I can't take this pain

I really am becoming worried for my self. I feel like I am losing him all over.I thought and asked for a semi open adoption. His parents were supposed to have agreed to that .Now I feel like I have been snowd and I have lost him for good

I don't know that you are losing him... it could be that it's just not the right time. (I know that's hard.) He does know how/where to contact you now. That's a positive thing. Try to hang in there!

I waited for this day,I am blindsided how it all worked out,we are not talking about a bad car deal here ,I was promised everyone was on the same page. I gave them my BABY>>Only to show up 21 years later and be quickly shown the door

I hear your pain. When my son was that age, I didn't have a clue where he was. His parents had every right to expect that I would never be in the picture. Our babies rarely turn out the way we plan. I have two other children whom I raised. They don't confirm my expectations either! Again, do not give up hope. Many others will tell you that at 21 our kids often aren't ready to search for and find us. They're not ready to deal with another relationship in thier lives as they figure out how to be adults. Others of course can't wait.

I have no words of wisdom for you, only a broken heart that aches as I read your post. I pray that your son soon finds it in his heart to make room for you, and learns that there is a place for both his mothers in his life. I agree with Kathy, in that 21 is a very difficult time for some young men to take on another relationship. Hang in there, it may not be as soon as you'd like, but he knows your out there and that you long to know him. He may come around in his own time.

Mom of 2-I read this and feel really sad for you and your son and the whole situation as well. I am an adoptee in my 20's and I can also say that at the age of 21 I was just trying to find my way and get through school so I could travel the world. I was thinking yesterday how when I was younger, time didn't really matter to me. I wish now that I had indeed had the courage to break free of my aparents control over me at a younger age, but I didn't. When I found my mom, I found out that she had contacted the agency and had been looking for me my whole life. I beat myself up for not going after the relationship that I wanted more than anything, sooner. But, I just realize that when I was only a few years younger than I am now, I thought 'my whole life is ahead of me so what's the rush'. That's just how we think when we're in our 20's. He knows that you are open to a relationship. He'll come around. Hang in there.

Mom of 2,As an adoptee I can't help to think how selfish you are being. This doesn't sound like you are being the bigger person. I am sorry if this hurts you and I am sorry you are going through this pain but you have to understand that some people just don't want to be found. They don't even consider themselves lost. It isn't even a matter of being the bigger person, its a matter of disrupting a happy family. Many adoptees are very happy with their lives without knowing who their b-parents are. I know I was. I found my bmom quite by accident. She had a website that I just happened apon. My husband (boyfriend then) sent her an email to see if she was really my bmom and, long story short, she was. I have, in the past, taken great offence to her telling me about HER family and talking about them like they are MY family. I have a family that doesn't include her, one I am very close to. I never felt like the 'adopted child' or like I didn't belong, like I see some of the adoptees on these boards write about. She was patient tho and let me contact her on my own. She has never 'pushed' with me. Only gave me her number and told me to call when I want to. She made one mention of meeting face to face if I want to but never pushed the subject, which I am happy about although I know if I am ever in her part of the country I will be welcomed in her home. There is something comforting in that. I have come to terms with the idea that she is in my life but because we are from two different worlds we just don't have alot in common to connect on. You seem to be blaming his parents for his reaction - or lack thereof. This is unfair. While anything is possible, it has been my experience, both personaly and through friends that a-parents tend to be, at least outwardly, supportive of 'reunion'. My mother even went so far as to say that "we certainatley have room in our family for her if you have room in your heart." I wasn't convinced but everyone left it up to me. I also don't think you can blame this on his loyalty to his parents. While it may have something to do with it, it probably isn't the only factor. If he doesn't want to see you, you cant blame them or him. Blame yourself for showing up 21 years later and expecting miracles. I am sorry to be harsh but I have a real problem with birth parents thinking that they have the right to bust into a persons life and expect everything to be ok. Even with a semi-open adoption. After 21 years you just can't expect to be welcomed with open arms. I don't think its at all fair that birth parents are even allowed to search. The way I look at it, you signed the papers. If you wanted to stay in his life, you should have done something sooner. Maybe he will eventually want to contact you. If he doesn't, so be it. You tried, now move on with your life. He has his own life to live and if you interfear you'll just push him further away. Also, you say that a semi-open adoption was agreed apon. Did you have contact with them all this time? If not, why? Was it you or them? If it was them then you might have something, call a lawer. If it was you then you really have no room to complain. They probably expected you to at least send a card or two within the 21 years. Does semi-open mean that you can dissapear when you feel like it a then reapear again? Whats the quarantee you'll stick around this time? Maybe you'll dissapear for another 21 years just to reapear and claim some grandchildren in the process. This would be going through my mind, and may be going through his. It doesn't matter what excuse you have. It may be that you couldn't get in contact with him for any number of legitamate and heart breaking reasons, but it doesn't matter. Contrary to what you may think, it's his life not yours. Its his because you are the one who gave him up which means you have no right to claim him now. Once again, this may be harsh but all I am trying to do is show you the adoptee's side. I could be way off base, but this is what I went through and what friends of mine went through, although, to be fair, I did have a friend who the happiest day of her life was meeting her birth family. I also have a friend (sister-in-law actually) who was ok with meeting her birth mother but she quickly became (the b-mom) very possessive and tried to take the place of her "real mom" and even went as far as bad mouthing her dad. Nothing doing for my SIN, she has since cut off all contact with her b-mother. I hope everything works out for you and your b-son. I hope he contacts you if he wants to or needs to and you will still be there for him even if its years from now. I hope you can find a way to move forward while you wait and not let this eat you up. I also hope you can find a way to move on even if he chooses never to contact you and I hope you have the stregth to stay away if that is what he wants. I know you don't want to hear this. I am sure this wasn't the reply you wanted but you need to see this from all sides b4 you judge. My last comment, suggestion actually, is to make sure that he knows where to contact you if he needs to. I assume he has your address and phone number. An email address is good too because if he is like me it would be the easiest way to initiate contact. Not too personal but still gets the job done. Also, if you move I don't see a problem sending him a moving card. Nothin pushy, just a card that says I've moved to...my new number is...my email is still...and thats it. This way he will always know where to contact you, that is, if you still want him to at that point. Thats what I'd do anyway. Good luck.

