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I feel sometimes like decisions are made that are "in the best interest of the child" and for some that is not seeing the birthmother and for others that is seeing the birthmother. I know people have strong feelings and arguments for both sides, But no matter what you feel, I tend to feel these decisions are really being made on some level for what is good for the adults in the situation. I want my son to be happy. But, who is to say that he is going to want one way or the other. I know lots of adoptees who do not know their birthfamily and are fine with that, including my father and cousin who have never wanted to search and don't feel any connections to the women who placed them. On the other hand, I also know couples who have open adoptions and it is wonderful for the children. I think both can work. I'm thinking maybe I should just leave it up to my son. If I stay in contact through letters and pictures with his birthmother than he will have the option of meeting her oneday if he chooses. Maybe he will want to. Maybe he won't! But, why should we decide for him?? What do ya all think? Peace, K
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I think you pose an interesting question. My outlook is that this decision isn't any different from all the other decisions we make as parents based on what we think is in our child's best interest. As parents, we must decide where they'll go to school, what they'll eat, whether or not to take them to church and if so, which one. We make those decisions because they're not equipped to do it yet. As parents, we have information that we can use to decide about contact that a child doesn't have the capacity to analyze. If children could make every decision for themselves, we'd be unnecessary.
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I think it is a fair question, and I also think it is fair if a child is older and decides THEY don't want to continue to have contact that all parents respect their wishes. We just had a visit yesterday and the comment was made to "be a big happy family". That is great in a perfect world, but having adopted thru the foster system and knowing the reasons we are in the situation to begin with, should they relapse into that lifestyle again...what then? In many ways at this point, I think our open adoption is more for the birth family than us or even Bear. Maybe just because it is so hit and miss with contact from them. This was the first visit in a year with b-mom.
HBV
...this decision isn't any different from all the other decisions we make as parents based on what we think is in our child's best interest.
We've all ready discussed this in our family. When/if Munchkin decides that she doesn't want face to face contact with me, D will still deliver regular updates so that I am not left wondering if she is okay, growing well, etc. It is important to discuss this within your own situation so that it's not a shock to either side later in life. D and I respect each other not only as Mothers but as friends. And while she would never force Munchkin to have a relationship with me, she made a promise to me in regards to updates on the Munchkin. Likewise, during this time, I would send updates to D instead of to Munchkin so that when/if she came out of this no-contact phase, she could read what I did, etc, during that time of no-contact. :)
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