11 year old with no friends?

Wow, I feel for him and your family. I kept thinking "depression" as I read your post.Maybe both of your ideas are good--after school activities would be a good way for him to find someone to hook up with who shares an interest and a good counselor could help him sort through his feelings.Best wishes

My youngest son is 11 also, just started middle school, and has a personality just like this. After making excuses for his shyness, introversion, etc, I finally had to tell him to get outside and play. I wasn't as mean as I sound. I explained that I needed kid-free time (since he does all sorts of things and goes everywhere with his dad and me), he needed exercise and fresh air, and all the great things that come with friendships. I told him I knew it would be embarrassing and painful at first, but he'd be glad he did it. He has ventured out a few times to play with the boys from his bus stop. They aren't even into what he is necessarily, but he came home smiling because he's proud of himself. As for your sister's situation, I'd suggest the following:Church/youth groupBoy ScoutsRec Department sportsMusic lessonsMom and/or dad take him for walks to scope out the neighborhood kids and suggest he talk to them. Encourage talk about social life in school to keep up with how he's doing in that regard. Don't accept one-word responses from him. Call some of his past friends from his old school and invite them over on weekends or outings. They may be feeling just as lost as he is. Also, remind him that there are other kids at his school who are lonely and need a friend. He knows that by reaching out to those kids, he's doing the right thing being kind and possibly gaining a wonderful friend. And lastly, if all else fails, have him join an online gaming community, so he'll at least be interacting rather than playing alone. But, they should limit his time on the games or he'll have no motivation to get out and do things. Don't discount real depression, however. Keep an eye on him and watch for signs. (I've had depression since age 5, so I speak from experience.) It can't hurt to have him assessed, but ignoring it can.

He sounds depressed to me. I would say, that at this point, he needs both counseling and encouragement to get involved in other things. Headaches, stomach aches, sadness... all are indicators of depression. Sometimes we just need a little help from someone who has some distance and knowledge.

I agree--both ideas are great. A couple of cautions: - Avoid the school counselor, suggest your sister go private if she possibly can. The expense is worthwhile. The sad fact is (and other parents or GCs, please don't be upset with me) that often (not always), going to school guidance "tags" a kid forever. This was true for my sister's kids. - On activities: Be sure he joins something in which he has an interest and at least some potential for success. He may try to set himself up for failure by trying for something he knows is out of reach--like trying out for the basketball team if he is not particularly athletic or tall. Most schools have a variety of things--robotics (those Legos teams), Destination Imagination, band (at ours, most of the kids actually start in late grade school or middle school), etc. - In my own experience, it is a fine line between showing wanted support for a tween and making them feel uncomfortably like a family "project." They need this help right at the same time nature is telling them to differentiate and distance themselves from the adults in their family. It's tricky! Good luck.

Thanks so much for the suggestions. I agree about the private counselor--an assessment can't hurt. I know my sister's taken him to observe a karate class that he's expressed interest in, and he likes to swim, so those are probably the starting points. Hadley, you are right on about the potential for success issue---we've struggled with that all along with him. If he isn't good at it right away, he doesn't want to do it. Tattude, I am going to pass on your situation to my sister. If nothing else, he can go ride his bike after school.

HBV - My sister and her family moved last year. At the time my nephew (also an only child) was getting ready to go into 8th grade. So much of what you said about your nephew is exactly what J was going through. My sister got him interested in participating in the youth group with church. J's sport was hockey this was just not an option for him in the new school. She forced him to at least try out for a sport of his choice. She also made him go outside and try to meet kids in the neighborhood.It was a disaster but once he did that then one day there was a break through and he started to not be so angry. Now he has started high school this year and has friends. It was a very hard and rough road and there are still days that he hates the new house and just wants to go home but overall it seems to have worked out. Best of luck to your sister and nephew.

Ds is 11 and just started middle school this year too. He is having some of the same problems, but most of that is due to his ADHD. (I am not saying your nephew is, I just know what is causeing my son's.)He is extremly active in both church and Boy Scouts, but when I asked him the other day if he hangs out with anyone at school, he told me "no i'd rather eat lunch by myself." He will sit at a table with people, so please do not think he is sitting by himself. We have moved out to the country, so he can not just go hang out with any kids around here. At our old neighborhood, he would ride his bike down to the park and play with the kids there. Dh and I have decided just to leave him alone right now, he is happy and keeps active after school.

I can add to the conversation from personal experience, EXCEPT for the fact I never had to deal with a school transition that wasn't expected (like going from elementary to middle school). I was ALWAYS a loner. I did not, and still do not, like to associate with "local" people. It's all politics and BS...each one trying to usurp each other. At least from my own experiences. My isolation was partly in fact that from an early age, I realized my intelligence was used, but no one valued ME...who I really was. When people joined my "study group"...I did all the work, and they all got the good grade because they KNEW I would not accept anything below an A. THAT was why they wanted in my group...not because they gave a flip about me. As I got older, I got to have "group assignments" to myself...because I was old enough to articulate why I did not want to be in a group doing the assignment. Also, the friends I did associate with were into drugs and alcohol, so I would always turn down party invitations until it got to where I was never invited. It was like I dropped off the face of the earth. I always got along better with my teachers than my peers. Perhaps this is some of what he is going through, too?

Coming back for an update----my nephew has been in karate for about 6 months now---just tested for his green belt, and is doing really well with that. I'm also really happy to report that he decided he wanted to go to a sleep away camp this summer. He just got back from a week long stay, out of state, and had a blast! I watched the camp photominder all week and it sure looks like he had fun. He says he can't wait to go back next year. Hopefully we're on the downhill side of some of this. Thanks again for all of the suggestions.