Adopted sister does not want contact

Astonmartin, Facebook allows you to send messages but unless you are friends - they go into the deep dark hole called "Other". You don't get notified that you have a message unlike your normal messages. It just sits there, and waits until you stumble upon it, if you ever do. I had no clue about the "Other" for several years...surprise I had mail... Having said that: I don't see anything wrong with you, or your mom, sending a message. If, when, she sees the message then it is up to her if she wants a relationship, or not. I would hope that she would at least have the courtesy to respond one way, or the other. In your twenties is kind of a tricky age as far as adoption - some are more than ready at that age to reach out, and others aren't there yet. If her facebook page is open enough to see what she is like - you may be able to get a feeling about her. If you can't wait- you could send a friend request - but - I would ask your mom, and have that come from your mom. It may not have even dawned on her that she has siblings. Feel free to ask questions - others will be along and have advice to offer that may be the same as mine, or completely different. Listen to all of it. Kind regards, Dickons

Ok thank you

I agree that she may not have even seen the message first off. You can always pay the $1 to have it go to her main inbox.And secondly, don't assume that a lack of an immediate response means that she isn't interested in contact. She's probably caught of guard. If she wasn't searching yet, she may not have been prepared for contact. It's not a simple thing. For adoptees, it's complex with many layers to dig through. It can bring up feelings of being abandoned, anger, loss, fear of another rejection, fear of the unknown. And it's possible that her life is just busy right now and she isn't ready to open that can of worms. Again, that wouldn't mean never, just not now.It's hard when you are the one searching to understand why the other person isn't just ready to be found. But it can be traumatic for them as well. An adoptee may be worried about her adoptive family and how they'll react. They may be afraid of losing the family they know for a family they don't know. If you read some of the search and reunion threads, you'll see a lot of different reactions. You'll even see some adoptees who were contacted when they really weren't ready and reading those can give you insight into what your sister might be dealing with.Good luck. And keep us posted.

Ok I will. The only thing is I'm nervous my messages might of hurt things more. I pointed out to her that I have no clue what she's feeling and I have no clue what I'm talking about. Like it's weird for me though because I've known about her my whole life even though she didn't know I existed. So a chance to say something after all these years was so good and I got impatient. Idk this whole situation is so out of the norm I'm not sure how to react and talking to her is all I've been thinking about now.

I agree that she may not have seen the message, but there is also another possibility. You should consider that perhaps this woman had no idea she was adopted, and if so, by contacting her & telling her this it just tore her world apart. If you are adopted, or if you have a child/sibling that was adopted, where I live you can go to the courthouse & register so that if your birth family/adopted child/adopted sibling is also looking for contact you can find each other. In my opinion this is the best thing to do, because if someone doesn't know they are adopted it could be devastating to tell them this. In my case, years ago, long after my mother had passed away, my sister was contacted my someone claiming to be our half-sister. We were stunned by this claim. We later learned that my mother had 2 children we never knew about that she gave up for adoption, and this woman was one of them. To say that this revelation was devastating to us would be putting it mildly. It turns out that these were closed adoptions, but my adopted half-sister had contacted some group online, and they had gone digging into information they had no business having access to to tell her who her birth family was, and that is how she found us. She had always know she was adopted, so she had her whole life to learn to deal with this, but this was thrown at us out of the blue. We told her we needed a bit of time to come to terms with this, but she didn't care & tried to force her way into our lives, only caring about what she wanted. She would call us, yelling at us because we didn't immediately welcome her with open arms. She went on rants about how unfair it was that we got to be raised my our birth mother & she didn't. We asked her if her adopted parents loved her & took good care of her & she said they did. We then tried to tell her about how hard our life was, and how bad we had it and we were abused by our stepfather, and she was probably much better off than we were, but she didn't want to hear it. Honestly, the woman is unstable, and I have had no choice but to avoid her. My point is, when you go into something like this blind, you may be opening a can of worms, and you never know what the repercussions may be.

