New to the board and here's my story:

Hi Welcome to the forums! How cool that your bmom and bdad are together! As for your bmom being a bit "distant". She may be denying feelings about having missed out on so many milestones in your life - your first tooth, your first step. And she may still have a lot of buried feelings about having placed you for adoption. She might not even recognize that. She may be afraid to get too close for fear of losing you again. This may be subconscious. I know it can be difficult for adoptees to become close with anyone because of fear and some of us don't even know why we are holding others at length. I have come to the realization after losing (through death) some relatives very close to me that life is way too short and we can't change others feelings nor completely know what is going on in their heads and hearts. But what we can do is enjoy our life while we are here and concentrate on the beautiful good things we do have. Hugs Snuffie

Thank you for your kind words! It is super cool that my parents are together :) My bDad and I are very communicative and close and we treasure and love each other and I also have 2 bSisters and we love each other very much. One of them is like my best friend! I am surrounded by love and support through friends and family, I'm at the point know of letting in how much clout my bMom has had over my feelings and I'm learning how to re-claim MY feelings. I have a voice! I have my own heartbeat!

Good for you on reclaiming your feelings. You know one of the experiences I had to recently deal with is bdad informed me that I need to look into the idea that there may very well be another child bmom put up for adoption too. When I attempted to be reunited with her, I was always told she didn't want to be found. That if I were to do this I had to be careful of what I said. Everyone was concerned about HER feelings and not mine. Except amom whom I was keeping in the dark for most of it. It annoyed me to death!

Welcome to the boards! I hope you find the support you need here to learn, grow and feel accepted.

This is my first post to anything and I am glad it is here. I always talk about being adopted as sort of matter of fact, but I have never really talked about how painful it is for me - the sense of lacking identity, displacement, always waiting for the other shoe to drop (rejection). I never handled the adoption thing well. My older (by four years) sister told me in a fit of anger when I was about 5 or 6. I just heard, "You are not really their child. You don't really belong to them." Funny thing was, she is adopted too. She has her own set of demons. Maybe I am overdue for couch time. In all of the years of therapy I had 12 years or so, this is the one thing I never discussed. I am 45. I guess it is time. Thanks for listening.

Hello fellow adoptees... I'm continuously amazed at how similar many of our feelings are... and to FINALLY realize that we are NOT alone in them. I've been happily reunited now for 5 years with my bmom, bsibs, and extended bfamily. I waited 48 years to finally have the nerve, desire, and drive to do it...happened very quickly and then there was no turning back. I think the thing that bothered me the most in my life was the lack of understanding that I might have feelings that needed validation... whether they were feelings of anger for being surrendered...feelings of loss and grief... or any other feelings that I might have had... none of my feelings were ever validated until I decided to seek some professional help when my aging aparents were getting too much for me to handle on my own. I think my parents did the best that they could with the information that they had...which in 1953 was the idea that babies arrived as a "blank slate" that could be developed into what type of child the aparents wanted... (SO wrong in my case!!! haha... I was the "bull in the china shop telling jokes" and my amom was the southern belle from Texas!) Since my reunion I can happily say that I AM exactly WHO I'm supposed to be... and in retrospect.. I was WHERE I was supposed to be growing up... I was my father's daughter.. something I wouldn't have traded for anything! This is a GREAT place for support... I really enjoy the chatroom here as well... good people... good support...sal

I'm so glad you are getting therapy for yourself. I'm sure in my heart that this will help you in your life to come.In my opinion, the walls that your mother has put up is not to keep you out, but to keep herself safe and protected inside. Perhaps in time, she will feel safe enough to share some , ( probably) extremely painful stuff with you.You do sound like a well rounded individual, so you must be doing well in therapy. Hope so.Perhaps your mother meant that AT THE TIME, when she relinquished you for adoption it was the BEST she could do, given the circumstances. Would that make " no regrets" from her clearer to you? I would ask her and see.Big Big hugsdmca

Sorry !! God gave you life and the ability to be yourself- you are stronger than many people. I have waited for apologies in my life, but if they are not heartfelt, I would rather move along in my life. Envious of therapy though, pretty broke these days and living in CA. Best of Luck to you !!! E

I was adopted from foster care. So I always knew who my birth parents were. I was a teenager at the time of adoption. I had to cut ties with everyone and everything immediately. No letters to friends or anything. I simply dropped off the face of the earth. Years later as i tried to reconnect with birth family there were unresolved issues and it didn't go well. Birth mom has since died but just before her death I made my peace with her. Birth father was long gone before foster situation ever occurred. Step father is still alive. I can't face him. I took my younger brother to see him because he is his dad, but I couldn't go in the door. I fell apart and cried for over an hour in fear and hurt that just being in his home brought to me. I know what he is. I know what he truly is. But the younger ones don't. They see an elderly man who talks to them about when they were young. I remember when they were young, but I wont marr their relationship with him. I can't admit to them how much I truly hate the man. They tell me about their visits with him and later I fall apart from the hurt it brings back. I am a very functional person (aside from my propensity to rescue people when I should just let them work it out on their own). I guess I really need to speak to the man and tell him how I really feel. Would it do any good and could I actually go through with it without breaking down into a sobbing puddle?

As a new adoptive parent, reading this thread, I am wondering, what can I, as an adoptive parent of 2 beautiful children from the foster care system, do to help my children with these feelings as they come up? I cannot imagine how empty they must feel, knowing their own family could not/would not take them in, and their birth mother just signing away their rights without a fight like she promised them. I never speak negatively of their birth mother. I listen to them and empathize with their feelings, but how do I cross that divide of "they're not your family now" (at least right now while they're young and it's not in their best interests to have contact) to not being too harsh in regards to their birth families choices, but yet, helping them realize that WE are their family now? What would you have liked to have experienced with your own adoptive parents, or what did you experience that made it helpful over time? I'd sure love to know. I love my babies with all my heart, but I do accept and realize they weren't "my babies" first. Thanks!