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I know I'll probably get blasted for this one..but here it goes. It's something I need to get off of my chest.
I am currently in the middle(DTC) of an adoption. I am nowhere near a referral(my LID is June 8, 06). I am having serious doubts about adoption(actually about having kids in general). I had never wanted to have kids and then last year, I had a "change of heart". My husband was initially against kids, for quite a few different reasons.
We talked it out and made a mutual decision to go forward. I went through a period of depression(not related to the adoption) and since have gotten rid of the source of depression(my former job) and started a new job. This required a pay cut of about $5K, which is pretty substantial for me. My husband also switched jobs and recently quit his job(the company was messing with the terms of employment and made him straight commission, something he never agreed to).
Long story short, I really am not sure I'm ready or able to make the commitment it takes to have a child. In our former jobs, my husband and I would have been able to stagger our schedules in order for us to not have to pay for as much childcare(staying home is not an option for me). I feel I didn't do enough "research" on the costs of raising a child, even though I though I had it "all figured out". I feel like I would be making a huge mistake if I went forward with this when I'm not 100% sure.
Has anyone else felt this way? I know that adoptive parents sometimes try to be "perfect"(as do some bio parents) about everything. I just see my financial situation as being very violatile.
I have spoken with my husband about this. He initially was very angry and pointed out that he had brought some of this up while we were thinking about adoption. It's just that there are so many unknowns about the whole intl. thing. Our income will down about $10K due to the job switches. I hate to bring this all down to finances, but I know that's how they base if you are qualified.
I feel I am letting him down after making the struggle to fill out all the papers, etc. I had doubts earlier, but let him dissuade me. His logic was, "We've already come this far" and "Other people do it, why not us?".
I just don't see myself being able to do this. I've talked to other parents(relatives) and they stated that they felt this way too before having kids, but the feeling is very strong for me.
Thanks for reading,
Angie :grr:
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We are SO NOT going to blast you! This forum is here to support you!:grouphug: Most of us have had doubts at one time or another... that is absolutely NORMAL. I agree with everyone else... don't make any rash decisions right now. The beauty of the long wait with China is that you have got TIME. A wise woman told me early in my marriage (when we were first making the decision to have children)...If you think of all the reasons NOT to do something, you will never get up in the morning. If you forge ahead and just do it, you will reap great rewards in life. Take this time to really sort through your feelings, in the end, you will make the decision that is right for you and your family.
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In China when we were walking in to pick Lydia up, I wondered: "Is this the right thing to do? Will I have time, will we have money, will she be too much for us to handle? What if I don't love her?" As we 24 hours later walked in to adopt her...I wondered all the same things again plus I had the added stress of realizing I loved the idea of Lydia, but I realized I didn't love this child as Lydia yet. I mean here she was, a total stranger. And here I am about to take into my life, for the rest of my life someone I'd just met. What kind of crazy person does that?
The answer is the kind of crazy person named Lissa. And I fell deeply in love with that child. She is everything to me and as long as I have her and hubby everything else is just icing.
:flower:
I think that the fact that you are examining your desire to be a parent shows how mature and self aware you are. And, like the other posters, I think it's perfectly normal to have doubts. DH and I have no other children and there are times when I wonder if I'm crazy to want to give up our carefree, do-what-we-want lifestyle.
You've gotten really good advice to take the finances out of the equation - if you had no money concerns, would you still want to be a parent? Ten years from now, will you still be in the same position - or will things be much better? And - have you ever heard anyone say that they regretted being a parent because, without the kids, they would have had so much more money?
Take some time to think about things - you deserve it!
We (especially me) had the same feelings twice (we just got our referal for #2). When you think about it in practical terms you would have to be crazy to have a child (birth or adopt)! The time, the money, the commitment, the responsibility etc, etc, etc. All doubts dissapeared when i held that little human in my arms for the first time. The doubts come back at times, but not for long. I cannot beleive that anyone has not had the feelings you are experiencing now. No one said adopting would be easy!
I think its totally normal! Or I'm nuts too :) I actually stood sobbing in the hotel room with a sick baby we had had custody of for a day or two insisting that this was a HUGE mistake and my husband really must do something because this child was not coming home with us. Now that's hard to admit because we already had her! Even a week or two home I felt like I may have made a big mistake. Luckily my husband's cooler head prevailed :) and 18mths later the best decision we ever made is napping in the other room...
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Angie, We always wanted children, in fact we had our two bio children when I was in my late 20's. In our early 40's we are not finished, and right now adoption is the way for us to go. My husband was concerned about our ages, but we are healthy so why not?I have always worked, even when my bio kids were babies (took the normal 12 weeks off). I never calculated the cost of how much it was going to take to raise them, because if we did we would never have had children or wouldn't be adopting right now. You will never be ready financially or mentally to have kids, I went through panic when I was pregnant with our kids on how was I going to work, or how was I going to pay for day care, or who is going to take care of them when they are sick and I have to go to work. These are all the things you have to think of. Everyone (accept those that are financially well off) has a financial situation that can be changed at any time. Having a baby or adopting is a huge commitment. My first was colic, my second was born early and my third, well we are waiting for her. There are times when you want to pull your hair out but I promise there are many more times when you look at your little girl or boy and see so much love! I will never regret having or adopting. I will be thinking of you as you try to make your decision on your next steps, the best of wishes!
