I Am Still Angry From Denial From Others

I am new to this forum and i like to introduce myself. I am 34 years old and trying my best to live "one day at a time." growing up, i always felt that i was different from the rest of my siblings. they always picked on me and made my life growing up miserable, and with good reason. i was adopted and was only seen as not another member of the family but as an 'afterthought.' i did not know that i was adopted until i was in my early teens (adopted since toddler). my step-mother eventually told me about that. fast forward to my adulthood... ...i was about 17 or 18 and i defended myself from being verbally abused by one of my step-sisters, the one especially who made my life miserable (still is to this day). she had to ask her dad to give her a hand, and before i could physically defend myself (as she was threatening to hit me with object) dad just came in time to stop the commotion. my 'old man' then started giving me **** and made it worse. he started telling me that i should be glad that i was given a chance to live, even though i was physically abused and verbally abused growing up. then came the finale... ...i couldn't believe that my 'old man' didn't want to adopt me as a toddler because i was going from foster home after another, and it was my step-mom who decided to take me. he didn't exactly say it or used the exact words but i fully understood what he told me. he didn't want me and it was with sympethectic that my step-mom was able to take me. i was hurt and angry afterwards but was able to forget about it as time passed. as the years passed, more confusions and anger. i suddenly had flashbacks as toddler. the flashbacks were not pretty and it deeply disturbed me because those flashbacks had to do with me going from foster homes to foster homes. i started having nightmares, too, and i felt suicidal at some points. but my common-law was able to be there for me and i shared my experiences with her. fast forward to present... ...it was this past summer that the 'final straw' was given to me. i was told that my REAL father was my REAL mother's father, too! i was shocked! didn't know what to think or feel, just shocked! my REAL mother is still around but we don't get along well together at all. she never wanted me to find out who was my REAL father and because of that, she was never in touch with me. so i just ignored her, too. but after being told that we had the same father, i coundn't function anymore. it was with bad timing, too, after finding out the truth from others. i asked my life-long buddy (been friends since childhood) about this since we're relatives by blood, and he was shocked, too. but the shock came not from me but having to realized that my REAL mom never told me who was my REAL father. then he told me that everybody knew, and i was further shocked by telling me that most of the people from town also knew it, too. i didn't know how to react so i just walked away from him. never looked back and just decided that i should just leave town. i had no choice but to withdraw from my College course and leave town, without saying good-bye to anybody at all. i was too bottled-up with anger that i should just forget evrybody back in my hometown and head back to my current 'hometown' where my common-law lives. she was able to understand my situation and i was glad to be back with her. looking back, i now realized, too, why some people who i asked in the past of wanting to find out from them if they knew who was my REAL father, they'd just changed the subject and telling me to move on instead. they felt ashamed because they knew, and now that most of them are now long past gone, they kept something inside to themselves right until to their graves. including my step-mom and my step-dad (both long deceased, too). i also felt ashamed, too, that i feel like i don't want to head back to my hometown, anymore, where they're are better opportunities with College or work, since i'm back with my common-law. where we live, it's a very small hamlet with a population about 500-600, and hardly any jobs nor opportunities. i have been taking things easy but sometimes i asked myself, "Who Am I?" there are times that i don't want to wake-up from my sleep, and since i can't do anything about that, my common-law just tells me to move on. but it's not always easy, and i also feel like giving up, too. but i know that's not the answer, but given the situation i was in, i completedly lost trust to others. i still want answers from my REAL mom, but since my REAL father is long past gone, what can i do? it's not just me having to live like this, it's also my other REAL siblings, too, because they all have different fathers and half of them are adopted, too, without knowing who their REAL fathers. anyways, i feel i found a place to share my experiences. i somehow found this web-site and i thought it's great that i am not alone.