Curiousity killed the Newbie

I have no answer for you but I had to say that your title cracked me up. Thanks for making me chuckle.

The lack of timeline is definitely one of the hardest parts of adoption, any adoption. NO matter how much we planners like to plan, the first thing we have to realize as hopeful parents is that much of it, in fact, most generally ALL the time after approval by the agency is out of our control. It is either a SW decision or expecting parents decision how quick or how slow things happen for us. If we "match" a situation, it could happen quickly. If we don't match, the wait can get longer and longer and more frustrating. I for one (and just wait, lol, I will tell you how long it took us...) learned during the first wait that I couldn't NOT live my life in the meantime. I had to go on living even though the hope that we would be adding to our family was always on my mind. Some days it was excruciating because I thought I wouldn't stand another moment wondering if I would ever become a parent. Other days I did "quit", sometimes for 24 hours, other times for a few days, but never completely. I couldn't give up on my family and the hope that someday, we would be blessed with a family. I just couldn't do it. But the second time was easier, I guess partly because Bug was her, but mostly because I had learned to hold loosely to the idea that I had any control of the timing. I did however, have control over what our family would consider in a placement as well as how prepared we were to parent once the time happened for us (and it did, twice in four years), so I worked both to find our child, searching the province website as well as maintaining close contact with our agency, and considering some very unique situations all the while, reading books and creating space in our home for our hope to finally live here, in a breathing and living person, someday. I am also grateful, now that I look back, I would never have said this during the "wait" :rolleyes:, for that time as there were many moments of letting go of my expectations of how it would all happen, to realize that the birth of the child that I hoped would be mine to raise, was NOT my birth. The mtach, hospital experience, or even our willingness to be open was not about us, but about the woman who would be his/her mother before me. And of course, even more importantly, it was about what was best for her child and then, our child. This really was an epiphany for me and made it easier, if there is such a thing, to get through the match, the birth and the revoc period. It was learning that the same one step/one day/one moment at a time attitude we used to survive the wait was the same one that had to be there even after the child arrived. Because the bottom line is... the child was not ours until his/her mother said they were. And even then, it was our role to make sure that we kept our commitment to openness as much as it was possible and safe. As for timing, we know we were blessed in both our situations. Our wait for Bug was a little over 13 months. For Roo, just 12 months. Another thing about the wait though... I think it is really important NOT to compare. The only real answer is... it depends. Our agency told us when we asked what might make us wait longer that our ages, our callings and the fact that we lived in a rural community would hold things up. Those were three of the reasons Bug's first mom picked us. There were so many things that made the match with us that wouldn't have made the match right with many other families. So really all you can do is be as open to situations and possibilities as you know you can handle and be yourself. The rest will just have to happen in its own time. Not sure if all that is what you were asking for but surely is fodder for discussion...

I remember saying to my husband during the home study process "I just want to be done with this so all we have to do is wait." Oh my gosh...no kidding...the waiting was the WORST part for me. We decided to pursue adoption in 3/00, signed with our agency in 5/00, completed our home study in 9/00 (could've been quicker, but we were being kinda pokey), and our daughters were born in 5/01. We actually had a placement offered to us in 7/00 (2-month-old baby boy) that we turned down and a failed placement in 9/00 (newborn baby girl) where her mom chose to parent. All in all, the wait wasn't a long one for us, but it felt ETERNAL! Good luck to you on your journey!

I can relate the wait is horrible. It was bad for #1 and bad this time as well waiting for #2 :confused:For our DD from the time we were approved we waited 6 months, so by most standards a short wait. But it felt like forever. This time we have been waiting for #2 for just over 6 months now and it's starting to get to me. I go through phases. Sometimes I do great, others I feel like pulling my hair out. I am a bit of a control freak and having "no" control on the adoption process is hard. :mad: But i think it is better this time around cause I have my DD to focus on and she keeps me busy and happy. :cloud9:Wishing you all the best & for a short wait!