Well that was a really brutal and heartless way you chose to offer your .02. You couldn't have expressed yourself with a bit more sensitivity? Like it or not, all 3 sides in an adoption relationship have feelings. While your feelings and opinions are valid, your utter disrespect was uncalled for. The woman came here for support. Not to be lambasted by other posters.

I really pray they will come to see what a blessing it will be to have you in your son's life... you are one more person to love him and care for him and you are the first mom, making you even more special. That is what life is all about. At some point I am sure he will gather the courage to connect with you. Until then, stay strong... everyone here is pulling for you.

i know it's hard to want more from him, but for right now he is still trying to process everything that has happened. i am a birth mom and i am also adopted so i have an idea of how he feels. when my birth mom found me, i felt very torn. i was courious about her but protective of my adoptive family and didnt want them hurt. and they had a hard time sharing. i felt like i was in the middle. now as i am older i have sorted all of this out, but it took several years. its hard to hear this, but right now this is about him. its hard to pull yourself out of it, but try to hang on, and work on yourself right now. if it is right, everyone will come around. you are blessed knowing he is ok, and he knows you love him, so please be patient. im here if you want to talk.

Oh I am so sorry I have heard boys don't search as much as girls do. I also worry for this also as a birthmom with my son .I would just write another letter giveing him your history and backround your medicail history and shuch Just stating you felt he had the right to know.That you did not want to be an intruder .Then the balls in his court. I am wondering if his Mom ever told him you contacted him. or she just intercepted the letter. I would have a friend write your son from another address in there town to your son. I just really wonder if the Mom's getting his mail and destroying it. He needs his medical history.

I don't mean to discourage but my bson hasn't yet and it has been 9 years since I first made contact. He told me via email to never contact him again. I truly believe that the aparents poisoned him against me. Mom of 2, Trust me, I know your pain. It is real, my advice is don't rush him, be patient, maybe I tried to rush my bson too much???

Mom of 2 - here - we have your back. Come vent or whatever anytime you want. Those who did not wish to be just bmothers to our children live for them to reach the age of majority, and you would think because there is some of us in them, they would think like we do, but I guess that is not always the case. Keep positive thoughts, and hopefully, just knowing you are there waiting for him, will help lead him to wanting more with you. We'll wait with you.

Mom of 2 - I can relate. I'm just days from meeting my bson for the first time (hopefully he won't change his mind) and it seemed like forever to get to this day. It may take some time but he's young still. As he gets older he'll make up his own mind and other influences, getting married, having children may make him think again about no contact. I only just realized, and I'm 44, how much of a pain I was as a teenager and called my mom to apologize. What made me finally realize? Having 2 teenage daughters of my own! All the best, and as josh's mom said, we're all here waiting with you. Take care.

You didnt mention how you got back in his life. My brothers Bmom( we are both adopetd) intruded into his life when he was 23. She hired a private investagator that knew WAY too much about our family and it made everyone freak out. Also he was just about to get married and had a new very lucrative job. Even though I love being adopted it, he hated it. He wanted nothing to do with her but she continued to push. Whatever happened between you and his parents is not his concern. Back off but let him know you are still interested by sending an occasional, non threathen card. Good luck