Angie - first of all - no one would blast you for that kind of honesty - as previously mentioned. :grouphug: I'm sorry you are having doubts, but I think it is totally normal. It is SCARY to think that you will be responsible for another human being! My thoughts echo, almost exactly, Trish's. We had two bios when I was in my 20's and tried for years for #3. When we were thinking of TTC #1, we said that we really weren't financially ready...to that my father said that if you wait to have the money, you'll never have the kids. So true. Yes, they are expensive, but as others have said, I'd live in a cardboard box to be their mother. I feel the same way for our daughter in China. I remember being very pregnant and panicking - what if I can't do it, what if I'm a terrible mother, what if he gets sick...what if, what if? He's 12 now and seems to be doing just fine! It is a leap of faith, but just by virtue of the fact that you are thinking of this - you are already a great mother! Think of all of the people whom bring babies into this world with little regard to how they will be raised. Seek support, continue to process it, and realize, as others have said, that you don't have to decide now...you have some time. My best to you.
I suggest you guys just cool-it-down.
You already paid the bulk of the $$$...you don't have any big adoption expenses soon...and you won't get a referral any time soon.
You have a lot of time to figure things out...don't stress yourself out. Let yourself look at all posibilities slowly.
Things have a way of looking more cheery when the weather improves.
I can totally understand how you feel. I was never the type of person who wanted children but once I met and married my husband it then felt right. We later found out that we couldn't have any of our own. It's taken us a long time to reach the decision to file for adoption. After we went to the seminar last year, I filed the papers away and decided it wasn't for me so I went out and bought a sports car!! Even though we are in the process now and my heart is fully there, I still have my moments where I am scared to death and think "What am I doing?" My husband seems to be more of the level headed one and calms me down. Yes, there will always be financial strains on a family. Are there any other underlying issues to wanting a child besides that? Maybe sit back and wait, because that's what we all have plenty of right now - time. And keep posting, we're here to listen. :)
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I had doubt on the way to the hospital with my son and my first daughter. How can I do this but all worked out and now we have 4 children but I always wanted children just never thought I would have 4 with a 5th on the way. I am not blasting and commend you for being honest. I feel that some people are pushed into having children when they really do not want them. Some turn out ok others resent the child. You have to do what you feel is right for you and your life. If you decide not to go thru with the adoption, that is ok. Better to know now then when you get back home. I will admit the past year with Kennedy has been wonderful but also very trying. She has pushed my patience beyond belief. She cannot drink milk and we did not know for 6months, so all she did was cry at night. She still does sometimes. Adopting is different than bio children, because they come from environments that are out of our control and we have to be prepared to deal with every aspect of that.
Hugs and I hope you feel better. Make the decision that is right for you! and do not let anyone make you feel bad for that. Honesty is the best policy is this situation.
HUGS!
I can understand how you feel, Angie! I've had doubts often during our 13 month wait. I probably worry about it once a week. I'm a doubter but nature but luckily my DH reassures me that we're going to be fine. I love the quote that Oleson1 used. I'm gonna print that and keep it close! I agree with all the other posts that you have quite a while to wait before you'll receive a referral so you have time to make a decision. You may have a few more life changes before you actually get the referral so think of it as good practice for parenthood if you decide to proceed. Nothing in this adoption journey has gone as we planned so I figure this is good practice for when we finally get her. One thing I have learned from all of this is that there will never be a good time to have a baby. We waited until we felt we were financially stable (as if that is ever true). Then we found out we couldn't conceive a baby. We decided to adopt and while waiting for referral my mother passed away. Now I really regret waiting so long. I would have much rather had memories of my child with my mother and all her advice when I'm parenting than all the money in the world. Will I quit doubting so much? Probably not but I've learned that doubting will not change or help anything. I'll be thinking about you and praying that you make the right decision for you. Only you'll be able to do that. Hang in there!
Angie;
I think it is wonderful that you have the courage to talk about this. I hope that in time the right path will become clear to you.
Just a caveat regarding the previous post: "You already paid the bulk of the $$$...."
Unfortunately, the majority of the expense is still to come. It comes during the travel phase.
The "good" news though is that you likely still have quite a bit of time until then, and perhaps you can try and save some money or fundraise.
I just don't want to you to really think that the majority of the expense is behind you. It isn't. We just returned from China at the end of September, so I know.
Sorry!
Hang in there. We are all here to try and help, or just to lend an ear, or whatever! :-)
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Thanks a lot, everyone...
I have a lot more perspective now. I think I was just "freaking out". It's nice to know others have felt this way, too, even when on the plane or AFTER receiving the child.
I know from our adoption class that there is a possibility of post adoption depression, but I was like, "Pre adoption depression??? What the heck?"
It's a long wait...I think that's the biggest issue. I'll be okay...I've got a lot of support.
Thanks...
Angie:rockband:
*wanna be a rock n roll mama*