It took us 3 1/2 years for our son to arrive. However, we had 2 failed matches (one of them loooooooong) during that time, as well as we gave up and pulled our file...so really, our son should never have come to us... What I learned? My baby came to us when he was supposed to. Something I could not control.

I kind of had to chuckle at this comment because I was telling someone at Church last week that if you felt the need to learn patience or had control issues then adoption was a rough road! :rolleyes: I too find the lack of control really frustrating... :coffee: Carrie

Hey all, Thanks for the replies. I find it so amazing (yet it shouldn't because this is such a personal thing) how different people's experiences are. In a seminar I recently went to, specifically about "making most of the wait", there were 4 couples. Their waits ranged from 10 months, to 3 and a half years! My heart smiled when the first couple said, 10 months :cheer:, the second said, about 13 months :banana:, then the third couple said, 2 and a half years :eek:, and the final couple said 3 and a half years :eek:...well, talk about wiping the smirk off my heart (and face too perhaps?). The last two took the wind right out my sails.:( I know without a doubt that this will happen when it's supposed to, and in no way, shapre or form do I want anything to happen before it's 'time'...I NEED everyone involved to be 100% certain of things. After losing a baby to miscarriage, the thought of revocation puts the fear of God into me! However, this has been such a long road already, that I'm already at the stage where I can hardly imagine it being a possibility anymore - if that makes sense? Anyway, thanks, so far, for your words. This forum just makes me feel as though there just may be others out there obsessing about the same things I am? Naiter.

Hi everyone, Obsessing every day..got you. The first time was very fast for us. We registered with an agency in July, HS completed in August and on the waiting list. We were matched with our DD and our DS in October and they were home with us in December. I felt it would never happen as my DH and myself are much older than the average adoptive parent but thru the grace of god we were matched with a 3 and 4 year old. We have decided to adopt again That's right and our first adoption was 6 years ago. We registered in May and got onto the list in September with a private agency as well as CAS. Our file has been shown 2x's with the agency and 3 SW are looking at our file with CAS. I received a call yesterday about twins who are older but that is all right. So age, where you live etc etc has nothing to do with a match. I do believe that our openness with special needs and exposure to alcohol and drugs allows SW to show our file more. I can not stand the waiting and it is driving me CRAZY. Hopefully we will all be matched soon !

Naiter - Nice topic - I personally have been waiting for what seems forever just for my Homestudy. It kills me when people tell me that "friends of theirs adopted and it only took one year" Sure - whatever - you may think it was only one year but it was probably many before they got to the point when they started to share their journey with you..... Last night i was torn appart inside. My sister and our mutual friend had me over for dinner with their husbands - our many dogs (4 dogs between the 3 couples) and my nephew (8 wks old) Any ways... After dinner, desert and then 2nd bottle of wine the topic of when my sister is having the next one. and Friend is all like "wait until i have one first" and i couldn;t help but feel like saying - what about me??? NO ONE WAITED FOR ME TO GET MY KIDS FIRST!! And I have been married the longest of them all. They don;t have a house yet - between her and her husband they have been on EI more than all of NL. (no offense).DH and i have both steady jobs/careers - We have our house - everything is getting in order - except the physialogie of it all.... And They (the four of them) were going on and on about how my DH hates kids. (he doesn;t hate them all but he is a bit of a baby-phobe. which is fine i don;t expect him to do diapers - feeding - any of that. that is what I want to do) It was all a bit depressing - it was like they were trying to rub it in that i will probably NEVER have children of my own. I will have to settle for being the Crazy Auntie for all their children. Sorry Had to vent - something like this would normally make me cry - i haven;t cried in some time, despite many deaths, and i am beginning to wonder if i can any more.

Anne- No one seems to understand how difficult and painful infertility is until they walk in your shoes! I went through similar situations with some of my family. The support went as far as your thinking about it to much, just forget about it. Just relax, it will happen. It was easy for them to say as they were holding their children! Our path to parent hood certainly isn't an easy one, but stay positive, you will be a mother and once DH settles in with your child, your friends and family will see how wrong they were with the notions they had about DH hating kids.:)