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Hello everyone - I am just starting to view this forum as we brought our Ason home in July. However, he just had his 1st Bday and BMom just sent a gift and card. I am fine with all of that as we agreed on a semi-open...meaning there can be correspondance only through photos and letters. Here is my problem...I just read the card and BMom signed it "Love your Mommy and Daddy". This is the first correspondence from her, so I think now is a good time to set some boundries in terms of what she will be to him. I am not OK with her signing that. How have all of you dealt with this? I would love some ideas on how to approach her in our letter that we are sending out this week. Thanks!
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I think I'm going to play devil's advocate . . just to bring a different viewpoint. I totally agree that if you are severly uncomfortable with the signatures that you may want to speak up . . . but let's look at it another way. If the the only contact you have is in writing and the only thing your child will likely have on his/her 18th birthday are writings, pictures, etc., then what's the big deal? Just because they call themselves "mommy and daddy" does not make them mommy and daddy. You are mommy and your husband is daddy. Period. This card, when your child sees it some day, may bring him some loving acceptance and may help him feel less abandoned by the b-parents. And you allowing him to have it, would show your security in the knowledge that you are his parents and that you love him enough to allow him to see any and all documents that were sent to him - even the ones you deem inappropriate. It will go a long way in allowing your child to feel trusted in making his own judgments about who is parents are. And coming from an adoptee, the answer in my own life are the people that raised me - my "real" parents.
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Just weighing in here....We have had a very open adoption with our daughter's birthmom since her birth nine years ago. Birthmom always referred to herself by her first name, as did we, and things were great until she decided to parent her second child, born when our daughter was 6. Birthmom has now decided to discontinue all visits with us. She sent our daughter a birthday card, unfortunately mispelling her name, and signed it Love, Mommy-she never did this before. Our daughter wrote her a thank you and signed it YOUR BIRTHDAUGHTER. Very interesting, huh?
DSmall - We have been bouncing around what our DD should call her first mom and dad. I am still uncomfortable referring to them when we are all in a room together... or when I hold DD up to the phone so her birthmom can hear her babble, I am a little stumped at what to call her. We have a close relationship with DD's original family but I still struggle with what they should be called. I asked birthmom about it and she didn't know either. Aunt and Uncle don't seem appropriate. Mom and Dad are out of the question for us... there can only be 1 Mommy and one Daddy IMHO. I read somewhere on here, I think, that a child called his/her birth mom and birth dad, "bmom" and "bdad". I thought that was a cute endearment and not quite the same as mommy and daddy. In the end, I believe that in time DD will help us figure out what is best. But I agree with everyone else. You should really communicate with her birthparents on this one and let them know how you feel. Best of luck! Karen
I totally agree with Kelseesmom...
When DS' birthparents came to our home (for the only visit they've ever made our way) a month after DS was born, I brought up to them what they wanted to call themselves to DS. Birthmom said that she thought she could be MommaDxxx and birthfather could be DaddyTxx...
Even though I was feeling serious insecurities, I told them that I felt that using "Mom" or "Dad" (or any version of them) in their names would "confuse" DS when he was old enough to understand...
The subject was dropped with them not choosing any kind of special title and we just refer to them by their names...
They don't refer to our DS as "son" around us, but I'm sure they do within their families....
Kat
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We had this come up recently. Fortunately in our adoption agreement is specifically states that b-family is to respect our roles as mother and father. This being kind of stated, I talked to bio-gma about what b-mom might feel comfortable being called. Kind of on her won she started signing everything Auntie-(name). It works for our situation.
Thanks everyone! In our agreement it is stated that it is mine and my husband's decision as to the contact details as well. So, I think that upon finalization in Jan. we will contact her and let her know that we don't want our son being confused by a name with "mom or dad" in it. We have agreed that we want her to just sign her name. Our agreement is considered "open" just because we met before placement and have recieved her social and medical history. Our contact agreement is only letters and pics once a year. So, I think that this will not be much of an issue until DS is older and desires a relationship with Bmom. Then, we can allow him to make this decision with our support.
I certainly feel you should do whatever makes you comfortable, but what I don't understand is the "confusion" that a child might have if he called his birth parents a name with mom or dad in it. Most children have grandmothers, grandfathers, godmothers, etc and there is no confusion as to who those people are. Like I said, I don't think there is anything wrong about you feeling uncomfortable, but in my opinion, it wouldn't confuse your child if they were given the proper information.
denisenw5
I certainly feel you should do whatever makes you comfortable, but what I don't understand is the "confusion" that a child might have if he called his birth parents a name with mom or dad in it. Most children have grandmothers, grandfathers, godmothers, etc and there is no confusion as to who those people are. Like I said, I don't think there is anything wrong about you feeling uncomfortable, but in my opinion, it wouldn't confuse your child if they were given the proper information.
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I think every situation is different. I took my queues from this forum - and when my 10 year old daughter started calling me mom, I freaked out - based on some of the things I've read here. It finally ate me up so much I called M's mom to talk to her about it and she laughed so hard...she said M could call me whatever she wanted...it wasn't her place to tell her what to call me, nor was it mine - she would do what felt right for her. Up to that point, she called me Brandy. I only share this so you know that the opinions shared here are NOT the only opinions out there - there are amoms out there who don't feel the name 'mom' is reserved only for them...my daughters mom is one of those moms...proof that there is no 'normal' in adoption :)
BrandyHagz
I think every situation is different.
I took my queues from this forum - and when my 10 year old daughter started calling me mom, I freaked out - based on some of the things I've read here.
It finally ate me up so much I called M's mom to talk to her about it and she laughed so hard...she said M could call me whatever she wanted...it wasn't her place to tell her what to call me, nor was it mine - she would do what felt right for her.
Up to that point, she called me Brandy.
I only share this so you know that the opinions shared here are NOT the only opinions out there - there are amoms out there who don't feel the name 'mom' is reserved only for them...my daughters mom is one of those moms...proof that there is no 'normal' in adoption :)
DSmall
Thanks everyone! In our agreement it is stated that it is mine and my husband's decision as to the contact details as well. So, I think that upon finalization in Jan. we will contact her and let her know that we don't want our son being confused by a name with "mom or dad" in it. We have agreed that we want her to just sign her name. Our agreement is considered "open" just because we met before placement and have recieved her social and medical history. Our contact agreement is only letters and pics once a year. So, I think that this will not be much of an issue until DS is older and desires a relationship with Bmom. Then, we can allow him to make this decision with our support.
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For me it's not about confusion...Kids seem to adapt...
I fall into the category of the amom's who do NOT want to share the mommy/mom/momma title.
and I agree...when they are old enough to decide, that's their choice. But right now, we are the ones making the decisions, and we chose to go by first names.
Kat - your explanation was right on about "Grandmothers and Grandfathers" being a broader term. However, names with Mom and Dad in it being directed to the main parental unit is in my opinion, mine and my husband's alone. Just like Leigh stated, I don't want to share the title either. To everything there is a season and I am sure there could come a season that my DS may have the desire to address Bmom and Bdad as something more personal. But until then since I am the one who stayed up rocking him with a fever until 3:45 am the other night...I want to be the only "mommy". Thanks for all your opinions, I value all of them, even the one's I don't agree with. That is what is so great about adopting in this decade, everyone is so open about discussing it with democracy.