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Hi I am a new amom, our son being 4 months old. I have some questions for those of you who grew up in a closed adoption, but first some background: I was in the delivery room at his birthmother's request, and my husband was just outside the delivery room. She requested that I stay in the hospital with her overnight, which I did, except for the last night, which she requested that I not so she could have her alone time with the baby. She voluntarily relinquished in the hospital and we took the baby home with us and have had him ever since. The relationship we have with his birthmom is open and friendly, and we try to be as supportive of her as we possibly can, send her pictures often (sometimes one or more times each week), talk with her via email or IM, etc. We can truly say that we love our son more than words could ever say, and we would move the heavens and earth for him if we could. He seems to be a very happy baby, and our pediatrician says he is very healthy, and his growth and development are excellent and right where they should be. Our family and friends alike just adore him! Everyone knows that he is adopted (not finalized yet, but we are waiting), and NO ONE treats him like is any different then if he were our biochild. At four months old, he is STILL receiving gifts from family and friends of ours, which we appreciate as he is growing so fast, and outgrows clothes before he can outwear them. We talk to him about his birthmother, and read to him at bedtime almost every night, and include adoption books in our stories to chose from. We speak of his birthfather, but don't know very much about him, and do not have contact information for him, so we cannot communicate with him except through our agency. So here is my question(s): We want our son to grow up well-adjusted, always knowing about his adoption, loving and respecting both his birth and adoptive families, and not being ashamed of his adoption, or be defined by it. Knowing that hindsight is always 20/20, if you had the opportunity to grow up in an open adoption, having an on-going relationship with your birthfamily (including half-brothers), how would you like that relationship to go? Is there anything that we, as adoptive parents, can do to help our son understand his adoption, understand the reasons why his birthfamily chose an adoption plan and also understand why we wanted to adopt him, so that he doesn't grow up feeling like he doesn't fit in with his adoptive family nor feel abandoned by his birthfamily? We are all the same race, so there isn't any "obvious" signs that he is adopted by those that don't already know (in fact, many, many people comment on how he actually resembles my DH, because they do have similar features, eye color, and hair color). I hope I don't offend anyone by these questions, because I mean no harm -- I truly want to know so that I can not only be a good parent, but be a good aparent as well, because I know that things are different, and that he will face some differences growing up, and I want to be able to help him as best I can. Thanks for your responses -- I look forward to reading them.
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Can I ask, why are you asking for feedback from closed adoption adoptees about open adoption?They can speculate about how they might have felt, but the reality is, we can all say one thing, but then go in a totally different direction when faced with a situation.I can't imagine having a closed adoption - not knowing my roots, a lot about where I came from, being able to address questions to my birthmother directly, rather than fantasize, which I hear a lot about on the forums...I can't imagine how confusing it must be to be a part of a closed adoption - to me, it'd be like Santa or the Tooth Fairy - your parents tell you they exist...but you can't see them, so do they really?Being a part of open adoption certainly helped me answer questions about myself before I even knew I had them. I know where my quirky personality traits come from...why I'm so flippin tall...and why I burn rather than brown when out in the sun.No surprises here :)
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I'm a birthmom, not an adoptee, but I do have a comment for you. I find as I read many of the threads, that sometimes the bparents seem to pull back and/or end contact as the children get older. (Probably for a variety of reasons). Please try to keep the communication lines open for the sake of your son. Your relationship is starting well (I loved the description of your latest visit with the bom.) I would love to have had at least pictures of my son as he grew and to know that he could contact me when he was ready. My bson was supposedly matched with his parents because he would "match" family characteristics (I didn't have much say in the matching.) When we reunited, one of the best things for D was finding people he looked like. (So much for matching!) Actually he looks more like me than either of my other children. I think he also grew up wondering why his birth mother rejected him...something your son will not have to face. After 33 years, I can finally tell D's parents how much I appreciate them and honor them as the parents of my first born son.
Dear Cheryl~
It sounds like you are asking good questions. And I am amazed by the situation you have with the birth mother.
