Advertisements
My daughter, M was placed in a closed adoption thirty-five years ago and found me two years ago. At that time she told me that her mom (amom) was upset over her search and that they had gone to counceling to deal with it and things were better. However things were not enough beter for me to visit their town so My daugher traveled to my town to meet me. I wanted to write to M's mom but M discouraged me from doing that. Mom sent a lovely scrap-book to me about M's life. In my thank-you note I did tell her that I could tell that I could see that M had had the kind of life that I hoped she would have and that I that I could tell that M still has a good life today because of her and M's husband. Is there anything more I can do? :confused: I don't want her to feel threatened. I have great respect for this lady and have only heard good things about her. I do however want ro see M and my grandchildren again. If her mom is ever willing I would love to meet her but I don't want to push myself on her. I just want her to quit worring. Another question. While I will never be my daughter's "mom" do you think it is threatening that I want to be a grandmother to the babies? I think this is something we can share. My daughter never mentioned that it may be a problem. My therapist thinks it is fair but I recently spoke to my pastor and he said it was threatening -that I gave up my right to be their grandmother when I gave M up.:( While I don't hear much from M at the moment she does send pictures of the babies every few months. I send cards and gifts and just sign my first name. I have met the oldest. (M was pregnant with the youngest when we met.) I live in another state and they are in the same town. What do you think?:confused:I would appreciate any input.:grouphug:
Like
Share
I think that totally depends on your daughter. She is the one who gets to make these types of decisions. She may not be comfortable with the idea, she may worry how that may make her mom feel, she may just not want you to be....OR, she might think it's a wonderful idea...fair or not, its up to her. Kwim?
My mom placed my sister for adoption (my aunt adopted her) My mom is definitely not "grandma" to her son. In no way shape or form. I don't think it's something that should be assumed.
But ya know, I'm Aunty...lol :)
It all has to do with our relationships and our comfort levels...and to an extent realizing our boundaries and roles..make sense?
Advertisements
I understand what you are saying. Right now my daughter has pulled away from me in part due to her Mom's feelings so I can't ask but in the past M seemed quite pleased that I am interested in the kids. They are the one thing that she is still happily communicating with me about about. I just mainly want to know for the future. In my heart I can't just turn these babies off and I don't think my daughter necessiarily wants me to but if M's mom and I are together at some point I don't want to cause a problem. That is why I am asking.
I wish I could turn back the time for my daughter's birthmom but I can't. I wish she never HAD to place her daughter.......but she did. I made a full loving commitment to be my daughter's mom. My daughter's birthmom reunited with my daughter and now their is a sharing of my daughter. I am no longer the ONLY mom. That is very hard for me. It is better now because I have accepted what I cannot change but in the beginning it was a very, very hard road for me. I am glad the two of them have been able to heal some of their pain and I am thankful to be able to see her birthmom and I really like her but it has been a painful invasion of my life. A fearful invasion. My daughter moved in with her birthmom and had no consideration for us. Yes, she had a lot to settle in her mind but a lot of people were hurt. My feelings were not considered and actually my daughter was angry at my feelings. Her birthmom is back in her life really being a mom to her and that is hard to deal with. My daughter doesn't have children but if she did, I would REALLY struggle with that. Am I selfish???? Maybe but those are the feelings I struggle with. I have been very supportive and loving with my daughter and her birthmom. But I still struggle with many emotions. It just doesn't seem fair. Nothing I can really do about though. I understand the needs of my daughter and her birthmom. I truly do but it doesn't erase the invasion I feel. Something I still work on. It hurts to know the reunion will go on no matter what I struggle with and that makes me feel very small sometimes. No matter how I feel, I love my daughter, I appreciate her birthmom and we get along great. Someday there will be peace for all of us.
I would think the best thing to do is follow your daughters lead. Keep doing what you have been doing, I think if she wanted you to have the title Grandma, she would tell you...
if you have met her children....what did she call you to them? Thats probably what she wants you to be.
I was very upfront with my sons birthfamily about what their titles could be. I had no problem with his extended birthfamily holding their titles (aunt and grandma) however, when talking to others, they do have the prefix of "birth". That's the way I did it within my own family (with my birthsister), and it worked quite nicely.
But thats me :)
I still say, follow your daughter.