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I gave my son up for adoption when I was 15 years old through a well known adoption agency in Ft. Worth. I KNOW to this day, it was the right decision. He turned 18 on 9/11/2006-6 days ago. I have had minimal contact with his adoptive parents, but they did send me pictures right after 9/11/01 because I sent a letter thru the adoption agency to them, requesting information. She was very sweet and told me his first name and what state they lived in and their first names. She also told me his grandfather was a doctor. So...now I have an 11 year old daughter that uses Myspace regularly. After all the negative publicity on Myspace, I have created my own profile, basically so I can keep track of what she is doing on there (and it's also fun). Well, it didn't take me too long to find my birth son. All I had to do was search on his first name, his state, and his birthday. I know for a fact it is him because I found his last name on his space, the city he lives in and then did a quick search on yahoo and found his parents name, also a doctor (that he was named after) with the same last name in the same town. AND...the pictures on his space, don't lie. What's really bad about this, it appears that he was in a drug/alcohol rehab at the beginning of 2006. It looks like he does the same things that probably put him in there, even now. His friends on there are all older and it looks like all they do is party....I didn't want that for my son. I gave him up for a better life. I don't blame his adoptive parents, it happens.....Here's my problem...what do I do with this information? Do I contact his adoptive mother? Do I contact him? I know he knows that he is adopted, and the family did an OPEN adoption with their second child. So, I want him to know me, like his family knows her. The adoptive Mom said she would help him register when he was ready, but what if he doesn't want to tell his adoptive MOm that he is ready????I really need some advice. The last thing I want to do is screw up his life and/or the relationship/reunion that I have wished for for 18 years and 6 days.ANY and ALL comments welcome! Thanks!
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Oh boy... I hope you will get some good advice and believe you will here. I was found by my son when he was 22. One thing I know...he had wished I looked for him, which if more time went by, at some point in the future I know I would have... but he beat me to it. First of all, I believe it will mean a lot to him, if you make contact... whether you do this through his amom or through him directly. (Others might have better advice about this). Does he still live at home? I would send a brief letter with your contact information... maybe send it certified with return receipt requested. Even if you get no immediate response (besides the return receipt, hopefully), at least he would know that you sought him out and that in itself may mean a lot to him. I'm sure others can give better advice as I wasn't a searcher but the one found. All the best to you.
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For a senior in high school, I would start with the aparents. Yes, he's legal, technically, but not really an adult yet. Getting close, but not yet. You always have the option to contact him directly if that doesn't work out, but he's still a kid in high school living at home, as high-schoolers do. So I would recommend starting with the parents for now. It sounds like things have been very amicable until now. Hopefully, the open adoption of their younger child has gone well, because then they will already be adjusted to the idea and understand more. Tell the amom what you saw (at least generally- if you don't want to give gory details), let her know that you aren't judging or blaming them, just that you were saddened and are concerned for him and just want to know if he is okay and if there is anything you can do to help them or him. Thank her for the update after 9/11/01 and ask her if she would do the same for you now, especially since you are concerned by what you saw. Then, let her know that you would like contact with him now that he is 18, and you hope that he is ready for that and that they are open to it and will support him if he wants it now. Give that letter some time to sink in and to hopefully, get some sort of response. If it's no response or "no" , you can decide then if more waiting is in order, or if you want to try direct contact. If it's "yes" then you will have many cheers and congratulations here. It sounds like you have good judgment. You are at least wise enough to take time to consider things and to ask for a variety of opinons before you make a decision. That shows maturity and restraint. I wish you the best. There are many other bmoms here in almost your exact situation (boy/girl 17-20, waiting and hoping for first contact...and watching on MySpace in the meantime:) ). I'm sure you'll hear from them. My perspective is from the amom side, what I think will work best in your approach to them and give your best chances for happiness and unity all around. The others here (Josh1788, InBlindFaith, Katlyn, and many others) can truly identify with your position and give support for what are feeling and how difficult "waiting" (the "w" word) is, but also how to hang in there.
personally at 18 he is an adult and yes he can make decisions at that age.... i would try to contact him personally and tell him straight from your heart what you want him to hear......but be prepared for the answer to be "im not ready yet for contact" and then let him call the shots.... i plan on contacting my daughter at 18 and she will know that i have wanted a picture for years but adoptive parents were very closed ........ all you can do is try and let him make the decision from there....... hope you come to healing .....:grouphug:
My thoughts are , this is not how I would want my bson to meet me, knowing I snitched to his parents about his behavior. I would, however, tell the aparents. I think you have a responsibility to inform them that he is headed down the wrong path. They must have a clue if he's been in rehab before. You could be saving his life. Another thing I would do, is ask that their source of information be kept anonymopus, so you aren't portrayed as the snoopy NARC. His judgements, and thinking are impaired so I would wait to initiate contact until aparents tell you he is clean. You want to meet him not his drug of choice. I know the wait may be unbearable but he may not be able to handle all the emotions of a reunion right now. Ask the aparents to keep you updated and I'll pray that they thank you for showing concern and bringing this to their attention. Good luck and let us know what you decided.