It is important for you to bring up adoption and let your son know you're comfortable talking about it. But be careful not to always be reminding him. Let him feel so secure he can forget. I remember I used to forget sometimes. It was such a wonderful feeling. It is a sign of security to me. When you almost have to be reminded your adopted because the people in your family have accepted you so well and with such love.
My adoption was technically closed but my parents knew the names and addresses of my bparents. Finding them was incredibly easy for me. Since you are in contact with the birth mother your son will have that going for him when he's ready to reunite.
I don't want to sound like a wet blanket but growing up is very hard. Even when you're not adopted. My parents asked me to wait until I was out of high school to find my biological family. This was the best thing they ever could have done for me. Imagine trying to work out the dynamics of two families when you're a teenager. It doesn't mean you can't keep in touch with the birthmother but I think it's a very delicate balance to do it well. Your new son needs to feel secure in the family he is in now. Trying to find your place in two families could overwhelm him.
He has his whole adult life to connect and bond with his birth family. You are not taking that from him. Let him grow up as easily as possible. Reassure him of your love and your support. The emotions he will be feeling will be big. I just think an older age is better. I can't imagine being in 5th grade and trying to figure all this out.
I'm sure there will be people who disagree with me. I'm only speaking from my own experience. In my situation older was better. I know if I ever adopted a child I would have them wait. That's the best I can tell you. I would do the same as my parents.
It sounds like your little guy is very fortunate.
Best of Luck
Amy
[quote=BrandyHagz]Can I ask, why are you asking for feedback from closed adoption adoptees about open adoption? They can speculate about how they might have felt, but the reality is, we can all say one thing, but then go in a totally different direction when faced with a situation. [quote] The main reason I was looking for replies from those who grew up in closed adoptions is that I wanted to know how they would have wanted things to go so I can take as much as possible into consideration as I raise my son. I guess I'm trying to see things from as many perspectives as possible -- maybe I am over thinking things, but I thought if I could get these perspectives, it would help me as a mother.
Brandy: I have no facts to back this up, but if your adoption was an open one, I'd be willing to bet it happened in the "modern" era. I don't know if this was even an option in the 1940s. I grew up knowing a minimum of details - my birth name, my mother's age and that she was unable to take care of me for unspecified family reasons. That was perfectly fine with me, even though I've had an insatiable curiosity to know "things" since I was a kid.
As I aged, sometimes I'd wonder if on my birthday my birth mother ever wondered what happened to that infant. Having no facts to support any theory, I've always felt "no" was the correct answer. It was too long ago. Was I curious? Of course! But nobody had answers, so I didn't waste my time worrying about what cannot be.
Now that I'm older, I'm learning to understand the morals of my birth mother's era; they explain why she went to such great lengths to make sure as few people as possible ever found out. She was of a different era than me - a fact I cannot change.
It has, however, been interesting to be able to pool the human and technology resources and learn what steps she took to disappear, then learn she's still alive with a "real," devoted family of her own. That she chooses to not confess to them that I ever happened is ok, too. That's her right. She does not "owe" a reveleation to her world.
I've known the correct facts for four months, but now I'm coming to regret not calling off the dogs 24 hours earlier. I know exactly where I could have clsoed the book, but did not.
I'm content to assign all my personality traits to the wonderful mom and dad who guided me all but two weeks of my life, who taught me everything I need to know, who showed me doors of opportunity and explained what's behind them, then let me make my own choices.
That nothing I've ever seen or learned explains how I became to be tall, trim and blonde-haired is ok. The older I get, the less I concern myself with things I cannot change and focus on that which I can change.
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I was born in the strictly closed adoption era but was told I was adopted from very little on so it became just another part of being ME. Those of us from this era have dealt with the wondering, the feelings of guilt about wondering, searching and possibly reunion. And I always thought how very much better an open adoption would have been.
