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Hello everyone.My baby girl is 10 weeks old now, and she's very healthy. The mother and I broke up before I knew she was pregnant and we have a civil relationship now. I have been working full time and she has been taking care of our little girl. She lives with her mom, I live with my parents. We are both in our mid 20s.Now... I have a few complaints to make, and I feel I can't really talk to anyone around me about them, because of various reactions and one sided advice they'd give.Our girl was born 10 weeks ago, and the mother and I decided to sign a volentary paternaty forum... although that has yet to happen. I suggested a paternaty test when i found out, but she flipped out. I do trust her, and I know the baby is mine.Anyway, I haven't signed the forum yet. So I'm not the "legal" father of my baby. The mother keeps ***** footing around it, saying we'll get to it eventually.Okay... and now I am working full time. She takes care of our daughter full time. I have been giving her 500 dollars a month since the baby was born. She has just recently asked for more... but Im at my limit. I could get another job I suppose...Oh, by the way, we haven't gone through the court system. We've been trying to work it out ourselves... but I feel its totally one sided. My extended family hasn't met the baby, my parents have only seen her a hand full of times. And even I get to see her maybe once a week. I feel like if I say something or demand a change, she'll never let me see her.So I guess all I want is my family and myself to have a bigger part in her life... considering I'm giving double what she'd get if we were on child support.Any suggestions how I should fix this? Or what I should say to the mother? Should I go through the courts? Should I even get a paternaty test this late in the game?I've read that if you sign the voluntary paternaty forum, you don't really have all the legal rights you would have if you got a paternaty test.Any info would be great.Thanks
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You definatley should check what the laws are for your state. It is probably out on the web somewhere. It sounds like you love this little baby so you need to fight if you have to make things good for her. But, that also means you should look at all the pros and cons to make a good solid decision. If your state does what you say in your last sentence I would want the paternity test so that I knew I could see my daughter more. Hopefully you all can come to an agreement on it. It doesn't always take a lawyer to have a wonderful arrangement between 2 parents for their children. Hopefully just the 2 of you can sit down like 2 adults and come to an agreement. Good luck in your journey. Remember to keep your daughters best interest at heart.
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500 a month is definitely A LOT more than you'd get on child support. When my daughter was first born, her father freaked out and did'nt really pay her much attention. We went on child support and he was only ordered to pay 90 a week. Of course he eventually gave more than what was ordered and eventually we got back together and are now engaged, but what I'm trying to say is...you should try to talk to her and explain to her your concerns. A paternity test isn't too late...We did one when My daughter was 7 months old because that's when he got up the money to have one... I'm sure things will work out. Good luck!
You REALLY need to go to court and have custody, visitation, and child support worked out. Here is why. Until you have established paternity & custody/visitation you are NOT the child's [legal]father. You have ZERO rights. God forbid if your child was in an emergency situation, if her mother passed away, if her mother decided to give her up for adoption. or move out of the country there would be little you could do with out establishing yourself as a legal father of the child. The mother can withold visitation from you at her whim. She is not legally required to provide visitation(even if you are on the birth cert.) until the court has ordered a visitation schedule. The mother can legally have you charged with "kidnapping" at anytime in which you have your daughter in your custody, if you bring her home from your visits late, or if you take her out of state exc ...because you are a legal stranger...even if the child is biologically yours.....until you establish paternity. That 500 dollars you are providing every month is NOT child support. This is considered as a "gift" by the courts. If this agreement lasts until the child is 18....and at that time the mother decides to take you to court...you will be ordered to pay 18 years & thousands of dollars in back child support....despite your {non-legal} child support payments over the years. Those payments are not child support and you will be legally required to pay back child support if...with in anytime...in the next 18 years....the mother decided to take you to court. Do you really trust her enough to ensure that over the next 18 years(a very long time) your relationship will stay the same and she will not legally come after you and sue you for more money? PLEASE...for your own protection spend the extra time & money going through the court system to ensure that your, the mother's, and the child's best intrests are protected.
