Advertisements
My story is kind of complicated. I'm 20 years old and found out I was pregnant a month ago. I'm exactly 12 weeks pregnant today. The father of this baby is my boyfriend..was..I don't know, but on paper, he is technically my husband. He is in the Navy and when we got "married", we were best friends and did it so he'd be entitled to living and housing money. A year ago, we ended up together, and I moved in with him which makes everything a lot more complicated. In addition, my parents knew nothing about me moving in with him. They think I live with a group of my girlfriends and am going to school an hour away from where I actually am. They don't know I'm with this guy either. My mother doesn't like him as a friend, and always warned me about his intentions. I never worried because he was my best friend, and he was not "my type" at all. But things change, and things happen. What touched me (and makes me feel so fooled now) is that even though he was not even close to being the perfect guy, I thought he was patient, kind, and would one day make a great father. But I also thought that if I'd ever get pregnant and wasn't ready for a child, I would have an abortion. Then, a month ago, when I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't. He wanted me to, and we fought and fought over it..which hurt so much, because I thought that was the last thing he would ask me to do. I told him that I would rather put the child up for adoption, because this is a baby..and whether he considered it alive or not, it still had a future, and no one has a right to take that away. We fought soooo much over this, and finally after fighting daily for 2 weeks, he stopped trying to convince me to have an abortion. But, I started thinking about adoption, and if I could really do it...and I thought, if there was ANY way at ALL to raise this child, I am willing to do it. I'm not worried about being up every 2 hours to feed and change the baby. I'm not worried about being tired at school or having to give up every single luxury. This is my baby and my responsibility is to put every ounce of my strength and ability to raise it. We live pretty comfortably right now..actually really comfortably. He recently purchased a dog for $1200 a month ago (not to mention the grown dog eats a can of puppy food mixed with some ridiculous expensive health supplement twice a day), drives a car with a $500 a month payment, we dine out atleast 20 / 30 days of the month, and still make rent in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in this city. I am willing to give up EVERYTHING to raise this baby. And I know it will be the hardest thing to do, but...it's my baby! But the father is worried because this doesn't go with his plan. He wants to finish school, establish his career, be rich, and then have kids. So he refuses to support me, and says that I cannot do this by myself, but he will have nothing to do with it. He is stuck on the idea that he will end up in his words "one of those families at Walmart", and that the child will ask for a new bike one day, and he will have to tell the kid that he can't afford it. So he says that if he can't give 100% of what the kid wants, he won't do anything at all. He says he is not mentally or financially ready for a child and that I am irresponsible and immature for wanting to bring it into this world. The thing is..whether he likes it or not, this baby is coming out, I am NOT having an abortion. We CAN raise this baby together, but he is just absolutely not willing to remove himself from being #1 on his priority list. I am considering telling my parents, but I feel like this is not their problem, and putting it on their shoulders should be my absolute last option. They will not be supportive and will be hurt, and stressed, and will want me to get an abortion. I've already decided I'm not going to kill an innocent life, so it will be useless fighting that goes back and forth. If the father will not take responsibility, then why do my parents have to suffer for it??? I can't think of anything else to do. I only have two options, adoption and to raise this child. If I place this child for adoption, it will hurt me, but this child will be happy, and my parents won't be hurt. If I keep this baby, the father insists that he will not play a part in raising it, but he will fight for visitation rights. It is detail that can be dealt with later, but it is just so ridiculous! I will not have a child know a man never wanted him in the first place!Please help, if anyone has any input, insights, advice, personal experience, PLEASE...anything...
Like
Share
Dear missev, We had the same hopes and dreams for her that your parents have for you. But her pregnancy made us put all of that aside because it became irrelevant. My daughter thought all of the same things about her dad and me that you are thinking about your mom. Don't get me wrong - it was very, very hard news for us to hear. And for a few days relationships were very strained and some angry words did slip out. But once we all started pulling together in the same direction and working on one issue at a time, things just sort of worked out. We started to get excited about becoming grandparents. We were mostly upset for her because we knew that keeping her son would make her life much harder than she we (she) planned. My friends who were by far the most encouraging are single parents. BTW - none of them are on welfare, all have good jobs, in fact, most have outstanding careeers. None of them live in substandard housing, most own very nice homes. Their children are very happy and healthy and get plenty of time with their parents. It is a myth that single parents are "losers" and that their children have miserable lives. I suggest that you talk to a counselor not associated with an adoption agency to explore your feelings about being a parent apart from what your husband wants or how your family will react. Big hugs!! I know it's so hard for you now. Happy G'Ma
Advertisements
missev
If I place this child for adoption, it will hurt me, but this child will be happy, and my parents won't be hurt. If I keep this baby, the father insists that he will not play a part in raising it, but he will fight for visitation rights. It is detail that can be dealt with later, but it is just so ridiculous! I will not have a child know a man never wanted him in the first place!