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Here's an update. Not sure where to go from here. I decided, with lots of advice both ways, to send him a message through myspace. I saw that he read it and didn't get a response for 2 days. I wasn't surprised. He was so excited. We sent messages back and forth for a couple of hours. He thanked me in every single message for finding him. He didn't even know where to begin. He signed off that night saying he would put more pictures up on his site the next day and he looked forward to getting to know me. WELL....that was 10 days ago. He hasn't logged on the myspace since that day. I haven't heard anything. I did find out through talking to him and a little research on my own, that the reason he was in rehab is that he flipped his truck last November and was given at DUI, at 17. The judge ordered the rehab. For some reason, that makes me feel a little better. Not to make excuses for him, drinking & driving is NEVER acceptable, but maybe this taught him the lesson he needs to know.In my heart, I just think he is a busy teenager. Work, school, girlfriend, friends, etc... I think he isn't thinking about me worrying that I haven't heard from him, that's just a teenager. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I never expected this to be an easy, quick process. I know we have to "build" the relationship, but it's like a hit a brick wall. I was so "high" when I heard from him, and now every day that I don't hear from him brings me "lower" and "lower". It is truly a roller coaster. However, I thank God every day that I now do know where he is, I do have a recent picture, and he knows that I love him and he is in my heart always. I know a lot of you don't even have that. I am greatful, please don't think I am not.I just worry now that it was something I said or something I asked that caused him to back away. I did ask about his parents, and have sinced learned through my research that they got a divorce in 2004 or 2005. Maybe that is the reason for the "trouble" he experienced in 2005. I also found that he had been invited to attend LeadAmerica's Congressional Student Leadership Conference in Washington, DC in 2004. So obviously something went wrong between July 2004 and November 2005.If anybody has any advice for me especially regarding should I now contact his parents, PLEASE put it out there for me. I need all the help, support, guidance that I can get.THANKS for reading.
What are your feelings on how to contact them? letter , phone or in person?I didn't have to deal with this end of it, as my daughter and her mother together searched for me.I suppose, thinking back, I would have sent a letter first, to her parents. I wouldn't want them to think I was sneaking behind their backs.The letter could explain all you posted and your desire to meet and talk with them.dmca
You are certainly not obligated to contact the aparents, but if done well, it could go a long way to easing any fears or qualms they have, which could benefit all of you. Even if they aren't part of the reunion process from your end, they are for his end, in that how they feel affected by what happens between you and your bson will greatly impact his relationship with them and that's a big part of his life. Especially since your first contact was directly to him while he's still living at home, they could be feeling a little blindsided and might have some concerns. I'm not saying it was wrong for you to do so- it was your right and his right as well, only that since they didn't have any advance warning or time to prepare themselves before it happened, they might be having to go through that emotional process after the fact. That doesn't necessarily mean that they would be resistant, but many aparents have to work through some difficult feelings about sharing their child and being open to the bparents in their child's life. In open adoptions, that can happen very young, so it's not so much an issue later on. But when there hasn't been regular contact, then it might have to get worked through at or after reunion, unless they have had the foresight to prepare inwardly ahead of time so they are emotionally "ready to go" when reunion comes. I know that I'm not a bmom so my perspective is from the amom side because that's the experience I know. But I do hope that the perspective from there can be helpful to you in navigating through this. So many of the bmoms and adoptees here can help you with theirs as well. I only offer you mine in hopes it is helpful to you when considered along with the others. If you can take the lead in reaching out to them in reconciliation and openness in hopes of creating unity and harmony for you all, it could be a wonderful thing. It's not your responsiblity or your obligation, but it could be your freely given gesture of goodwill. You can't control their response, and if it's negative at least you know you tried and you would be "on record" as being open and willing. Congratulations on your positive contact with your son and God bless you as you go forward from here. And thanks for the update! I know there are many here smiling for you for such an easy and positive first contact. :grouphug:
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