StunnedSibling, Of course it is shocking to find out secrets your mother kept from you, and I'm sorry that she did, and that you found out the way you did. I would be careful about painting all adoptees with the same broad brush. Closed adoptions do not mean the adoptees information is never disclosed. Each state has different laws, some states never kept the information from the adoptee once they reached the age of majority. The name of the mother was also sometimes, often, on the adoption petition that the adoptive parents had. Courts also unseal records at times. There is no guarantee of privacy for the mother, never was in any law that I have read, privacy for the adoptive parents was the only objective which first started out as sealing from the public but not the adoptive family, then some states retroactively sealed the records from the adoptive family as well. I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but please do not assume that all the millions (yes millions) of adoptees out there are like your sibling. Kind regards, Dickons

That is not what I was saying at all, I am just pointing out that not all reunions are necessarily happy ones, and that there is a lot that should be considered.In my case, my mother's name was not on the adoption petition, and all records were supposed to be sealed according to the laws of our state.

That is not what I was saying at all, I am just pointing out that not all reunions are necessarily happy ones, and that there is a lot that should be considered. In my case, my mother's name was not on the adoption petition, and all records were supposed to be sealed according to the laws of our state.

I do think that most adoptees are well aware of the various scenarios, and most of us proceed with caution. And, no, not all reunions are happy. But, those of us who are searching are not necessarily looking to be welcomed to Thanksgiving dinners. I think everyone should proceed with caution, and everyone should be aware that our families may not be receptive to us, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't search. Sealed adoption files were meant to protect adoptive families. The records are open until the child has officially been adopted. Then, the records are sealed in most states. But, that was because the powers that be felt adoptees should be protected from knowing about their adoptive statuses. Our biological parents were rarely (if ever) given a promise of anonymity from the state. Of course, many adoptees will search. We have questions that only our biological families can answer. But, we should all realize that there are no guarantees at the end of our search. No guarantees of having relationships with family members. I'm sorry that your mother hid this from you. I'm sorry that your sibling didn't have more tact when dealing with you.

StunnedSibling, You wouldn't know if your mothers name was on the adoption petition or not - it's part of the court record that your mother would not have had any role in. My mother's first name, middle initial, surname was on the adoption petition my mom and dad submitted to the courts, some adoptive parents kept a copy of the petition, mine didn't but I always knew my last name - they remembered that for all us kids. The law at that time of my adoption, sealed all records from the public, that law was later revised a couple years later to exclude the adoptive family as well, retroactively. A judge unsealed my records after a petition for good cause - I now have the entire court file; surrender, petition by mom and dad, social history of my mother and father, and my original birth certificate - in a state that has sealed records. Laws are not written in stone and are revised many times. I'm assuming the adoption you talk about happened around the 1960's. Mothers relinquished to the adoption agency, lawyer, or the state. They (the mothers) would never have known if an adoption even happened. My mother was told there was a home for me - there wasn't, eventually because the SW worker sought out my parents - I finally had a home. If she hadn't gone above and beyond, I would have been raised in foster care, and in that case, my original birth certificate would not have been sealed and I would have retained my surname of birth and known my mother's name. My mother would never have been told that - once she signed those papers, that was it, she did not have the right to know what happened to me. That is what the reality back then was. Since I have been a member of this site, I have never heard anyone talk about how wonderful searching and reunion always is. It is always tempered by words of - your mother (or your child) may not wish to know you - always. The adoptees who come here are looking for advice, and how to do it in the most discrete manner possible to protect their mother, not harm her. I went and looked up my most recent response to an adoptee. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/34506372-post4.html[/url] Kind regards, Dickons

I have to point out the fallacy with this statement. You say she had no business knowing this information. That's just wrong. It's her ancestry. It's her medical history. Legally, her parents may have been changed but her biology wasn't. There was no guarantee of privacy ever given to birth parents when they placed their children. And while many from years ago may feel it's best to leave things hidden, that's not what usually is best for the person who was adopted. I'm sorry your mom never told you about your 1/2 sister. But your anger would be better directed at your mother for lying to you your entire life than at someone who did have EVERY right to know who they are, where they came from and what their medical history is. No they don't have a right to demand a relationship - but they have a right to know their ancestry. It's important to so many people, that's why ancestry.com exists. People want to know where they came from. Why do we think that because someone was adopted they shouldn't know that or shouldn't want to know? I'm sorry that the reunion didn't go as she had probably hoped. I'm sorry you were blindsided. But it was your mother's lies of ommission that allowed this to happen. Adoptions are only closed by the parents in the situation. The children have no say. Once they are adults, they are free to have or try to have whatever relationships they want to have. They aren't bound by any agreement made between others that honestly didn't include them.