missey,Honey, your parents of course have these hopes and dreams... these are the dreams that *most* parents have for their children... however.There is nothing written in stone that says you can't go to college w/a baby. There is nothing written in stone that says you can't find "the one" because you have a baby by someone else.Picture in your mind, your mom being devastated momentarily. Processing the information you've just given her. Then, considering *all options*. Not just abortion. If you have it in your mind that this baby is what you want... and you have the supports in place... I'm sure your mom will be open minded and consider all options.There is no hard and fast rule in life that we can't take sidesteps to our goals and dreams for education, career, and LOVE.I thought I'd be married at 18 like most of my friends, and like my mom was. I married at 30!I didn't even start college until I was like 25 years old. And I finished college (two masters degrees) when I was like 35 years old!!!! And in all that time, I worked, so my company paid for my education (or else I would not have been able to afford it).I lost twin girls when I was 21. I thought he was *the one*. I am sad about losing the twins, becuase I can no longer have twins due to their loss, however, I am glad that the man who I thought was *the one* did not turn out to be him. My DH is *the one*! And it took years to find him, and he knew I lost twins and could not have kids... and he still loves me!I really want you to try hard to think outside the box you are putting yourself in, honey. Because you are closing this wall of pain around you and thinking up scenarios that totally might not happen. Look at what happened to me, just as an example. I am certain every poster here has the same story. Their family had dreams for them... John Lennon said in a song "life happens when you are busy making other plans". It is so true! Life happens.Here is what you might want to consider doing. Go to a local agency and ask for their birthmom counselor. Not an abortion clinic. An agency that helps moms figure out their options. They will be able to help you figure out the medical and all kinds of stuff and help you. You don't have to give up the baby for adoption to get help. They have birthmom counselors. They can even help work w/your parents all together to figure out what is best for you. Or, alternatively, mentally think instead of how you are letting your mom down... that you have been given a detour in life *that was meant to be*. We don't know what that happened. But it did. And you gather your strength, and talk to mom... and know that overall, she is going to stick by her beloved daughter *you*, and help you work through this.Please don't try to go through this alone. Whether you turn to mom, or turn to some kind of agency who has birthmom counselors that can give you direction... that is a step that you need to take forward towards when you are ready.Our prayers are with you, and you are so brave. Know that whatever decision you make, those dreams you have for yourself will never go away... and will become a reality. A small detour is happening, but that's ok. Life is all about the detours!please keep us informed of how you are doing. we do really care. i don't normally read the birthmom side of these boards,,, i came over here by mistake and it was so good i did... if i can help you work through this in your mind and help you find peace i will be so happy!
[quote=tyiakoum]missey,I lost twin girls when I was 21. I thought he was *the one*. I am sad about losing the twins, becuase I can no longer have twins due to their loss, Oops, I meant here I cannot have kids, not, twins! Sorry.Or, alternatively, mentally think instead of how you are letting your mom down... that you have been given a detour in life *that was meant to be*. We don't know what that happened. But it did. Here I meant (sorry, I should have previewed this before posting), instead that you are *not* letting your mom down. And that We don't know why that happened but it did.Sorry! Tammi
tyiakoum
Here is what you might want to consider doing. Go to a local agency and ask for their birthmom counselor. Not an abortion clinic. An agency that helps moms figure out their options. They will be able to help you figure out the medical and all kinds of stuff and help you. You don't have to give up the baby for adoption to get help. They have birthmom counselors. They can even help work w/your parents all together to figure out what is best for you.
Advertisements
oops, please forgive. i don't know the terminology yet on these boards. i just started reading them the other day and posting for the first time a few days ago.posting is scary. i don't want to offend. but i do have life experience and wisdom to share so, if anyone has been offended by my last post I am sorry and will be more aware....she has mentioned adoption so in that context, the counseling is called that sometimes. or, pre-birth counseling. i totally agree w/you happy g'ma about going to the military health care. missev, would the military docs refer you to a counselor?
