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Hello to all,Although I have read posts here for a long time, I just gathered my advice from the shadows and never took a leap out there to share with you all. Fears can hold us back in so many ways. Now I would like to share my story (in bit's 'n pieces cause it's a doozy!) and perhaps ask for a small bit of assistance from you wise, wonderful people.On March, 29, 2006 I was reunited with my two children who were adopted 22 years ago. I had been searching for almost five years and had almost given up hope I would ever see them again, so I took a shot in the dark and made a call to the Montel Williams Show. At this point I just wanted to try to get the message to my children that I have always loved them and will forever. I did not want them going through life thinking they were unwanted because that was NEVER the case. The show was able to locate them and they agreed to fly out to New York to meet "whoever from their birth family" that was looking for them. They didn't know it was me until after arriving in NY the day before the show. I wasn't told they had located them until after I arrived two days before the show. Not alot of time for any of us to assimilate the info I can assure you. Some of you may have seen the show which aired on July 24 entitled "Mother's Reunite with Their Adopted Children". The emotions were very raw. I have never been in such pure shock in my life. My babies are absolutely beautiful grown-ups!Although my son, 23 now, who was the more diplomatic of the two on the show, it is my daughter, 25 just last week, with whom I have had the most post-reunion contact with. She is mother to my 5 year old grandson, and is due with her second child around the first of December. She has asked me to come and be with her when she gives birth. I am ECSTATIC! But I am SCARED also and this is what I need help with now. The a-mom has lied to my children for all of these years: about me, about their father, about who they are (they always thought that they were not full-blood bro & sis and the a-parents KNEW they were, but let them wonder anyhow), she even lied about the circumstances surrounding their surrender. Okay, so she lied to me also when she sat in my apartment that day and took the letters I had written my kids, promising that they would receive them on their 18th birthdays. They were each inside a bible for crying out loud! Of course my children never got them and had no knowledge of them. Children learn what they are taught.How am I supposed to react to this woman if she shows up at the hospital for the birth? I trusted her with the most precious parts of my life and I know that now she views me as a threat. All I want to have is compassion in my heart for this woman, but I am finding it very difficult. My daughter told me that she asked her amom first about coming to be with her, but that she couldn't make it. Now that she has asked me, I have a field of butterflies in my stomach and really need some advice on how to handle everything. This is like a magical dream and I'm afraid to wake up.Thanks for listening.
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I would be very careful here.. The dynamics are very very difficult (for lack of a better word)
The daughter that is having the baby should be considered.. and what goes down with the amom should be second IMO.
If you get in the middle of the two women you may end up hurt.. take care of you.. is my advice..
And if you are uncomfortable with any of it.. back off..
I did not see the show.. I wish I had of..
I like Montel..
Welcome to the forums.. glad you are here..
I do not have time to write more.. will later..
Jackie
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ohhhhh i can hardly wait till daughter has babies...... i would be there in a shot!i would not worry about what adoptive mom thinks.......this is your time to shine as daughter WANTS you there by her side.....GO........enjoy your beautiful grandbaby be born.....what a blessing:wings: :cheer: :grouphug:
Related but not the same:When I gave birth to our Son last year, my Mother-in-Law and Step-Mother-in-Law were in the same room, multiple times. Once, MIL was waiting in the waiting room because I had gotten to the pushing part and SMIL stopped in (worked in the hospital) and politely asked what was going on. MIL responded. Politely.These two women hate each other. With every ounce of their being. Hate. And they were civil. For me.It would be my advice to be the bigger person in this situation and be cordial and polite. You don't have to hug her or offer to get her coffee. But for the sake of your daughter, who will be going through the ever-so-fun time of childbirth, respect and polite tones are probably necessary for this event.Congrats on your reunion. :)
See, I don't get this. I'm an adoptee and an adoptive parent and I cannot for the life of me figure out why people do this kind of thing. Why lie to those kids? An aparent should NEVER lie to their kids. It causes relationships to be built on the wrong things. And sooner or later it will come back to them in unpleasant ways. But more than that, it messes people up. It's messing you up and those kids (now adults).
OK, I'm done ranting.
I have never been in your situation, but I second the opinion about taking care of you. This looks like a slippery slope. Best of luck and I hope it all works out.
As much as it hurts you that the aparents omitted to tell the truth, I think your best bet would be to leave it be. Can you forgive her? Did she take good care of your children and provide them with a loving family? This, after all, is the main thing.
Chances are you will run into the adoptive mother. As in all adoption related circumstances, you should treat her respectfully and compassionately. She is an important person in your daughters life and unless you want to alienate yourself, it would be wise to forgive and forget what she didn't do, and concentrate on the loving things she did very well while you were unable to parent.
It's also a very good example to set for your reunited children. Not to hold a grudge, or blame someone for past deeds.
These are also early days of reunion when all the emotions are heightened and thoughts and feelings are swirling around you. Take a couple of deep breathes and wait. Wait until the relationships are firm and enduring before you start questioning the adoptive parents actions.
I wish you peace and understanding, and a whole lot of happy days ahead.
Regards - Ann
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Thank you all for validating things I know in my heart. My daughter Jenna wants me there with her and it is the place I long to be! I don't want to mess anything up, not for her, for my new grandchild, for my son (who lives close by my daughter and I may have a chance to talk with then), not for myself, and not even for Jenna's amom. I just have so much anger at the lies and the betrayal, and I'm not dealing with it as the nice person I really am. I would tell anyone else that they had to live with their own karma. All of the truth hasn't come out yet, so she still may have that coming. On the same hand I want to hug her (the amom) and thank her so much for caring for Jenna and raising such an amazing daughter. As more time passes since our reconnection, I know more issues will arise and I just want to be strong for each one of them. I have been strong for 22 years, but when it comes to any emotions regarding my babies....well....They can be overpowering.
