Advertisements
Just a question....at what age is it appropriate to talk wo my kids (5 and 2) about being me being adopted and about Mommies friend , J, my bmother.
I do not want to confuse them and I am not having them call her anything other than mommies friend right now. But at what point in our reunion do I explain who she really is? When they are old enough to understand? Not sure when that is...I was always told I was adopted even as a child but I have never treid to explain that to my oldest son. Not for any reason other than it has never really crossed my mind.
I am leaning towards waiting until they are much older but I also do not want to think I have lied to them about anything.
Has anyone else had to deal with this? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Like
Share
tough one cnb...... I don't have kids yet so I'm no expert at this... I do know that my sister didn't know I had a different father until I was 15 and she was 11. She didn't take it well at all....and the whole family thought it was strange that she wasn't told as a child...so that it wouldn't be shocking to her (like it was). You could just tell them that you grew in J's belly and then grandma took care of you your whole life. Or maybe don't tell them just yet and start introducing adoption based books into their reading so that they have some basis.... i don't know!!!!! i just wanted to try to help you....i'm sure some of the others with children will be more help to you.... flips hair, and exits the room hehehehe, that was my Cher impression!
Advertisements
HF- That is my fear that if I do not tell them that they will think I hid something. I just want to do right by them and not confuse them with things they would not understand this early on...
You know all i can think of with you and the Cher thing is Jack on Will and Grace with his Cher imitation...."if I could turn back tiiiiiimme" makes me smile.
You are the best..lovin ya hf!
I grew up with my Bio Mom and ADad. My three children had no idea. I never told them. Until the day he died most of my friends didn't know either. I just never talked about it I guess. Four years ago my Birth father got back with my Mom. I then had to make the decision of telling my kids. At the time they were 6,7,10. They accepted it. They call him by his name. My birth father wasn't very stable growing up and that was the only reason I never told the kids. If your Mom is stable and wants to be a part of their lives,I say tell them. Kids understand more then we give them credit for. :)
I was just thinking of posting this same question last night. I don't know what the best way is either. I was thinking of using the same method my mom and dad did in telling me I was adopted. I think they just told me every day from the day they brought me home. Getting books on adoption and reading them too is a great idea. There are so many beautiful books out there.I am close with a few of my b-mom's relatives, and my aunt and uncle adore my daughter, so I know they will be a part of her life as she grows up. There will be some explaining to do, and I want her to know the truth as she grows and not just spring it on her. I do talk to her about "momma L" (my b-mom) and her aunts (my half-sisters), but my dd is only 15 mo. old.I am looking forward to read what others have to say!
I loved that episode of Will and Grace classic!!! Cher was so fabulous to have a "Cher-off" with Jack!
Cnb- What an interesting question. Like healingfeeling I have no children so of course- no practical opinion- but wow, this is something I think you should definately begin to address. What if they have a friend who is adopted soon and they talk to you about it and you haven't yet shared your story with them- how awful you would feel to spring it on them then, or hide it from it them...
I think the thing with most of us who always knew about our adoption was that it seemed somewhat "normal" to us, since we had always known. When we really began to understand it however wasn't until we were a little older, but I think that extra processing time is good. Don't you?
I wonder what other adoptee parents think about your situation and how they have addressed this in their families... I'm intersted to hear what you come up with. My thoughts would be the sooner the better- the less dramatic and confusing- I would think- though of course I have no idea.
I hope you get lots of useful ideas. Thank you for the Cher memories. I'm giggling and smiling to myself.:clap:
Advertisements
I am so going to ebay and when I find the Cher doll HF it is all you!!!!
I am so glad for all of this input on this and Jan18 it is nice to know I am not the only one worrying about this...
I mean my 5 year old has not even asked about where babies come from yet (although he just started Kindergarten on Monday so I am sure THAT question will be addressed soon!) so that is why I was not sure of my timing.
Plus I am so new in reunion I thought about waiting a bit..that just in case mindset still runs through my brain..
