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Here's a little thing I am trying with my 10 year old dd with RAD.
She is the type that, if offered three choices, she choses the 4th! The one you did NOT offer. If you make her favorite meal, she's suddenly not hungry. If you only have a certain amount of something to go around, she's suddenly starving. If you give her A, she really wanted B.
SOOOOO
For the past month I have made it a rule that she cannot ask for anything! I mean Anything! When she does, she is assigned a chore, immediately. She knows she can go potty, get a drink of water etc anytime without asking. That goes without saying. AND, I told her if she wants something to eat she has to say "I'm Hungry" NOT "Can I have ________?" She can say "What can I do right now, I'm bored?" NOT "Can I play the xbox or Can I have_____"
My part in the experiment: I have been extra aware of what her needs/wants might be. I purposely ask her if she wants _____. If I am passing out food, I ask her "Do you want A or B?" Would you like some donuts too? or Would you like a snack?" Would you like to choose something to watch on TV?" etc
These are the results so far:
I don't dread her walking into the room.
I don't dread feeding her.
I don't cringe when she starts to talk.
I don't get pissed as much!:happydance:
I don't run and hide when I see her coming.
I have a really clean house cuz she's had so many chores lately :woohoo:
Here is the point to all of this:
My dd has RAD. She thinks she needs to control everything and everyone around her. She thinks I am an unnecessary presence in her life. She thinks she is way better at taking care of her than I am. She thinks if she doesn't demand something she won't get it.
She's wrong.
She has been unable to control what she eats and drinks, what she does for fun, where she goes and what is given to her for over a month...and she is still breathing.
I'm not done yet. She is trying to find ways around me. (stealing candy from the pantry because she couldn't ask me for it and I wasn't offering it) But, I am continuing with this amazingly rewarding experiment because being around my dd when she is not constantly asking me for things she can't have is heavenly!:love:
My hope is that this will eventually sink into her head and heart and she will start to chill out a little and be a little less demanding. More than that, I hope she begins to put a little more faith in me to care for her, and give her good things. Maybe??:rolleyes:
Has anyone else tried this type of thing?
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Yes, I did this exact thing. My daughter had to ask for everything. This is one theory on increasing attachment. If the child relies on the parent for everything, they learn to trust that their needs will be met. I did this for three years, even homeschooled. I do think it helped. My daughter is not attached, but she is a tough case. However, she will say that those years were some of the best. While she fought it with everything she had, she now looks back and says she felt the safest that she ever did and she credits me with that. It also helps you regain control of your household. Read "Love is not enough" by Nancy Thomas. This is theory that she promotes. But it must be done with great love and compassion to work. (thats the hard part).
Yes, I did this exact thing. My daughter had to ask for everything. This is one theory on increasing attachment. If the child relies on the parent for everything, they learn to trust that their needs will be met. I did this for three years, even homeschooled. I do think it helped. My daughter is not attached, but she is a tough case. However, she will say that those years were some of the best. While she fought it with everything she had, she now looks back and says she felt the safest that she ever did and she credits me with that. It also helps you regain control of your household.
Read "Love is not enough" by Nancy Thomas. This is theory that she promotes. But it must be done with great love and compassion to work. (thats the hard part).
We tried having him ask for what he needed-- and quickly had to go to meeting his basic needs and having him ask for anything extra. It became very apparent that he would go to school naked before asking for clothes (and obviously we didn't do that!), would sit in the middle of the floor and stare rather than ask for toys and starve rather than ask for food. So gave him what he needed and told him regularly that he was free to ask for dessert, other toys, different clothes than the outfit provided, etc. He NEVER, even once, in the several month trial of this would ask me for anything. Now, he'd ask any perfect stranger he stumbled upon for the moon, but me, not even one time. I think it depends on the kid...
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Yes, you are right. They are all different. My dd thinks she HAS to manipulate and control me to get what she needs. (that's how it was with her birth mom)
So, I am purposely giving her what she needs without her asking. It's refreshing. For the first time in 5 years I actually feel like her mom instead of her servant, waitress, or employee!
Biblemom
How is your experiment going?