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Hello all! I'm fairly new here but I'm sincerely looking for some insight into recent events....to give you the readers digest version of "my story" - I am a birthmother to a 22 year old woman that I've been in recent email contact with. You see I found her listed here 10 days ago and long story short after registering one night I was talking to her via email within 3 hours - a truely amazing exprierence! But to give you a little back-story...I placed my daughter through a private adoption, In "thoses days" open adoption was in it's infancy so mine was really as open as it got back then. I chose her parents, I met with them several times, we discussed the child being raised with the understanding that she was adopted...we all agreed that she was special because so many people loved her and wanted her - she was not just "given away". And once I "selected" them, I came to feel the baby I was carrying was theirs, not mine...I guess detachment was easier for me. I was aloud to write her a letter, which they promised to give her - along with a picture that I placed in a handmade box for her....now please understand I poured my heart and soul into this letter. I told her everything, I gave her all of my info, including my SS#, so that if/when she wanted to she could find me without years of searching. I tried to answer every question she might have so that she wouldn't spend years wondering why... Fast forward 22 years, I find her, make email contact and find out she has the box, has the picture but no letter - she didn't even know there was a letter and said "boy, if I had that I probably would have looked for you years earlier"...I was crushed but figured her aparents just felt that it was better to hang on to it until she was older, but she turned 21 in January. So to me, that have no plans on ever giving it to her and now I think it was held as a test - if she ever asked about it they would KNOW that she had been in contact with me....just my thought... Anyway, Bdaughter and I are having a wonderful time chatting across email for a couple days, she's excited and happy that I have contacted her, we've sent current pictures back and forth, I've told her where I am now, about her two 1/2 sisters, everything except the questions I know she really wants answers to but is afraid to ask - everything "the letter" would have explained to her. Now the reason I haven't done this yet is I'm trying to be respectful of her - I honestly feel that I couldn't have gotten in touch with her at a worse time in her life - she's a senior in college and is in the middle of all kinds of senior projects, finals, etc. So I have been trying to keep my emails light and just waiting until her finals are over before I "lay the heavy stuff" on her. Besides which it's been awefully hard for me to go back 22 years to re-live everything and write it all down (again).... So I think everything is going along fine, I know she's blow away and going through the same rollercoaster of emotions that I'm going through, but all in all it starts off as being a positive expierence for both. That is until I stumble across her myspace page and read her recent blogs (something I wish I'd never done, it's really been a double edged sword)... In her blogs shes talks about the excitement with me and how suprised she was that her parents were being supportive. The next day she speaks about how sorry she is that she's let so many people down including her aparents who have told her that they are "hearbroken and upset" that she has chosen to return "my mom's emails"...I tried to let that one go by (I was thrilled to see her use the word mom when she meant me!) but all of a sudden I didn't hear from her for a couple of days...again, tried to let that go by knowing how busy she is right now but last night blog entry states that her Mother is making so many snipes about it (contact/me) that her Mother's comments are now unwelcome. So I ask you - what does this woman have against me? Why is she making sniping commets to her daughter about 1st contact and/or me- what have I done so wrong? I gave her the most precious gift in the world - the chance to be a mother! Why am I the bad guy? I feel like she lied to me 22 years ago and I feel so betrayed!!!! Why would they agree to give her everything I sent with her and then withhold "the letter" from her. Why don't they want her to get her questions answered? I understand that aparents are not the superheros we as bmothers sometimes think of them as and feelings change over the years but in my opinion if you are planning to be and aparent you HAVE to EXPECT that one day your child will want to see/meet/talk to people who look like them...and I would urge anyone in this situation to support their children in this quest...they have enough love to go around for all of us. I don't want to take her place, how could I she will always be her "Mom"...don't withold from them, it only hurts all of us...I had nothing but love and respect for this woman who is her amother, why can't she feel the same way about me? What did I do so wrong? thank you for listening to the ramblings of a hurt and upset birthmother - your comments/suggestions and or support are incredibly appreciated....
