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I live with my fiancee (we're getting married next year) and everything has been great. We both have children from previous marriages and a few months ago, I decided to join the military. (My fiancee is in total agreement) While taking the steps to enlist, we were informed that I would be sent for my medical and ASVAB testing and then I could enlist after that. Great, we were set, completely satisfied with the new life ahead of us. The night before I was to leave for testing, my fiancee and I decided, more as a joke than anything, to buy a home pregnancy test to rule out the slightest possibility before I actually left for two days of testing. I took the test immediately - right there in the store bathroom. Immediately positive. I ran out and showed him and we both just stood there, completely dumbfounded. This was not expected and now our plans for the military seemed to be vaporizing before our eyes.
My fiancee wants me to give our baby up for adoption. He doesn't care to whom, doesn't care where, doesn't care about anything except getting "this" out of the picture so that we can fulfill our military dreams. The problem is, I don't know if I can do that. A complete stranger? How will I have peace of mind that our child will be safe and happy and well-cared for? I just don't know...and I have no one to talk to about this. Before finding out about this preg, I had insisted I didn't want more children, and my fiancee was told that he couldn't have more anyway. This is such a shock to us both.
My fiancee is a great man...he's an excellent father, excellent companion, excellent provider, etc. We really are best friends. But he is also very stubborn. He doesn't want anyone in his family to know, doesn't want to talk about the pregnancy, the only thing he wants is for this child to disappear and then for us to join the military.
I talked to his mom about it (he doesn't know) and she is thrilled about it, but also upset that I can't get my fiancee to open up more. My soon to be mother in law wants to adopt the baby...she's been looking to adopt for a while now. I'm considering this option, but again, my fiancee (not knowing I already told his mom) completely vetoed the idea. Absolutely not. I've told his mother where he stands, but she still has hopes that he will "come around." His mother is wonderful, I love her so much, but I also don't know if I could give our baby to her because she is so close to us...I'm scared it would be too hard.
My other problem is lately I've been thinking a lot of "What Ifs??"....What if we kept this child? What if this is our only chance to have a child together? (My fiancee wasn't "supposed" to be able to have any more children so this is a one in a million) The problem is, I can't tell him about my feelings because I already know the answer: Absolutely not. I love him, we have a solid relationship, and I don't want to lose him. He is very good to me and we are 100% in love and ready to be married. But sometimes I wonder if keeping this child was meant to be for us? On the other hand, I wonder if I'm being a little irrational, based on my previous decision to have no more children and knowing we might not ever get preg again down the road because of my husbands medical reasons.
If anyone has been in a situation similar to this, or has any advice to give at all, I'd love to read them. I'm sorry for making this so long, just needed to get it all out there.
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I'm not exactly sure how a human life ranks over a future in the military in your fiance's mind. When children come into the picture, even in an adoption situation, priorities in lives change. You need to sit together and figure out your priorities. If your priorities are differing greatly from his, perhaps this is the time where you need to evaluate whether you agree with his set of priorities or your own.Do not let someone else make the decision for you simply because they want you to do something else with your life. You now have a brand new life to focus on: the child.
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Mommiesgirls,Have you gone to the dr's for a pregnancy test to confirm the results of your store bought kit? I'm sorry, but I can't help but see some serious red flags here with your fiance..........As someone mentioned, issues should be faced and dealt with jointly in a relationship. No one person should be making the decisions that will impact the rest of both of your lives...........perhaps some counseling is in order. If he doesn't agree, i would suggest you get some for yourself. Whatever decision you make has to be one that YOU can live with. I know you love your fiancee with all of your heart, but sometimes times of crisis bring out a different side of people, and you may be seeing a different side of him for the first time. I hope that this is something that the two of you can work through together!!!!!!!!! Best wishes in whatever you decide!!!!! HugsKaren
First, breathe. Both of you. Second, go and get a retest - blood test this time as store bought tests can be unreliable.Third, give it a little time to sink in. This is quite a shock, completely unexpected, and first reactions are rarely reliable indicators. You're both focused on goals, very focused, and that will serve you well in life. It's just when there's an unexpected road block, maybe niether of you react as you'd expect even you would.If this pregnancy is confirmed, and you've both given yourselves time alone to think, then sit down and discuss options. You have three:1. Terminate the pregnancy. 2. Give birth and place your child with adoptive parents.3. Give birth and raise this child.If you are indeed pregnant, and choose to continue the pregnancy, you will be delayed in joining the armed forces whether you raise this child or place with adoptive parents. That does not mean you may never join, just delay until after your pregnancy concludes. Best,Regina
