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Well, I don't really know where to start. I found out a few weeks back that I am pregnant. Before I got pregnant my husband and I were considering carrying a child for my sister and her husband to adopt since they can not have children. AND that is all they want. My sister wants children more than anything in the world. My husband and I already have 3 children. Our youngest is 2 yrs old. I never wanted 4 children in a million years. My husband and I talked about it when we found out and at first he said we were going to keep this child. Then, a week later, he started talkin about adoption but not to just anyone. He would only do the adoption if it was to my sister and her husband. BUT NOW that I have already talked to her about it, I am starting to have 2nd thoughts. I did this with my 2nd child. I wasn't ready nor were we finally ready for a 2nd baby so we were gonna let her adopt but at 7 months pregnant I decided to keep my child. I broke her heart. I really need some advice on how a woman feels after givin her child up for adoption, and especially from women who already have children, if anyone would please give me some advice. I am having BIG 2nd thoughts BUT also don't wanna hurt my sister again. I really don't know what to do. My husband says he is with me on whatever decision I make. He will back me up NO MATTER WHAT. OH GOSH...I just need some advice....someone plz help. THANKS.
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Just remember that the "decision" to place is made again and again. You cannot make a truly informed decision until the baby is in your arms. How you feel about the adoption while seeing, holding your child, "meeting" them for the first time, is an important piece of information that really needs to be part of the decision making process.
The hardest day will be the day you are seperated for the first time. It is like amputation. There will be months, maybe years of deep grieving. Losing a child is never easy, even in an open adoption, even when it may be the best decision.
We are here for you.
Need Advice
The hardest day is going to be the day I give birth, but we will get thru it. Thanks for everyones advice.
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Well, I can see there are many people who do not approve of my decisions. None of us, my husband and I, my sister and brother in law. none of us plan to lie to this child. That was one of the first things we all talked about. We do not want any of our children to lose the "sibling bond" and they won't. My sister and I are very close. She thinks of my children as her own and takes them for weekends and holidays when we don't have any plans and they love her to death. This child will be no different. It will be loved to death by my sister and her husband and by me and my husband. My daugther already knows the whole situation and has known about it for over a year now. She knew at some point I would be carrying a child for my sister. My daughter only had one request....it has to be a girl...LOL but we all know we can't "make" that happen. I know it will be hard. I have thought it thru a million times. And since everyone keeps puttin the "financial situation" of my family in their posts....yes my husband and I have the finances to care for another child. That is not our reasoning behind adoption. There is alot more to the decisions. Everyone thinks I'm doing it cause I "feel" like I should Help my sister become a mother or because I'm not financially able to care for a child. Neither one of those reasons are true. If you knew me or my family u may understand. But none of u actually know me. I thank you all for your opinions and advice you have given me. some of it has helped me with my decisions and some of it has just been you guys disagreeing with each other. That didn't help at all.
Need- I'm sorry if it sounds like I don't approve, you sounded a bit unsure in some of the posts, and I remembered teetering back and forth myself. The relationship that you describe with your sister's family is what Jeff and I hope to have with his sister's family. When you were talking about how you wouldn't want anyone other than your sister to adopt your child, it really hit home. We'd said those exact same words not very long ago. Best wishes to all of your family.
bromanchik
OP, please do not place this baby to give your sister a child. Adoption really boils down to finding a home for children who need one, not finding a baby for parents who want one. If you really believe in your heart of hearts that you do not have what it takes to raise this child, to provide for them what you feel they need, then adoption may be the right decision. However, if you are thinking about doing this for your sister's sake, please think again. Seperation of mother and child should only happen if it is the best thing for the child. What might be best for your sister should not factor into this decision.
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My dear,The birthmoms here are trying to protect you. Because they have been there and done that. They know from first hand how difficult adoption can be for everyone. if there is a way to prevent it I bet most of the women would do everything to prevent that seperation.You think "you know better" but what I am afraid is when you start to really understand the consequences of adoption it will be too late. Will you be able to talk with your sister when it really hurts? Will you be able to share your feelings. What will it be like when your sadness will be her joy and you will carry it all through your life. What if your relationship with her changes a lot and surprises even you. it may bring out the best in both of you and it may also bring out the worst. I dont know.Why put yourself and your children and this baby into circumstances where the come out may hurt you, your inner family, the relationship between you and your sister etc.Anyways, it is your life..I really wish the best for you and your family. Good luck.
Wow. I have three children with my aunt and Uncle right now, and twin boys with my mom. I'm pregnant with twins boy and girl, and am not ready to place them with the family I chose on Jan. 12. I know how it feels to place for adoption temporarilily and permanently. My mom and the twins and I see eachother frequently. I will always be their first mom, and my mom is their mom. My first three in Montana, who I haven't seen in 6 months, know I am coming back for them. I suggest that you are clear what you want in the adoption. She and you and everyone involved will be totally blessed for it, and if you set guidelines. Amount of contact you want with the child, how you will be an auntie, but how you will explain to your child when they are ready what you did for your sister, their mommy. They will be so loved. Make sure she understands you want an open adoption. This is your choice and your child. I'm glad you have your husbands support. Do what's best for your child. Maybe you need to also know that God loves you and your children so much and binds you altogether. When your'e afraid, pray, and see what He wants for that child. Don't need to succumb to any pressure. I know how precious children are. They are such a blessing and adoption is very unnatural. Its the most unselfish thing a human could do. I trust God that He is going to use this experience to bless me and strengthen me and always bind our hearts together, until we are together again.
God bless on your decision. I know that this hasn't been an easy decision for you or your husband and praise you for your thought and consideration. You know better than anyone what is ultimately right for your child, family, and future. It won't be easy, but life rarely is, even under the best circumstances. Stay strong and good luck for a happy, healthy pregnancy!
-Snowbyrd
[FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"]Well I haven't been on here in a very long time to let everyone know what was going on. As most women know...while you are pregnant you share a special bond with your baby and even though I was thinking of giving her up for adoption to my big sister, I bonded with her. Once she started kicking and moving around...My feelings changed completely. I knew there was no way in the world I could give her up. OH and I had a baby girl and we named her Hailey! She was born June 16th and she is beautiful!! Just wanted to thank everyone for their advice! It all gave me alot to think about before making my decision. I hurt my sister but it's all good now and we're talking again and she is now raising money for her adoption in the future. My husband and I are goin to help her out since we couldn't give her a child. THank you to everyone!!! [/FONT]
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How sweet of you to share the news of your new daughter. Sounds as though you have a wonderful family. I am sending heaps of blessings to you all, especially for your sister and her husband as they continue on their journey. I can't imagine them having more compassionate support than you. Happy G'Ma