How to explain to daughter she can't sing???

Mike really has hit the nail on the head w/ this one and why it is such a tough decision. She is RAD and it is truly a whole other ball game. She almost went into full blown rage mode earlier this week due to the whole making fun of her name deal that someone did. Progress...no rage. Yeah. However, this rejection may just set her over the edge and that would be too traumatic. The new news.... she can not try out. Requirements for try outs are you have to have at least a 'C' in all academic subjects and she does not. We've already told her that if she studies hard this year, she is more than welcomed to try out next year. Very disappointed but we made it through. She has now brought home a sheet for wanting to play violin. We may just do that. We'll see. For now, crisis avoided as she's not allowed to try out due to grades. And the grade issue is a whole other story w/ an IEP that is going to be changed on Monday. URghh. Thanks again for all the advice. Tough decisions we have as parents. Last night we had to decide whether or not to take are daughter to the ER for a psychotic reaction to meds. She is fine now but the things we go through as parents is very tough some days. Worth every cent the other days though. Trick is finding the balance and hoping you don't screw them up. There has been a very enlightening week at our home. I thank you all for the words of wisdom. We were supposed to go on a family camping trip tonight but due to severe rain tonight & tomorrow and a very severe reaction to meds, we are postponing it for another time. Tomorrow we plan to take them out for a movie instead. Enjoy your weekend.

how about the shame that "momma kept me from doing something I wanted to do because my friends were doing it but she wouldn't let me" ? One way or another she is going to be disappointed and Stephanie is going to have to deal with the RAD. With her out of the country next week, I think either senario is gonna be tough on Yana unles she can be distracted enough to get her mind off the tryouts, but with friends trying out and Steph in Russia I don't think that will be too easy either! Maybe you can say she can't do it cuz you won't be home??? Oh wait after I posted, that's great news about the C's!!! Now hopefully her mind is off the chior!!!

Maybe you could have them do more indivdual activities/sports so they dont have to worry about fitting in with everyone else. One possibility instead of cheerleding maybe is to find out if a gymnastics gym in your area would be willing to take your girls (I know, gymnastics can be pricey) Some gyms have special programs for special needs kids.

I'm trying not to have a visceral reaction to this statement. The child's shame is largely based on the notion that there was no mother there to take care of - protect - the child. A RAD child is far (!) more likely to react to not being taken care of (i.e., feeling safe) than to if the mother sets limits on the child's activity. The initial reaction may largely be the same, whether rejected by the choir or told "no" to participating in an activity. But the child quickly gets past the reaction of setting limits... but will NOT immediately get over the fact that, yet one more time, the mother has failed to come through and protect her. I'm not making this stuff up. I live it. And I'm not trying to start an argument. I admit to getting overly emotional when parents that I perceive as never having lived with a RAD child try and counsel me (and other RAD parents) on what is right and wrong. If you do have a RAD child, I apologize for my reaction. But I do believe, in this instance, that most RAD parents would avoid the initial circumstances described by Stephanie above. The good news is that the situation has been solved for now. Respectfully, Mike

Stephanie and Mike - I do see your point, and it does make total sense. I did not think of it like that at all when I read the original post. I do want to point out that saying "no" to trying out and telling Yana that she can not sing are 2 very different things. That is all, I meant by my post. Stephanie - on to new challenges - huh! You are so right on, when you say we have to make pretty tough decisions as parents. I have had to make quite a few just this past week. I am the youngest of six and one of my older sisters(although not adopted) has cerebral palsy and spina bifida. She is border line mentally retarded. She did not fit in "special olympics" or with the so called "regular" kids. She was somewhere in between. As an adult, she still needs protection from her family - protection from teasing and ridicule. She has a severe attatchment disorder. So yes, I totally get it!

May I jump in here? I'm a birth mom, but I'm also a certified music teacher. (I taught music in elemetary schools for many years before entering seminary.) I still occasionally teach a student or two. First, a personal story. I started singing in church choir in 3rd grade. My mother said I couldn't "carry a tune" until 4th grade. As several posters said earlier, we learn to sing by singing. Taking singing lessons could be one way to help her in many ways. Did you know that music helps children learn? Singing math tables is one way to learn them! The only reason she might not be able to learn to sing (other than a physical problem with her vocal chords - not likely) is if she is literally "tone deaf" (Meaning she can't hear the difference between high and low sounds) and if she is tone deaf, she won't be able to play violin very well easily. By the way - it's never too late to learn to sing!

I am NOT trying to start an argument I am simply asking a question and trying to understand what the difference would have been. YOU stated she had "shame etc." I was simply asking how mamma not leting me try out was ALSO not included in that ETC! No I do NOT have a RAD child and THAT is why I asked what is the difference! Legitimately I state for one reason or another (not making it or not being able to try out) IS going to cause disappointment. As Stephanie mentioned before she was leaving country soon and that was going to add to the difficulty in the situation, I just reitterated something she had posted earlier.I seriously am SICK AND TIRED of posing legitimate questions on this board and getting HAMMERED by people for asking them! You all claim that these boards are a place to find information from experienced people out here but if people are afraid to ask their questions because they are afraid of being berated by the "EXPERIENCED" then what use is this board????????? If people who have NO EXPERIENCE with these situations aren't allowed to ask a question or post a response about something then maybe they need to repost the rules here or the toipc should say something like "for RAD parents only" or "non-Russian adoptive parents not welcomed".Where am I coming from and why do I ask the questions that I ask??? Since the only person in my life I know who adopted a child is a close friend, I thought I'd turn to boards like these to get insight into countries and organizations instead of a one sided and one country opinion from a friend who absolutely had and has no issues (attachment or otherwise) with her adopted child! However, I find sometimes that this vast amount of posting on this board sometimes seems as narrow-minded as if I picked just my friend's brain for info. I continually forget that the only way to post questions on this board about an adoptive child is wait until you get home with said child and have a problem with said child before you ask how to solve it so you can speak from experience! Well, SORRY but I want to know BEFORE I get into a situation (yes I know I can't know EVERYTHING before hand) however if I sit here and do not ask the questions that are pouring through my head now, I have no one to blame but myself if I got into that situation. People need to stop stomping on others when they ask questions about situations. WE ARE HERE TO LEARN!!! I know you "aren't making this stuff up, you live with it" THAT IS WHY I ASKED!

I clearly misinterpreted your previous comment then. I took it as dismissing my initial remark rather than posing a question. And for that, I apologize. Mike

Hi Pequele..... I really don't believe that ANYONE is stomping on you for asking questions.... Sometimes it MAY be the way it is "Asked or Stated" that will get this type of response. We all have different situations at home, and not all parents post. The ones that try and help by posting, sometimes (me included) respond factually, and can misunderstand the written words, intention, inflection, etc. Communicating on the board is sometimes hard, as the person is not infront of you, you cannot hear the tone, visual, or anything else that helps us communicate the none spoken.

Please don't get soooo offended. We are TRYING to help anyone that decides to read any given post. I too do not have a RAD son or daughter, but my sister does, and I am still learning all the time. I sometimes don't say or conve things in the right way, but we can always learn.

EVERYONE IS ALWAYS WELCOME HERE.....

Blessings..................... :wings:

Excuse me, but I am not the one here that needs a lesson on posting etiquite! First off I said NOTHING of coddling on this thread! Read my threads again and do not put words in my mouth! My first post stated I'm sick of the "everyone wins attitude" and THEN I made a suggestion that may have been construed by some as help for Stephanie....help her with the word pronunciation since she said this was a problem for Yana! Sorry for the horrendously evil post! In my second post, it was NOT a comment on the shame that would be caused by the momma it was a QUESTION as to WHY momma doesn't let me tryout isn't any different than the shame mike mentioned in the post I quoted from him. THE EXACT QUOTE IS how about the shame that "momma kept me from doing something I wanted to do because my friends were doing it but she wouldn't let me" ? It was a type of shame Mike did not address in his post and I was curious as to what about this type of shame??? I THOUGHT IT WAS A SIMPLE QUESTION. I took offense at his response to my post when he proceeded to use bodily functions as a response to my post...I am SORRY if it offends you that I took offense to this but I believe at that point in time when someone responded to my posting with a bodily fucntion I am in every right to object vehimently (sp?) as I see fit! Do NOT tell me how to respond to what I feel is an attack (at that point in time). Do NOT tell me about tone when the first sentence of my post is simply a question. Youtell me you don't know where I am in the process, but I clearly stated that SHOULDN'T MATTER. If someone has a question on these boards or a comment for that matter they should not have to endure a response of bodily fucntions nor should they have to explain down to the last detail where they are coming from...hey how about I give YOU a lesson in how not to make it look like an attack and how to better understand my tone!!! Next time you don't understand where I am coming from or don't understand my tone....THEN ASK ME! DO NOT ACCUSE ME!

PeQuele, I have been following this post and saw NOTHING argumentative or critical. All I saw were well-intentioned people sharing different perspectives on what can be a tricky situation. Seriously I cannot fathom what provoked you to freak out here. Take a deep breath and realize that discussions sometimes mean disagreeing.

Now maybe from the post above you can see why I was so offended. FACTS (as you so state) do not entail responses about body functions unless we are posting on something like the consistency of your child's poop! Mike initially wrote " If you do have a RAD child, I apologize for my reaction." But what I interpret there is that if I DID NOT have a RAD child he wasn't sorry for his reaction...ok how is that for feeling stomped upon for making a comment on this thread! That is nice YOU don't think I was stomped on, HOWEVER I feel I was. I TRIED to follow up the question as to where I was coming from....what was the difference in the "shames" and how was dealing with it one way not going to make it any more difficult than doing it the other! You say that it is how it is asked or stated that gets this type of response...well yes, as you can see from how Mike stated what he did it provoked my response to him...see it works both ways here. Once I again it looks like I was wrong!

Like I said if you can't see where I am coming from...or anyone else on the boards for that matter...then ASK! I think I stated what caused me to "freak out here" in the post previous to this one...it was the mere metion of bodily function in response to my post! Does that clarify it for you now? THAT WAS WHY I WAS SO FLABERGASTED (SP??) at the response Mike gave me ok! Can we get over this now I think I have answered the question many times over at this point!

Hi Pequele..... O.K. It is evident that some of us misunderstoodnd what you wrote....

What about starting some other threads to ask the questions that you may have? Also, have you done any research or reading on International Adoption? There is soooo much to our wonderful children, and sometimes one reaction, or reasoning, etc. is not good or appropriate for another child....

DO NOT TAKE THIS AS CONFRONTATIONAL, as it plainly is NOT!!! Maybe starting out a Thread, would have better meaning or understanding.

This is a GOOD Place for support and information about the wonderful world of International Adoption....

Blessings............... :wings:

Let me reiterate that I apologize for misinterpreting your question. I am truly sorry. I did in fact misinterpret your question as a defensive response, and I apologize for returning with a defensive response. Living with RAD for the past year does make me emotional at times and that was one of them. You should feel free to ask any question that you need to ask, especially about RAD. Ok, I've been totally puzzled by the comment that I used a "bodily function" in my response. I absolutely could not figure out what you meant. But I think I've finally figured out that you took "visceral reaction" differently than I intended. My use of the term (and I checked this before I posted it at an on-line dictionary site...happy to provide it via PM) was that it is an emotional reaction based on instinct, not intellect. Instead, I should have used the word emotional reaction because I was trying to convey that it initially made me angry. However, I also see that there is an anatomical meaning to the word "viscera" that I did not know. Now I completely and totally understand your disgust and I would like to apologize for that as well. It seems that, on another post about vaccines, that you have a medical background (this is a complete guess on my part). Sadly, the meaning of that word was not in my vocabulary and I will not be using it again. I apologize to Pequele all of you who did know what it meant as well. Most know that it is not my goal to go around and irritate or provoke people. It's not what I do either on board on in person. Quite frankly, I'm conflict averse. I've been out of town for 2 days, so this is the reasoning for the delay in my response. But I did want everyone who has been reading this, and especially pequele, to know that I personally was wrong across the board. Mike