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Which is why I very clearly wrote, "Come on. Geez. Is there a person out there who does not already know that?" Having said that, can you show me any quantitative data from any verifiable scientific source that demonstrates what % of adoptees have a need to connect with their birth family? Show me that statistic and let me evaluate it. Data is what I do. Or where did that 'most' come from? Because as one might expect, I know many adoptees and only 1, my brother as it happens, has ever been inclined to search for a birth relative. Anecdotal? Yes. Is your conclusion otherwise? I'm a data analyst and I can't find that data, just anecdotal stuff or out of frame gathering. On this forum, heck yes, but in the real world in the big frame? No question, some adoptees have that need. I know that absolutely. I also have no question others don't. But, this is completely hijacking this thread. One post in this string struck a nerve and I responded. I have defended my unpopular (here) view, and enough is enough. Please PM me if you have some studies I could look at and evaluate. That would be interesting.
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I am also an adoptee and ad.mom like JP. I agree with JP that some (I think many) APS would still adopt knowing this might be the case. I am different from JP in that I "do" want to know who I laugh like ect... However, the longer I am reunited and finding out these things~ the stronger my love and appreciation for my Mom (A.M.) becomes. SHE is my Mom and reunion has just re-enforced that ,once the dust settled.(reunion since 1984)
JPDakota
Which is why I very clearly wrote, "Come on. Geez. Is there a person out there who does not already know that?"Having said that, can you show me any quantitative data from any verifiable scientific source that demonstrates what % of adoptees have a need to connect with their birth family? Show me that statistic and let me evaluate it. Data is what I do. Or where did that 'most' come from? Because as one might expect, I know many adoptees and only 1, my brother as it happens, has ever been inclined to search for a birth relative. Anecdotal? Yes. Is your conclusion otherwise? I'm a data analyst and I can't find that data, just anecdotal stuff or out of frame gathering. On this forum, heck yes, but in the real world in the big frame?No question, some adoptees have that need. I know that absolutely. I also have no question others don't.But, this is completely hijacking this thread. One post in this string struck a nerve and I responded. I have defended my unpopular (here) view, and enough is enough. Please PM me if you have some studies I could look at and evaluate. That would be interesting.
"Thats where my gratitude come in, she really understood my seperate personhood in this whole thing, understood my needs without her own fears getting in the way....." Dpen INDEED!!!! My Mom has been wonderful!! It is just crazy to assume searching has anything to do with the quality of the APs. I guess the boards have made me realize what a gem I have for a admom.My natural mom is pretty "hawt" too-lol (our "new" word around here)
dpen6, I too, very much understand my daughter's need to find her birthfamily. I understand her need to stay connected because just like her, I feel a closeness with them. Certainly not as much as my daughter might feel. I too would have to search if I were adopted. I know I would want to know. Thank you for your nice comments. I don't want to see any of my girls hurt. I want to support them in each of their choices. I have two younger daughters that have no desire to search. I make it very clear that if they ever decide to search that I want them to do that and not worry about how I would feel. I can take care of myself. I know it would still bring some emotions for me. Some fear once again but I will deal with it.
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Well things have certainly taken an interesting turn here :popcorn: Babypink – I know it’s been a while since you posted but after reading through this thread again your comments (and your condescending tone) have really gotten under my skin... IMHO: bmoms have very few expectations, we were told to shut up, go away and pretend like it never happened...which most of us did. I for one don’t need someone like you telling me what to expect and what not to. I listened to people like you for years, people who thought they knew better than I did – people telling me what to expect from and for my life. My only expectation here was that the aparents would keep their word! Which they did not do. JP – I hear you and understand your point...all people who adopt TODAY should be well aware that their children MAY have a need to reconnect with their Original Families. But as history shows us, that was NOT always the case. IMHO: Those that are not aware of this are still living in the “dark ages”. But I do think that if ALL paparents had been told up front... that they cannot replace the original families when they legally adopt... that it may have changed the “adoption industry” ...not that it would have changed the minds of any paparents about adopting but I think it certainly would change the “industry” of adoption if that thought process was adopted as their mantra. But, stat's are one thing (that can be totally manipulated) and discussing reasons why people act like they do is another. Early on I was looking to make sense of BD’s amothers actions - which is why I made the OP. I think what really got me was the total change in her attitude towards me. When I had something she wanted I walked on water...The amother was the one who suggested I write a letter to BD, with the promise of giving it to BD – when I discovered that promise was broken I felt betrayed and lied to... I could not rationalize whey she would break a promise she suggested/made to me. Today I'm content to write it off as more erratic behavior from a woman I really never knew. The issue I highlighted in my OP, for me, really boils down to: Do you keep you word? No matter the circumstance, no matter how difficult you find it – when the time comes – are you worth your word? Even if that promise was made 20 + years ago?