Please get legal representation. Not for the sake of being adversarial, but because you need someone who can fully inform you of your rights and help you to negotiate an agreement that establishes your paternity, documents a fair child support payment schedule, and gives the child full access to both sides of his immediate and extended family. Your family is not just your family, they are the child's family and until you can establish rights for custody and visitation the child is deprived of those relationships. There doesn't seem to be any reason why you cannot seek joint physical and legal custody, which you need in order to be able to participate in decisions about your child's upbringing, education, medical care, etc., and fully participate in your child's life as his father, not subject to the whims of the mother. Both of you should be accountable to the agreement established by the courts as they determine the best interests of the child if you are not able to agree. Please do this NOW before you lose any more time with your daughter or blindly put your daughter's fate in the hands of a youthful relationship with no outside accountability.
Not to jump in late on a thread, but I'm a paralegal. Last year the attorney I worked for took a paternity case for a father. Turns out he was one of *SEVEN* men that this woman was getting under the table child support for his kid. Yeah, he was the lucky dna winner. Even luckier because my attorney was fab and got him custody for a variety of different reasons. So, protect yourself, protect your child, and go to court. It doesn't have to be adversarial. You can file an agreement and might never have to appear in court, depending on the laws of your state. Sarah
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I would suggest you spend the money on the paternity test. I have 6 children and my ex only pays $731 a month for all the children. You definitely need to go through the courts and get visitation rights. Get it in writing! Your child needs to know you are going to be there when she is older. Keep seeing her and be a part of her life. Please don't let anyone or anything get in the way of you being a father to her. It sounds like you are doing a great job so far, keep it up!
Have a paternity test done, and go through the courts for everything. You will then know what your rights are exaclty and not have to go through any games in order to see the baby. Take the needed steps in order to protect your rights, and don't rely on what the mom says or does. You need to establish through the courts the amount of child support you need to pay. If you think about it you are paying anyway so you should have the courts aware of this. Otherwise, you will continue to have the mom telling you what you can and cannot do. Legally you have rights and you need to get to the court house and do what is best for you and your child. I wish you luck, and it seems you are extremely responsible and will do the right thing. Please do not just take her word and trust things will be okay, think about it the baby is only 10 weeks and you are already having problems. Get your visitation rights, or whatever you want, and take this to court.
I haven't read anyone else's replies (I'm lazy) so I may be repeating myself. First I think it's amazing that you want to be part of your baby's life. A lot of fathers don't feel responsibility for some reason, maybe since they aren't with the mother and the baby didn't live in them, they dont connect the baby as theirs. Who knows? Anyway, always go through the court! If she wanted to start getting child support, she could sue you for back child support (even though you paid it) b/c you didn't properly document it through the legal system. I think it's a little suspicious that she is pushing off the paternity test. I definately think you shoulod get on right away, not because you have doubts but because when you get the court system involved you legally get custody or visitation (with established paternity) instead of when the mother feels like letting you see your daughter. She cannot take your right to visitation away because you establish paternity, if anything you would be able to get set visitation and probably see your child more often. I would recomend getting ahold of an attorney to find out your rights in your state and begin the process of legally taking responsibility for your daughter so that ex-girlfriend can't turn around and try to **** you next time she gets a mood swing.
Whether or not you go through the courts you should get everything down in a legal document. A court order is always more enforceable then a private contract but it is still important to have everything written out. I would suggest trying to get a consent order (this an agreement you both negotiate and sign but is entered into the court) that lays out all the custody and support arrangements. It should include vacations and holidays as well as family important days and summer vacations. It should include weekly (or biweekely or monthly) visitation schedule. It should include the current child support amount along with how future child support will be calculated (by the state guidelines usually). It should include provisions for modification of child support and the termination. It should include language that states what the legal and physical custody should be. A consent order or agreement can be written to say that "...support and custody will be at the mutual agreement of both parties but in the event they are unable to agree..." This allows for flexibility and also allows for answers to arguments that may come up. If you can do this on your own, fine. If not I would suggest consulting with an attorney. Samantha
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