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How well do you communicate with your childs birthfamily/adoptive family? Is a certian type of communication easier for you (ie...letters, e-mail, IM, Phone, in person etc)?
I ask because I've always found talking to my childrens birthmothers difficult. (I've only been in direct contact with 2 of my 4 kids birthmothers). My daughters birthmother is particularly hard for me in more of an emotional way. My sons is somewhat hard but not really in an emotional way just in a "this person lives a completely different lifestyle than me" kind of way.
I often feel at a loss for words with my daughters birthmother in person. I think the majority of our communication is through body language, smiles not only happy smiles...I'm talking the kind where your trying your hardest to smile but in doing so your fighting back all the emotions inside of you that just want to cry or scream. Or through hugs of compassion, sorrow, love and gratitude etc. But most especially throught her eyes. You know the line "you wear your heart on your sleeve" well, she wears her feelings in her eyes. All you have to do is look in them and it tells you everything she is feeling.
I've found the best way we have ever been able to actually communicate is through IM (with or without a webcam). Because when we get together all those emotions just swell to the surface and we are both left without words, just feelings.
How do you find you communicate best? Do you find the unspoken words to be the most connecting and telling?
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Well, for me, I do letters/e-mail with both my girls families. I also have a blog just for them and family that I write in that they can go read and look at if they want. Oh and we also do home movies and gifts occasionally throughout the year, but letters/e-mail is mainly how we communicate. Of course both my adoptions aren't fully open either, but they're in between semi-open and fully open for the time being. I am really close and get along great with both my girls families. We keep in pretty close and regular contact through letters/e-mail. They're like extended family and really close, best friends to me and I am to them also. My relationships are different with each of my girls families, but they're both good. I just am a little closer and more open with one of the families than the other in some ways, but then I'm closer and more open with the other family in other ways so it's just different with both of them, but they're both good. Anne :D
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I thought I would offer a laugh on this one. How well do we communicate? Let's see.. our lawyers communicate at the rate of about, say, $100 and hour (not sure if that is accurate) - so in the past THEY have done quite a bit of communicating "for" us and considering the amount of money we have paid so far I would say we have communicated very well. lol
[FONT=Century Gothic]When I get on the phone with L we can talk easily for over a half hour. We have no problem when we get together for a visit because L fills me in on all the little things that J has done and we catch up on ourselves. Letters are short just a few sentences but .....[/FONT]
Phone conversations with my girls' birthmom tend to be pretty awkward because C is pretty soft-spoken and shy. Our two face-to-face visits were a little weird, but not as uncomfortable as I would have thought. I do best communicating in writing...the letters I send with pictures, emails, etc. C isn't much of a writer, so we get maybe two or three emails a year and we've only ever received one hand-written letter to each of the girls (on their first birthday).
The communication tends to be more one-sided in our situation, something I sometimes struggle with. I keep reminding myself she's in a vastly different place in her life than she was five years ago when she gave birth.
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I have unlimited long distance through VoIP phone service - so we do a lot of calling - but we email too...I get about three emails a day that say nothing more than "Call me!"I've already talked to her twice this morning - They're in the middle of a move and buying a house...so we're not talking as much as we used to.Its not uncommon for us to talk an hour or so at a time about at least once a day - maybe more. We too are very different - but I dont have a problem being friends with people who are different from me.