Hmm... I guess I was blessed in that as far as I know, D's aparents never lied to him and shared the little they knew. I think deep breathes are in order here. It's wonderful that Montel found them for you, but somehow it heightens the natural emotions that surround reunion naturally. My advice is similar to the others: take it slowly and run don't walk to be present at the birth! Seriously, I am a year into my reunion and we're still working out the relationships. I recently spent 2 days at D's before the birth of their son when his wife was on bedrest. D's amom and I alternated days. (She and adad kept the older two while J was in the hospital.) One of the great joys I've had it is to hold my 2 day old grandson when he was (briefly) in NICU. You might try writing a letter to amom expressing your feelings about the way she lied to the kids. (You don't have to mail it,) Just the exercise of writing your thoughts and feelings may be helpful.
Good advice Kathy
Putting something down on paper and reading it, wondering how it would be received and then shelving it for a few days gives you perspective.
Shandora - We were posting at the same time on your last post, and when I read it now, I realise that you are a caring sensitive person who has high regard for your children's adoptive mother. It's OK to be scared of the unknown and this woman is just that. Your daughter appears to be happy having you present so doesn't see a problem with the two of you meeting. I'd suggest you take that as an indication of amom not seeing you as a threat to her role, rather an extension of her family.
Overpowering.......that's a good description. And don't expect it to level off for a while yet. For about 6 months I was an emotional rag-doll, happy one moment and fearful the next. I read everything I could get my hands on about adoption reunion, trawled through the forum for insight into adoptive families and adoptees, and did some hard yards on my attitude and insecurities. I'm over 4 years into my reunion with my birthson and we still stumble every now and again, but because I took it slowly, took measured steps and allowed him to take this new relationship at his pace, we have something that is meaninful and strong. I've never met his aparents but hope to do so in the future and I'd like to think we could be friends - after all his amom and I have something truly wonderful in common - we love and support the primary person in this reunion.
Again....slow...take baby steps......and be happy.
Ann :flower:
I so appreciate all of this wonderful advice and will be putting it into practice. I have written about twenty letters to the amom since the show, but they have all been for ME. I thought about sending a letter to my daughter and/or son for them to give to her, however, that doesn't seem right either. I KNOW she is threatened by me. See, the Montel show flew her up with J & G, however, when they realized the lies she had told (I found out in front of an audience and I sort of freaked) they chose not to bring her out on stage. Their show may have been entitled "Montel Springer" if that had happened. I was in no way prepared for that at that time. After the show, I was passing the green room where the amom was and she was yelling uncontrollably at the producers for not allowing her on the show. When we were leaving the studio she glared at me from across the room and I don't think I have EVER seen daggers that large from someones eyes. She hates the fact that I found my children. She never wanted reunion for us and I know that she is afraid, now. She lost her husband about three years ago and my daughter told me that she has just lost her mind and all rational thought most of the time. I have deep compassion for her situation and really only wish her the best. It isn't my fault if there were aleady problems between she and J and there have been for years. J told me that she was aways closer to her adad. I just want to ride a smooth road for alittle bit. I don't mind the bumps, but sometimes it's nice just to cruise. Every day brings a new chunk of highway.
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It sounds like she has to get over her expectations for the Montel Show and losing her 5 seconds of fame on national tv! I wonder what she had planned to say. Perhaps, if you can try to keep things low key... don't focus on waht a mom has done or not done, and just work at building your relationship with your children. I have a tendency to look for a positive spin on the actions, words, etc. of others; not because I'm naive (yes, I'm a pastor - that doesn't make me an innocent) but because it's better for me to look for the positive rather than the negative. Negative emotions pull me down! Forgiveness of the other brings me peace. I'm not sure there are any words of wisdom for you in all that. It's just what I find most productive for my life.
Things just keep progressing and my new grandbaby should be here within a month. Jenna and I have talked a few more times and she told her amom that I was coming out for the birth....well, amom hung up on J the first time, then called her a few days later and told her that she just expected a phone call when the baby came. I can't help but say WHEW! even though I think J would have liked to have both of us there. I won't be backing out of this for sure! The shocks just keep on coming, too. Since J & G's bfather and I have reconnected also life has turned upside down. We are getting back together after 23 years..... Life sure is funny sometimes.
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Shadora - thank you for your original post...I too wrote a letter to my bdaughter that she never received, she's almost 22 so I would think if they were going to give it to her they would have by now :(
Part of my story is that I've just recently been "reunited" with bdaughter (after I found her listed HERE 10 days ago), one of the "verification" questions I asked her about was things she should have received from aparents by now...she had the box, she had the picture but didn't even know the letter exsisted - until I told her.
Now I find out that her initialy supportive aparents have told her they are "upset and heartbroken" over her responding to my emails...so I felt the pain you were feeling when you first posted.
Secondly I want to say - good for your you, I'm so happy your bchildren are in your life and that you have made that connection with them! Every relationship takes time and from what I understand it's the boys who don't really keep the contact going - but hey that sounds like every man I've know, not just the adopted ones!LOL!!!
You have my best wishes and deepest appreciation - it was nice to hear that I wasn't the only one out here with these types of "issues"