Need some advice - for a difficult decision

Your Husband should enter counseling to deal with his anger. Even if you should place this child, his anger won't magically disappear and, since no child will be present, will instead be directed at you and your relationship.

Yes, I did make a choice that resulted in my current situation. I dont deny that, and am not blaming anyone else... but even a "choice" can be a "mistake". "It wasn't really a painful mistake".... ummm... yes it was! The definition of mistake is -an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.It would make things incredibly easier if I could blame someone else, or even "insufficient knowledge" but I know how babies are made. It was an error in action, and judgment.... and I regret it. Regretting it doesnt change the consequences, but it can change my future choices. I also consider this situation worlds away from fostering. We were not considering adopting, we were considering fostering. And in a foster situation, the child is not related to you, and you dont have emotional baggage with the father! Yes, in a foster situation the CHILD might have baggage, but i'm talking about a situation where the PARENTS have baggage with the CHILD. I wouldnt even be in this situation of the child was my husbands, and i think that is a callous and insensitive thing to say. Look, all i wanted in posting was opinions from other bithmothers who considered abortion, then decided on adoption. I wanted to know why they chose that route, and the effects its had on them. NOT to be reprimaded for considering adoption! You may think my reasons are selfish because I dont want to be tied to this ex for 18 years, but where is best for the child? In a home WITH baggage over its father, or a home WITHOUT? I know adoption is not a passing fancy, and have seriously considered the consequences and reprocussions of this option. I dont know how I will feel after the child is born, which again, is why i posted here. So i could understand, with firsthand accounts, what it is like.

You must not have done much research on fostering, sadly. Children who come with special needs in the foster system, of the emotional venue, can cause HUGE rifts in families. Visit our special needs boards for more proof in that pudding.

fairydust, you misconstrued my "glass half full" vs. the half empty scenario. I was trying to help you work through (not condemning you) the issues.I am sorry that you are offended. Based on what I read in your response, you are just in the mindset that everything about this is bad and wrong. There are always two sides to every story. I was trying to point out some of the things that could turn into positives somewhere down the road.As a trained mentor for 19 years in the foster care system for DSS in various states, I absolutely have clarity about fostering/adopting issues.I second what Jenna said about how FC issues can tear a family apart. I also recommend if at some point you do re-enter the consideration to foster, you check out the FC boards and the SN boards also. The older the child the more deep the issues.

You really need to get some counseling around this. The bottom line is that even if you place, this child will always be "the elephant in the living room" that no one talks about, but who is always there. As much as you would "like to forget", it is not psychologically possible to do so. I know birthmoms who were in your situation. All of the birthmoms I know really regret placing. Because the bottom line is they could not forget their children, nor could their spouses ever forgive them for having a child that wasn't theirs. If you really want this marriage to work, you and your husband will need to resolve this. Forgetting it is not likely to happen. You cannot go back, you can only go forward with an understanding of the reality of the past.

I am the mother of a beautiful little girl who we adopted at birth two years ago. Something that I wanted to add is that there are no mistakes. This journey was planned for you for whatever reason. Maybe it was to bring you and your husband back together or may to concieve this sweet child for some loving couple who can't have children of their own or in our case who want to continue their family through adoption. Please think your decision through.

wow these people arent being too helpful and this is a first ive seen of that. However I understand where you are coming from. I am in a similar siuation. In my eyes the only option is for you to give the baby for adoption because it isnt something you want. You dont want this child because of the circumstances and you can give a couple the chance to have something they cant produce themselves. So out of a mistake you made a beuatiful gift, a miracle. I dont understand why people are asking you to considering parenting when its clearly not what you want to do. But yes I do think you and your husband need to get some help in working through this and you resentment. But keeping a child and resenting him/her is not the life you want for your child when there is someone out there that would never do this. Its not good to see your child as a burden and if thats what this baby is then adoption is a good choice. I am going through my deision process as well. So If you want to talk feel free to contact me and good luck. Dont let anyone bring you down. It will all work out.

I am so sorry you are going through a hard time right now. I cannot offer any advice, but I can send you a (((hug))) and emotional support! Every life is a special gift, whether it is a gift that is kept or a gift that is given away!I pray that God gives you the grace to go through the processes of healing... and your husband as well...God never lets you walk down a road by yourself.