I agree with seeing RED FLAGS!!! I would try and work something out with you fiance, if he insists on his way or the high way if you want to raise this child or let his mother adopt, I would reevaluate your relationship. How long have you been in this relationship? (just wondering) and apparently you already know what it is like to be in a failing relationship, I think you should do what is best for the children, either way you decide, listen to what your heart says about the child, not the relationship. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you for all the responses. My fiancee and I have been together for three years. I know that I am pregnant...approx five months. I just don't know what I want...I think it would be easier if he would open up about his feelings towards this. Other than this issue, we have a great relationship. I'm just not sure if I can place with virual strangers, but at the same time, I don't know if I can place with his mother, as we are very close. And as for parenting, I don't know if deep down I want htis child, or if I am just entertaining the idea. I really have a lot up in the air right now. I guess right now I'm just looking for advice or support to help me through this. :)
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OK well that leaves you now two options - parent or place. And the good news is that you have time, even though you think you don't. Adoption options don't expire at birth. You can bring your child home, see how you all feel, then decide. So here's the thing. Both you and your fiancee need unbiased, professional counseling to work through your feelings on this. Together and separately. Your feelings about placement are normal, and healthy. Your feelings about being a parent again are also normal and healthy. And like it or not, your fiancee, this child's father, has a say too.Adoption is hard. Parenting (you know this) is hard. They both can also be wonderful (even as they cause pain) if done for the right reasons. No child should be resented, no child should be made to feel they've wrecked a life plan or been a burden. No child should also be placed when they were wanted. Remember too that strangers are only friends we haven't met yet. While it may seem strange now, you may very well meet people whom you feel kinship with, or as my son's bfamily said 'family they just hadn't met yet'. Being fearful of the unknown is normal, just don't let it stop you from exploring.Hang in. Regina
This is what I always say, everything happens for a reason! Even if it's something we don't like ) I hate that)So if he was not supossed to have this child take it from me, it's god send and I would keep the child raise it and wait going into the military, maybe this is god's way of saying this is not what I want you to do yet and to wait!This story is so strange because my boyfriend was going to enlist into the military air force and right before he left he found out I was pregnant and stayed and good thing he did,because he would not of been able to handle it because he has severe central sleep apnea and he would have been killed by now....so take it from me, everything happens for one reason or another..... keep the baby, try to talk to your fiancee, if he loves you he will follow what you want and be supportive, if he's not, then the soon to be marriage is already going to fall apart :(a strong marriage revolves around trust, communication and loyality
First, hats off to both you and your fiance for helping to protect our country. Thank you! I am not understanding how the relationship with your future husband will ever survive. Won't you always resent him for making you give up a child that you obviously do not want to give up?? IMO you need to face that reality and talk to him about it. In fairness to him, the "guy-time-line" on pregnancy can be VERY long and very different from ours. It is true that some take many, many years to come around. Yet, some take one look at their newborn child and melt away. Okay - I am going to throw an "out of the box" idea on the table and am willing to be soundly thrashed if you think it is stupid. Since working through my daughter's unplanned pregnancy, I have learned that some families are able deal with these "inconvenient" pregnancies in creative ways for the benefit of the child and the family. Is it possible that your mother-in-law would agree to a guardian-like relationship with her grandson? That way you and your fiance can realize your military careers, and she can keep her grandson in her life. That is a LOT to ask of her, but I know many grandparents who are doing this (usually so their children can finish school). Could she handle a temporary guardianship? Is she offering to adopt your child because she is afraid of losing him/her (been there!!)? I find it hard to believe that your finance really wants to give up his child. In fact, I don't believe it. He sounds like a "black and white" kind of guy, meaning - if I can't be a full-time dad now, I need to suck up my emotions "like a man" and cut off all contact with this baby. It might just plain be too hurtful for him to think of his own mother being the mother of his child? Could he handle a temporary guardianship? Guardianships take very delicate handling when transitioning the chilld physically from guardian to parent (most do it gradually). I have seen guardianships work successfully in many families but not so great in others. My husband and I are in an informal guardian relationship with our grandson so our daughter can finish college. It takes lots of communication, lots of giving, and very clear understanding that parental rights have not been transfered from the biological parents. So far, so good. We just love this little guy but there is NO doubt who is the mom (and it's not me:flower:). I wish you all of the best. Please stay in touch. Regardless of your decision, we are here to support you. Happy G'Ma