UP. SEARCH DAILY for someone to help you. Until then, keep posting. Put it out here. Won't hurt us at all and may help you.Many Many hugs and blessings dmca

Amy,There is usually a free clinic in most states. Most clinics have a hotline that you can call to talk to a caseworker. I live in Oklahoma and there are hotlines. Please know that God loves you. I understand how you feel but you are loved and needed. Your children and husband need and love you. You are important. I have felt tired too. Please remember you are important to us. Keep posting we are here for you. Does your state have hotlines? They are private and the caseworker will keep your information private. Remember God loves you.

Oh Amy, I read your story and I want to cry. Never give up!!! I am a B-mom and I always wondered how my daughter felt until last year at the age of 24, she told me. We all feel your pain, and I want you to know that you re so truely loved and needed. Especially by your children and husband. Have FAITH. Keep searching and things will happen. What I had to learn is that things happen in GODS TIME, NOT MINE.

I feel your pain all too well. I do not know where I belong and feel numb from the pain. Even at 22, I cry out my bmom's name wishing she would be a part of my life. I feel empty, lost, alone, don't know what to do, and can not vent what I feel because my parents don't want to hear it and don't understand. So I am to pretend everything is ok. I know what you are feeling and I wish it could just end. If there is ever a time that you need to talk to someone I am here for you. email: jenn_e_ritter@yahoo.com

My Dearest Amy, While reading your post, I thought I was reading about my life. I for many years thought I didn't belong anywhere. Sure I have a great life, great husband, good kids whom are almost grown, yet there was a HUGE void in my life. My A-Parents were not that affectionate, sure I felt love and security, but there was hardly any physical contact. I always felt like the outsider. People in the family treated me different, and every time I would try to tell my A-Parents about it, they said it was all in my head. I spent years feeling alone, and wondering why.... Why did my B-parents not want me. I too was always the first to say I love you in hopes that someone would love me back. When I was growing up I had this fairytale made up in my head on how my birth parents were and how they would be if I found them. Boy did my bubble pop when I found them.I found my b-parents 13 years ago. It was a wonderful experience, but the wonderful soon turned ugly. My b-mom was very jealous of me, called me a gold digger, and that the only reason I found her was to get to my b-grandfathers money. Mind you I had no clue, about any money. Unfortunatly she died 3 years ago. Although I am glad I met her, I don't miss her. I found out who she truly was. My B-father on the other hand, is great. But after all of these years of trying to be his friend/daughter, I am ready to give up. He is a great man but I feel like I am chasing him for his love. My b-Aunt is amazing, like yours she gives unconditional love, always saying how much I have changed her life, and that she is so glad to have me back. I guess what im trying to say here Amy is. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and children who love you very much. Don't rely on someones love who doesn't know how to show it. Focus on your family's love that is right in front of you everyday. I had to learn the hard way. It's sad and it breaks your heart wondering why. But sad as it is there is no why, it just is. And we cannot change that. My heart goes out to you, because I truly understand, you are living my story. I thought I was all alone out here living in my hurt. Just know now YOU are not alone. If you ever need to talk, or vent or just be you, Please feel free to email me anytime at RebeccaBrown@sti.netPeace Love and Happiness Rebecca :wings: