Why I chose Adoption

It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, I remember it like it was yesterday. It was February of 1990, I had missed my period and I was scared, 19 years old living alone, my parents far away and no family to turn to. I remember calling my boyfriend at work and telling him I was pregnant, he wanted to know what we were going to do about it!? I remember thinking "have a baby", What did he mean "what are we going to do about it?" After he got off work we talked about it and he told me he would NOT tell his parents I was pregnant, they would be angry that we had gotten ourselves into this before being married,I was scared, he was scared, he asked me to have an abortion. I was so frightened by the thought of that, I cried, he cried, he told me it was the best choice for us. I reluctantly agreed, knowing that it was against my beliefs, I called and made the appointment, it was for the following Thursday. I was a nervous wreck the entire time leading up to that Thursday, Thursday came and I couldnt do it. I couldnt bring myself to abort my child, OUR child.I didnt call them and cancel, I simply didnt go, I called my boyfriend and told him I couldnt do it, he said he understood. We continued on for the next 5 months pretending like life was "normal" and I wasnt carrying a child, and in August of 1990, I walked into his bedroom while he was lying on the bed and I said "since you seem to have forgotten, I am pregnant and we need to make a decision on parenting or placing this baby for adoption", we had never discussed adoption before this point, I had already thought about it myself, knowing that I wanted so much more for this baby, more than I felt as a single mom I could have provided. He on the other hand, hadnt given it a thought, he was in such denial that I still dont know what he thought we were going to do. We talked about the option of placing and he agreed that he wasnt ready to parent and furthermore, he wasnt telling his parents that I was pregnant.The next day I made the call to the adoption center, I spoke with a very kind lady who asked me if I wanted to come into the office and talk about it. We made an appointment for the next day, My boyfriend made it very clear that he wasnt going to be a part of this, he would sign the papers but he didnt want to go with me to the agency, so I went alone. I went, alone, they were very kind, explaining that their were lots of families waiting to adopt and that adoption was much different than it used to be, I could chose the parents that would raise my child, I could have contact, I would always know he was ok, I felt much better about my decision when I left there that day, but could I really do it? Could I just "give" my child away? I went home, told my boyfriend all about what I had learned and asked if he wanted to help pick out the parents?! He did NOT want to do anything, nothing, he said he couldnt handle it, so back to the agency I went, I looked at many profiles,I found J&D, they owned their own business, they had a beautiful home, they had already adopted one daughter, they were happily married and had been for years, they were "The Dream Family" for my child, I asked to meet them.We met only a few days later, they were very kind, so genuine, it didnt seem like they just "wanted" my baby, they really seemed to care about me. We talked about what I wanted for my child, what was important to me for his life, they asked if I wanted contact, I said at that point I wasnt sure if I could handle a completely open adoption so we agreed to pictures and letters whenever I wanted to send them and whenever I wanted to receive them. The agency would act as our intermediary, everything would be sent there and then forwarded.I chose them, I was due October 3, only I didnt have him on October 3, he didnt want to come into the world, he was comfortable right where he was, so the doctor scheduled me to be induced on October 16, Again my boyfriend didnt want to be invoved, he said he had to work and he would come to the hospital after he got off. The agency had someone come and get me the morning of my scheduled induction, I arrived at the hospital only to find out that he was breech and they were going to have to do a C-section, I was scared to death, Not only did I not want a scar for the rest of my life, I didnt want to be there all alone. I delivered a healthy baby boy that afternoon at 1:21 pm, he had healthy lungs and he was beautiful, I cried knowing that I would never get to hear that sweet sound again. I was in recovery when my boyfriend got there, he asked how I was and told me he didnt want to know the sex of the baby, only wanted to know that he was healthy. The next 2 days are a blur to me, even after all these years, I dont know how I got through it, I only wish I had known that I could have and should have held him and fed him, taken care of him for that short time, but I didnt know I could and to be honest, I am not sure I wanted to, sounds awful but I made the decision because I knew that at the time I couldnt give him what he deserved and I was afraid that "mothering" him would have clouded my vision of what was best for him. My boyfriend and I signed the papers in the hospital, they were suppose to cover the "Infant Male xxxxx" on his papers as he didnt want to know the sex of the baby but they forgot, it really hit him hard, he looked at me and said "Its a boy" I said yes and for the first time, I felt sorry for him, Sorry because he didnt get to be a part of the process of making sure his boy would be welcomed by loving parents, but it was his decision and he would have to live with it, just as I would have to live with not being able to be a parent to my child. J&D sent me flowers, a large vase full of fresh cut flowers from them and a basket of roses from their daughter, they would be coming to pick him up and take him home that day. J came into my room before they were leaving, he had HIS son with him, he asked if I wanted to hold him and say goodbye, I couldnt do it, I couldnt hold that baby or I would have never let him go and I truly felt that in my situation I was doing what was best for him, so I said I didnt want to hold him, I kissed his head and told him I loved him and I would always miss him, I then handed J a letter I had written to be saved for when he was ready for it, I had written to him while everything was fresh in my mind, because even though we would be in contact I knew there were things I would forget over the years, it is in a sefety deposit box as far as I know or maybe he has it now, you see they kept in contact for the first 7 years but the agency closed 9 yrs ago and when it did they cut off all contact. They had a pobox number where I sent my letters and they had my address, but the last letters I sent were returned to me due to the pobox having been closed. Why?? I dont know, guess I wont know until hopefully the day comes where we can meet agin, in the meantime I am sure they have his best interest at heart, I pray for them everyday, I hope life has brought him all I wished for him to have, if so it will make all my pain worth it!