Couple of thoughts:1. I think it is easy to talk of this "child" as it is while it is inutero. I cannot imagine looking at any beautiful, newborn, wonderful amazing baby with anything but love. Your detached thoughts may change once you see your child. 2. You are in an unfortunate situation. But you are not the first and will not be the last. There are many men out there raising other men's children, and there are probably many place childred because of similar situations. I know one family, similar to your situation. The husband and wife now have 4 children. One was fathered by another man similar to your time circumstances, but he is just as much a daddy to that little girl. 3. You and your husband need to get some counseling. What happens if you give this baby up for adoption, and then resent your husband for not supporting you while you raised YOUR child. It is my guess that at some point, this child may become yours and not just his. Prayers are with you. You have difficult work ahead of you. My most positive energies your way!!!!:grouphug:

I'd say go for the abortion. Then again, I am a guy. There are plenty of children out there without homes(I've lived in third world ghettos so I know)...there is no reason to bring another child into this world when there are already many out there. If you disagree with abortion then by all means give birth to your child and put it up for adoption. Don't get me wrong--there are plenty of hopeful parents around who would want to raise your child...but the abandonment issues on both ends are going to be intense. I can tell you one thing--you and your partner will most likely not survive if you have this kid. It will be a lot easier for him to deny your child's existence than it will be for you. Don't expect any comfort from him if he's mad at this child already...much less when you start showing. He will probably resent taking you for pre-natal care, etc. I don't mean to sound harsh--just giving a guy's opinion.

Wrong. That's a generalization and maybe your opinion but certainly not the case for everyone. We have quite a few members here who have remained in a long term relationship with the father of the child post-placement. Heck, my favorite pair just got married last year.Let's keep stereotypes and generalizations to a minimum. If it's your own opinion, state that YOU wouldn't stay with the woman. Don't speak for the entire male gender.

I disagree with the abortion, but of course everyone is entitled to their opinion. We were blessed with an angel that has changed our world completely!! Words cannot describe how much this little angel means to us!! I remember the birth mom saying that even though she made a mistake the baby was not a mistake and should not have to suffer because of that....The choice of adoption is such a loving and courageous choice...and I saw firsthand the love the birth mom had and always will have for her little baby. I will never forget and always will hold such a special place in my heart for the birth mom. There are so many couples out there awaiting adoption. There is no greater joy in this world then hearing the words "mommy and daddy"!! and thanks to a birth mom we were blessed to finally be able to hear the words we longed to hear for years...She answered our long awaited prayers....I hope whatever decision you make you are at peace with....May God Bless:flowergift:

OOOo me me!! I'm one of those members who are in a long term relationship post placement. My now husband and I were together for a little over a year when our son was born in 2000 and we got married in June of 2005. It has been hard work, but we're still together, strong and both involved actively in our child's life.

I did consider abortion. Briefly. I realized that adoption would be easier on me than abortion. I was very detached in the beginning, but grew more attached as the baby grew and developed. I had my second thoughts, that's normal, but knew that adoption was right.And honestly, people can only advise based on their own personal experience. Personally, I've had a really good experience with adoption. I picked out the adoptive couple, got to know them, learned to trust them. By the end of the pregnancy, it felt like a surrogacy. They send me updates and pictures often, we talk. It's been amazing. I know that my son is getting the stable childhood I wouldn't have been able to provide him.It's been my experience that a lot of the women on this site have had extremely bad adoption experiences. Which sucks, I wish everyone's experience could have been good. But while these women are saying "don't let anyone force you into adoption, etc" a lot of times the message comes across as attempts to force someone to parent. Adoption may not have been right for you, you may regret what happened to you, but it is best for some people, and nowadays, we know more and are far more prepared for the hormones and emotions tied into placing. Honestly, I have my regrets, but they're mainly because I wasn't in a place to personally give him the life I wanted for him -- and that's why I chose adoption, a couple who is in that place. I don't regret the adoption. And everytime I see pictures of them, it makes my heart swell. I feel so happy that I made that decision.

Yeah, you were the "favorite" that I mentioned. :) Way to dispell adoption myths by living your life! WOO!