I personally love phone calls. I am in contact w/ B (bmom), B's mom and sister. We do not talk as much as we use too, but when we do it's for more than an hour. We have a great relationship and I love how well we all love each other and get along so well. I am often amazed ....and forever greatful!!!I have to share something with you ladies (open adoption families). WE recently had a thread on this forum where I spoke about those dreaded pms days....well, I am on one of those hormonal days and I can say that I have grown. I'm not as sensitive as I use to be.... example:Just yesterday I was speaking to B and one of her friends in the background said to her, " Who are you talking to" and B said....."(my firstname)". The person in the background said, "WHO?" and B said, "My sons Mother?"...... Wow, I felt my heart skip a beat... not out of disappointment, because I was not my sons only mom. The skip was out of pure joy, I AM HER SON's MOTHER.....my son has two moms and that is so wonderful!!! :)
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For me it is definately letters or e-mail. It is very hard for a (almost) 36 year-old to relate or have a conversations with a (just) 16 year old. Especially since our lives are polar opposites. Same goes for trying to talk to b-gma and she is a month younger than I am. But just the same, our lives are totally opposite. With Bug's aunt, I will talk to her on the phone for awhile as well as letters. Not that we are very much alike, but I think it has to do with the fact that she is the one who turned her sister in to the state and had the children removed. She is happy to see that Bug is in a good home. Not only that, but we have honored our word about contact where the family that adopted Bug's sister have cut off all contact. I also think that relationships can be different if the open agreement involves a former foster child as opposed to a private adoption.
mom2GRLC
How well do you communicate with your childs birthfamily/adoptive family? Is a certian type of communication easier for you (ie...letters, e-mail, IM, Phone, in person etc)? I ask because I've always found talking to my childrens birthmothers difficult. (I've only been in direct contact with 2 of my 4 kids birthmothers). My daughters birthmother is particularly hard for me in more of an emotional way. My sons is somewhat hard but not really in an emotional way just in a "this person lives a completely different lifestyle than me" kind of way. I often feel at a loss for words with my daughters birthmother in person. I think the majority of our communication is through body language, smiles not only happy smiles...I'm talking the kind where your trying your hardest to smile but in doing so your fighting back all the emotions inside of you that just want to cry or scream. Or through hugs of compassion, sorrow, love and gratitude etc. But most especially throught her eyes. You know the line "you wear your heart on your sleeve" well, she wears her feelings in her eyes. All you have to do is look in them and it tells you everything she is feeling. I've found the best way we have ever been able to actually communicate is through IM (with or without a webcam). Because when we get together all those emotions just swell to the surface and we are both left without words, just feelings. How do you find you communicate best? Do you find the unspoken words to be the most connecting and telling?
blessedbybug
I am sitting here trying to figure out how to answer this. I guess you struck a nerve because I am completely drained from trying to keep communication open with the first families of my kids. THere's nothing best about it. I write letters because it is the only way. And it is one way communication for the most part. It is hard and painful for me as I would like nothing more than to have a more open relationship with both of them. But they have chosen to live in such a way that I can't/don't have consistent communication, something I deeply desire for my kids, for us, and I had hoped, for them. Sorry, guess I'm having a bad day where this subject is concerned. I'm sitting here with gifts I bought for birthdays for them this summer but had no place to send them. Now, I'm trying to write updates, get pics developed and send them all in hopes that maybe, just maybe they'll respond. I hope. I am so thankful to hear of all the wonderful relationships that are out there, I really am. It truly does give me hope. My heart just breaks sometimes that the relnships with my kiddos' first families aren't all that they could be. But they are what they are and I guess I have to learn to accept that. Sorry this became all about me... just one of those days I guess...
blessedbybug
THere's nothing best about it. I write letters because it is the only way. And it is one way communication for the most part. It is hard and painful for me as I would like nothing more than to have a more open relationship with both of them. But they have chosen to live in such a way that I can't/don't have consistent communication, something I deeply desire for my kids, for us, and I had hoped, for them. Sorry, guess I'm having a bad day where this subject is concerned. I'm sitting here with gifts I bought for birthdays for them this summer but had no place to send them. Now, I'm trying to write updates, get pics developed and send them all in hopes that maybe, just maybe they'll respond. I hope. I am so thankful to hear of all the wonderful relationships that are out there, I really am. It truly does give me hope. My heart just breaks sometimes that the relnships with my kiddos' first families aren't all that they could be. But they are what they are and I guess I have to learn to accept that. Sorry this became all about me... just one of those days I guess...
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