How wonderful of you to ask questions and to be so conscious of things that your baby may feel as he grows up. In the closed era adoptive parents like mine "pretended" that I had been born to them and said things like "You come from hardy stock" or you get that from your grandma". I knew that couldn't be true. One thing that I guess bothered me was being introduced as an "adopted" daughter. My parents didn't mean anything by is as they felt it made me special but it served to make me feel "different" sometimes and out of the "circle".
Keeping the lines of communication are so important in any family but especially in one touched by adoption. It sounds as though you are very well aware of that and will continue to ask questions while your beautiful son is growing up.
Congratulations on your new little one!
Snuffie
Brandy: I have no facts to back this up, but if your adoption was an open one, I'd be willing to bet it happened in the "modern" era.
Hi Poleczech,
I was a closed adoption and I found out by accident at the age of 13 that I was adopted, so I know that was not the road that should have been chosen! Wow, what kind of a person would I have turned out to be had I had an amother like you. I think your concerns for your son are vaild, I hope that you and the birthfamily are able to maintain and respect the boundaries of your open adoption relationship.
babygirl##### class="new_quote_content_holder"
Hi Poleczech, I was a closed adoption and I found out by accident at the age of 13 that I was adopted, so I know that was not the road that should have been chosen! Wow, what kind of a person would I have turned out to be had I had an amother like you. I think your concerns for your son are vaild, I hope that you and the birthfamily are able to maintain and respect the boundaries of your open adoption relationship.
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Hi longingtomeetyou,
I was found by my bmom when I was 17 and in foster care. A seacher called my foster family with my bmom's phone number. That was 18 years ago. So I never had the chance think about what I would have wanted from my bmom at the age of 18. And my story is very muddied by an abusive amom...so my wants and needs were different from maybe an adoptee that was raised in an open and loving family.
QUOTE]
Being a part of open adoption certainly helped me answer questions about myself before I even knew I had them
I was in an open adoption and I feel the best thing about it was that any questions that came up were easily answered. I also think that because of the relationship that maybe there was a natural evolving of information that I had less questions and was comfortable with the knowledge I did have of where I came from and who my birth family was.
busymomofthree
I was adopted at 6yrs
I adopted a sibling group 9.5 years ago
Not of blood, but by love, you are my son. You are a special child because you were prayed for more than any other child. More than one woman was chosen by God, more than one man, to love you and bless you. Never forget that no matter what I will ALWAYS love you. I will ALWAYS support you. If you want to find your biological family someday, I promise I will help you. I will never make you feel that you ever have to hide any part of who you are. I love ALL of you.
God bless you all! Cherish each other and stay close.
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elusivefugue
My parents told me at a young age (3) that I was adopted. It made me feel different. They couldn't tell me why I was adoopted though, so in many ways I felt rejected. Since reuniting all of my questions have been answered. And the unanswered questions were always the hardest as I grew up.
Poleczech, first congrats on being a new amom! I wish you all the happiness your new baby can bring you.I come from a family that chose a closed adoption for me. However, on my birthmothers end it was a limited open where she would receive letters and pictures of my progress as i grew.I found out that i was adopted when i was five and my amom was pregnant with my brother. They did not tell me anything about my bmother other than that she loved me and wanted what was best for me. I'll have to admit that i was confused and i cried alot. My amom read me childrens books about adoption stories which helped alittle.When i was 17 i received a letter that my birthmom had written to my parents and I when i was born. My amom was there in the hospital but she prefiered that my adad stayed outside.If i could have had things my way, it would be my wish that my birthparents were honest with me the entire time with everything they knew about my bmother (there really isnt any info with my bdad). I would wish for them to ease little bits of information to me over the years instead of throwing all of the information to me when i was 17. My amom even helped my bmom with questions about pregnancy and other things and met up with her before i was born. I was never treated any different than my two brothers who are both biological of my aparents. And everyone says i look exactly like my amother. Any little advice i could give is too always be truthful even if it just in small amounts, answer questions as best as you can even if it might hurt over the years, and give your child endless supplies of love support and comfort when times may get emotional about the topic of adoption. congrats and goodluck!-bridget