Wow! I have stayed up past midnight reading these posts. They are very timely for me as I consider how to lovingly approach all the important relationships in my life related to reunion. I appreciate hearing all the views from each member of the triad - even the tough words. Best of luck to everyone!
Blessed - I'm glad that you found some words to help you on your journey. I think that's why we are all here - to share and learn from each other. I wish you all the best in your reunion journey! But my original question to the adoptive parents stands unanswered: Do you keep you word? No matter the circumstance, no matter how difficult you find it – when the time comes – are you worth your word? Even if that promise was made 20 + years ago?
But my original question to the adoptive parents stands unanswered: Do you keep you word? No matter the circumstance, no matter how difficult you find it – when the time comes – are you worth your word? Even if that promise was made 20 + years ago? Yes,we do.We honor our promises~ALL made before God;~))
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It's nice to know that some people honor their word...but IMHO: that’s not true for everyone – why else would so many be making posts about closing open adoptions? But the way you phrased your answer "We honor our promises~ALL made before God"...does that mean that you feel all your promises were made in God's presences so they will be honored because of that or do you mean that you only honor the promises that you consider to be “made before God”? I’m assuming it’s the former but just thought I’d ask for clarity. I think I posed it more of a theoretical question for adoptive parents to ask themselves...something to make them think about the promises they are making today to the young vulnerable girls who children they are parenting.
MrsHoot
Blessed - I'm glad that you found some words to help you on your journey. I think that's why we are all here - to share and learn from each other. I wish you all the best in your reunion journey! But my original question to the adoptive parents stands unanswered: Do you keep you word? No matter the circumstance, no matter how difficult you find it – when the time comes – are you worth your word? Even if that promise was made 20 + years ago?
my daughters birthmom has told me that when my daughter is older that she will want her and not me and I honestly think that is her wish and what she intends to have happen, even though I have about doubled our open adoption agreement!! My daughter is still a baby but I already have fears!!
I'm sure it's scary for you. Remember that you are the one who is there 100% of the time. There is room in her life for both of you; it's not either or. Try to relax and enjoy every minute you have with her. (Remember these are memories her birth mom will never have and that she is probably grieving. I suspect she is trying to comfort herself by believing your daughter will want her "instead of" you. She could probably benefit from counseling to help her deal with the reality of adoption. I did not have my bson in my life for the first 32 years of his life. I am thoroughly enjoying getting to know him as the adult he is. I would frankly be appalled if he chose to turn away from his amom because I am now in his life. I enjoy watching his aparents with the grandkids. I hope your DD's birthmom will find her place as part of your DD's extended family.
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I adopted in the closed adoption era and there wasn't any either or. It's nice for the adoptee and the birthmom now to have the open adoption but blessedwithkids, I can understand your fears. I can't imagine having to live in an open adoption with a birthmom who says such unkind things. I couldn't relax and enjoy.
When I hear adoptive mothers say, during reunion, that: [LIST] [*]they fear they are going to be replaced [*]they fear they are going to lose their child [*]they feel as if someone's taken their child from their arms [/LIST] I think 'Can you hear the irony in this? Can you hear how similar these fears are to the actual experiences of many original mothers?' I do feel for anyone who is suffering. But I think that part of the suffering for amothers during reunion is because the importance of the relationship between original family members has been belittled - either at the outset of the adoption or during it. Society belittles it, adoption agencies belittle it, and many many adoptive parents belittle it. As well as deeply disrespecting the nature of the connection between the original family members - connections which are often unconscious, mysterious and enduring - it also leaves the adoptive family members completely unprepared for the depth of feeling shared by the reuniting parties. My belief, when me and my son reunited, was that both of his families (who he loves deeply but differently) would become an extended family around him. It's what he wanted, and what I wanted. At that point I felt real respect and consideration for his amother. After being profoundly disrespected by her for a number of years now, I no longer care about her feelings at all. But ultimately, the person who pays for this is our son, who would love more than anything for us all to be peacefully in his world. Had she respected me, as our son's original mother, she would not feel the fear she does. I am no threat to her - I cannot have what she had with our son, just as she cannot have what I have had. We both have very deep and precious memories of him, and both love him. But she took my child as her own, and then dismissed me. As if I was a nobody. A passerby in her life. A momentary, convenient provider. She was bound to pay for that cruelty and arrogance at some point. Her attitude to me has come back to bite her.