Dear Missev, I've just reread through this thread again. You said your parents think you are an hour away going to school and living with girl friends. Are you in school? Are you currently working? Also, are you living on post? Is your doctor military? (I know - a lot of questions, it's what I do best!) One of the hardest things I had to do at age 20, when I found myself pregnant, was to tell my parents. I knew they would be hurt, disappointed, etc. I chose adoption (It was my choice and for me I still believe the right choice.). I don't think my mother ever quite forgave me for "giving her flesh and blood away"; my father on the other hand felt it was the right choice. I hear you saying you really want to raise this child. As others have said, start making a plan. I don't think I would plan on your "husband" being part of the plan. If he changes his attitude, it will be an unexpected bonus, but I wouldn't count on it happening. (Remember he "married" you to get more money - he wanted the perks without the responsibilities!) Your parents may well surprise you -- after the intital shock and grief. You know best what they are like however. The problem is you now have at least 2 secrets you are keeping from them and the longer you keep the secrets the harder it is to share. My daughter always said that if she got pregnant she would have an abortion. I was delighted that when she did (at age 25) there was no mention of abortion. (Her "fiance" is still living with her and they are raising the child together so that part is different from your situation - I guess what I'm trying to say is that reality and theory are two different things.) Listen to your heart. Do read some of the threads written by birth/first/original mothers who placed their children as well as threads written by adoptees. There are positive and negative stories from both. Do know that signing papers that remove parental rights will not be the end of the story. You will not just "get on with you life." Regardless of the love (and material things) your child experiences in the adoption he/she may well grow up wondereing what was wrong with him/her that you didn't "want" him/her. You might try talking to one of the chaplains on base. If nothing else, they can tell you who to contact if you need to get a hold of "hubby's" commander and what the procedures are. Again, as many of us have said, this is a place you can come to ask questions, to vent, for support. Blessings,Kathy
Been where you are, twice! Raised the first child alone and opted for adoption for the second. I know first hand how it feels on both sides. If you would like to here my story let me know. I am new to this so I'm not sure how it works. But I'm sure there's a way to contact me. I'll be waiting to here from you. You'll be in my prayers.
Advertisements
I think you are very mature and loving and yes If I had a son, I would do all in my power to make him step up to the plate, but in some kids eyes that never happens and even with adults it does not. I would love to offer any one a ear to lean on or just a friendship as a mom now and I once was that young teen mom, who babys daddy did not care, I can relate to you and your feelings. If you or any one would like to talk please feel free to email me any time. I think each and every one are Angels!:wings: Take care Mom in waiting :grouphug:
:) Please know you belong to a very great board, even know I am not a mom and can not offer you as much advice as the other ladies can, but I can tell you that you seen very level headed and strong, and so I believe if your plan is Adoption, then God will lead you to a family and if not he will show you a way to have this baby, women do not need men to be great MOMS and so if having this baby is something you want to do, Please do not ever think that you can not it alone, because if there is a way, god will lead you to the way. I am here if you ever want to talk, Please take care and stay strong. Married to a loving DHWaiting for the Stork to come and bring us a baby.
Hi, my bchild's bfather also demanded that I have an abortion and I am so glad that I stood my ground and refused. BUT if I could turn back time I would keep my baby and tell the bfather to take a jump and I would find a way to support us without child support. I have been part of an open adoption for 16 years and to be honest while I have got on with my life, I have stuggled with grief and loss and my bdaughter is also now very angry and trying to understand why she was abandoned and not wanted - even though we have had visits etc all these years.
Please parent if you can. I sounds to me like you are more than capable of bringing up this child. DO NOT listen to the father saying all that stuff about walmart! I wanted my bchild to have two loving parents, a stay-at-home-mum good education etc and she does have all that. But for my kept children they too have two loving parents but we have both had to work so they have gone to daycare, they don't have the latest toys or clothes but thye do have everything they need - love, healthy food, warm home etc. I could have easily provided all that for my first child. Honestly now that I have parented, I have realised that children need soo little materially plus there are so many ways to get the basics without paying lots of money. ie we go to the library to get the latest books and DVDs. You sound like a clever woman so I imagine that you will be able to think outside the square to provide for you both. Just remember that your baby wants to be with you. If she/he could talk she\he would tell you that. Baby would say: "please don't hand me over to strangers mummy. Please hug me and love me and never let me go." BTW don't listen to all that bad stuff about putting your child into daycare. Just find one with loving teachers. My children love it. banjo
One other thing to check on--You may check to see if there is a "crisis pregnancy center" or a "crisis maternity home" nearby. You may be able to get counseling and/or assistance (usually free) from a resource like this. Your profile says you are in CA, but I am not sure where... here's a link for Ventura--[URL="http://www.venturacpc.org/index.html"]http://www.venturacpc.org/index.html[/URL] (not that you're anywhere near there, just was the first thing I saw in CA) Organizations like this can be VERY helpful in helping you make decisions and plans regardless of your religious affiliation. And I just want to say one thing about the baby's father in this situation-- he married you "on paper" so that he could get more money-- looks like that extra money is about to come in handy. Good luck to you...
Advertisements
ggman
One other thing to check on--You may check to see if there is a "crisis pregnancy center" or a "crisis maternity home" nearby. You may be able to get counseling and/or assistance (usually free) from a resource like this.
missev
But the father is worried because this doesn't go with his plan. He wants to finish school, establish his career, be rich, and then have kids. So he refuses to support me, and says that I cannot do this by myself, but he will have nothing to do with it. He is stuck on the idea that he will end up in his words "one of those families at Walmart", and that the child will ask for a new bike one day, and he will have to tell the kid that he can't afford it. So he says that if he can't give 100% of what the kid wants, he won't do anything at all. He says he is not mentally or financially ready for a child and that I am irresponsible and immature for wanting to bring it into this world.