Great...now I've got you babe is now stuck in my head for the day....LOL
cnb, my children are older, but as an adoptee they grew up with the knowledge I was adopted, I introduced it as part of who their mommy is. I rarely attached any strong emotion to it. They asked me questions as they matured. That being said, I shared with them when I had begun my search, and why. After contact was made with my bmother and bsiblings(they live a great distance), I determined the focus would be on me and them initially, after a time I introduced dh to the mix and after a year we made plans and took our children to meet them. For me I have no regret that I approached reunion in this manner. I'm a huge believer of slow and steady wins the race, so to speak. Now when one of my bsiblings calls and one of my children answer, they say Mom, Aunt so and so is on the phone, or they call my bMom Nanny such and such, the same as they address their other two grandmothers(my dh Mom, and A foster Mom I had in high school), and it's as natural as can be. cnb, my experience with children is they are very intuitive, and generally will follow your lead. When they see that you're comfortable with something, then they will be,you know? It's really all in the approach and delivery.Hugs,Rose
Advertisements
Rose,
Thank you for that post. That is what I was leaning toward was waiting a bit until I was fully comfortable with this and then I will sit down with my 5 year old and explain that Nana is my mommy but I did not grow in her tummy and kind of go from there..
I do not want to offer too much information and confuse him but I also do not ever want him to think I am ashamed of being adopted. It is a part of who I am and it is what makes me special and different.
All these things that 3 months ago I never even thought about....what a difference an email from your buncle makes...:cheer:
I might be totally off base here, but I am wondering if you really need to have a big, important, sit down conversation with them. Your kids are still really young and if you are comfortable with just slipping comments into normal conversation, it may happen that they just learn it as a part of their normal life. For example, if you check the mail with your children and sort through it, you could just say "Oh, here is the phone bill, the newspaper, a credit card offer, a letter from my birthmom and a grocery store flier." They may ask questions about who your birthmom is, but they may just let it go. With enough time and enough mentions, it won't be a mystery.
Now, I am certainly not advocating that you don't explain the situation. It is more like I am thinking that you can use the words so they know what words to ask questions about when they have questions. If you bring it up in daily life, it will become comfortable for them.
To this date, I still have not brought it up with my kids. I guess because I am waiting to see how the face 2 face reunion goes.
I am bringing photos of the kids to J, she has not seen either of my boys even in pics yet, and then I will come home and start slowly introducing her into their lives.
I am a little unclear at this point as to what position she would like to have in any of our lives, but if you are not going to have your kids call them grandma and I am old school and do not want my kids calling her by her first name I need to think about how they should address her. Mrs. X does not work, too formal..maybe just Miss J? Too stuffy? I do not know..maybe I will just let her set that one!
I hope that you will speak with your children about adoption well before you bring the idea of reunion to their attention. If they learn these things simultaneously it will be very confusing.My son was adopted so I've had lots of occasions to explain that I was adopted too. But even at five I know that he doesn't completely get it because the his interest in where babies come from is casual at best and he still forgets that he wasn't 'in my belly'. Comparing and contrasting seems to help a little bit. We explain that Daddy was in Grandmom's belly but I wasn't in Mia's (maternal grandmother) and that seems to help a bit. Understanding how families are formed through adoption is critical for your children, for any child really though it's something that other families tend not to discuss unless they meet a conspicuous adoptive family. We've also found that when friend's have babies that's a good time to try talk about adoption. You can discuss how their friend got a sibling through conception (in simple general terms, of course) and that your parents got you another way.
Advertisements
Adoption is something that is spoken about in our home. Not that we make a big deal about it but we do say the words. Our adopted daughter is 4. A few months back I was home with her and "A baby story" was on. My daughter asked if she was in my tummy. I told her no she was in R tummy and that R was her birthgiver. But that I have always been her mommy. My daughter than told me Mommy I was kicking, hitting and screaming to get out of R tummy because I wanted you to be my mommy".
We use the title birthgiver at the the recommendation of an attachment therapist that did a bonding assessment for us. S has been with us since she was 2 days old. She was a foster child. We adopted her at 21 months of age. We are the only family she knows.
We are now starting to talk about siblings. S has 4 siblings that she sees on a regular basis. They were adopted by 3 other families. Her birth brother that is 14 months older than her is one of her play buddies. We have agreed to with other families that we will tell the children they all were born to the same person. I hope this makes since. Sorry to get off track.
I've explained it to my 7 year old and she seems to grasp it fine. She had a couple questions.....the same questions I had. Why didn't he raise you? Things like that. My 4 year old though wouldn't understand at all. He's still young enough that I can slip things in. I don't hide conversations, so he may just learn by osmosis. I think that just referring to her as your birthmom to them might be all that needs to happen. Eventually, they'll ask what that means and you can give them a brief synopsis.