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Here's what bothers me (in addition to everything else). Expectant mom selects me through agency. She scoffs at the notion that she could possibly change her mind. We wait. Beautiful girl is born on July 27. Mom is sad, but firm. She makes sure hospital know about placement, and insists they give me full access to the baby (mainly in the nursery). She signs TPR on day 2. She and baby are released on day 3. She holds baby and says goodbye to her in private. I thank her, and she thanks me. I held off until then, but when I finally took her home, with TPRs signed, I felt like her mom. I loved her like I was her mom. On day 6, within the revocation period, she tells agency she's changed her mind. She can't go through with it. I am devastated, but I understand how she feels. She is a good person. I know she is not doing this to be hurtful. I return baby to agency. Here's the thing. I feel like I returned my daughter to the agency. I feel like I've lost my child. Why then does everyone say "YOUR child will find you"? Well, who was she to me? Who was I to her? Just an interim nanny? Did her mom ever become her birthmom, and me the mom, even for a minute? And why do people believe that, in adoption, babies are so interchangeable that if another is placed in my arms, that will take away the hurt of losing this one? Our arrangement was going to be for pictures, letters and occassional visits. I was open to more than she requested (or thought she could handle). I planned to always make sure my daughter knew about her and understood her love. Now, I am swept under the rug. My daughter will never even know I existed or how powerful my love for her is. I'll never hold her again or kiss her little nose. Can anyone help me sort through this? Char
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You did mother this child and your loss must feel quite deep. but this child was not yours. first and foremost the child belongs to his/her original mother and the law allows for a revocation period, wich she used. There is too much 'MINE' business in adoption and that is what makes adoption what it is for the most part - aparents and bparents doing this stuff. Let it go. The baby is where it should be.
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my husband and i experienced the same thing 15 months ago, except we had Chloe for 3 weeks. I just recently found my pbmom on a website that teens frequent. so i emailed her to see how she was doing. i couldn't help it. I wanted to know what had happened to my daughter. the little girl i watched on the sonogram machine, who i felt kick in her mom's tummy, who i fell in love with and will never forget. it was a bitter exp. she (pbmom) changed her mind 3 times. well she emailed me back and we talked about everything, and she told me that she had a hard time bonding with her at first, (because she had distanced herself) she never changed her name, she said that Chloe is who she is, she is a part of both of us. Chloe is very happy and seeing pictures of the pbmom and bdad all together as a family makes my heart leap. she has a daddy, mommy, and a big sister. I have my closure now and it feels wonderful. I think I am happier than I have been in a very long time. Even though we adopted a little boy days after she came for Chloe, I was still very sad and felt like someone had taken my daughter. Now when I look at he pictures and see her smiling with her sister, I know she is where she needs to be.
Michelle
Thanks Michelle, I've also asked for a picture from time to time. I don't know if Natalia's birthmom will send any, but I really hope so!! I also long to know whether she kept the name I gave her. It's the only lasting thing that I could give her, so I hope that she is able to keep it. Char
We had a safe haven baby for 3 wonderful months!!!
Bio mom changed her mind and courts forced us to return baby..... i will never forget my sweet soft beautiful perfect angel...
bettridge@ameriech.net
Adoption should not be this difficult!!!
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I wish that there was a law that stated the day the baby is placed in the amoms arms that the baby cannot be removed from the home. I know this will never happen. I was fortunate that this did not happen to our baby. I am an amom. I worried everyday for six months. The bmom in our state had six months to change her mind. The day the adoption was finalized was one of the happiest days of my life. I am so sorry about your loss. You will grieve just as if you had loss your child, which is what happened. She was your baby for those precious few days. I will pray for you and your family. God bless you. I will pray for the baby and her bmom.
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I felt the same way you do about 18 years ago. I started to college and turned it over to God. After one and 1/2 semesters, my daughter was born and the agency called and we brought her home. Previously I had met an elderly woman in a grocery store. She instructed me to buy a baby bed and place it in my room. I thought she was crazy, but I bought a bed and put it in my room. A few weeks later our daughter was born. This may not work for everyone. I do not know why it worked for me. But, I decided that we had tried everything with infertility clinics, so why not buy a babybed. Well, I will pray for you. I cannot tell you what do because you have to decide what is right for you. I pray you will have your child through adoption soon. I know that our state claims to have alot of meth babies. I understand that most of the time the babies are ok. God bless you and hang in there. This is so sad for you and my heart goes out to you.
patti Daniels
I wish that there was a law that stated the day the baby is placed in the amoms arms that the baby cannot be removed from the home. I am an amom. I worried everyday for six months. The bmom in our state had six months to change her mind. The day the adoption was finalized was one of the happiest days of my life.
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Well the laws are in place for a reason for the preservation of the family unit. I do not know enough about your story of a four year old. However that six month period is there for a reason to preserve the family unit. When one takes baby into the home in the first place one opens one's heart up to such heartache. We received the safe haven baby with intentions of adopting her, but the birth mom returned well within the 28 day wait period to reclaim. I did consult lawyers and was told birth mom was well within her rights and we had no standing. I am extremely sorry for whatever pain and heartache you have had and are going through currently. I myself finally reconciled what happened to us and I am moving on. Even perhaps therapy could be an option, especially if you feel you cannot love your four year old unconditionally as you say. I myself am getting therapy to help me with the adoption morass. By the way, heard some statistics last evening that 2/3 of prospective adoptions fail that birth parents change their minds. The agency we are working with has only a 63% success rate, and our referral service told me that is a high success rate. Soooooooo, either guard one's heart, garner all the support you can, or perhaps adoption is not for the faint of heart. I really fear offending you, but I wanted to reach out and try to help.
Pattyjb
I do not know enough about your story of a four year old. ..if you feel you cannot love your four year old unconditionally as you say. ...I wanted to reach out and try to help.