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I am a 32 yr old adoptee in semi-reunion with my maternal Bgrandfather. He told me that in order for my Bmom to move on after my birth, she shut me/my birth/existence away. I understand the need to do so. What I don't truly in my heart understand is why after 32 yrs, she can't acknowledge my existence. Like her, I had a child at 18, was unwed, from strong Catholic family,etc.. and was forced to go to the agency but my son was born a month early w/problems and I just could not do it. Yes, call me selfish...but I didn't know who I was and where I came from-how could I do that to him? I know the '90s were so different from the '70s...it was OK in societies eyes to be in my position. I know in her day it wasn't. Strict Catholic family, father in high position in military... Her husband knows about me...her 3 grown children do not. When I met her father 10 yrs ago, he told me that he thought in 5-7 yrs she would want to meet me (when her 3 kids are grown, she retires from work, etc...) Of course, ten yrs later, she still will not speak to her parents about me. I know her father told her when he met me and has tried (so he says)to talk to her over the years about me but she refuses to discuss it. Her father did finally admit to me last week that he and her mother forced her/made the decision for her. (he denied that 10 yrs ago saying that 'she knew from the minute she was pregnant that she was going with adoption') I do have her address and have thought numerous times about writing to her without going through her father. I have not done so as I fear she will resent me. (again-her father's words--resent me for 'bringing this up' and 'putting it in her face'-'making her deal with this) I know she went through such pain when I was 'given up' and I do not want to disrupt her life and cause her pain. I feel stuck with feelings of rejection and worthlessness. He says that 'of course she thinks of you-more than you know'...if it is such a deep pain, then why not try to heal it? Understandably, bringing out an old wound hurts and is hard, but would it not help her to heal that wound? I wanted to ask her father why he won't just show her a picture of me and see if that would 'make me real' to her? I just need someone to talk to as my husband thinks her father is lying to me...my husband won't discuss it with me anymore unless I write her a letter and make her deal with it. But I do not want to hurt her...sad---like everything else...I care more about everyone else's feelings than my own and suffer because of it. Any help with someone in her shoes would be nice and maybe give me some understanding and closure...
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eclare
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Like your husband, I think you should write her a letter. At the moment you are receiving all information second-hand, and just as her father was trying to save the family's status when you were born, he may be manipulating the situation to save her husband or his grandchildren now. Seeking parentage is all about the primary players...... You and your mother and father. It's fantastic that you have this grandfather who has been able to give you information, but 10 years down the track, you need to know for sure that your birthmother does not want to acknowledge you - and you can only get that information from her.
I admire your patience!! You are a saint!!!
Do what you feel is right. Go with your "gut" feeling and know that if you chose to contact her direct and it doesn't turn out the way you want it to, you entered into the reunion honorably and you have treated her with compassion and respect. Noone can ask for more.
Regards
Ann
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I was in a similar situation with my birthmother...she was contacted by an intermediary when I was 33 and initially refused contact, but she was not angry. She had effectively shut down/denied my existence as well. After being nothing short of devastated for a year or so, I began searching for her in earnest on my own. I was 99% sure I found the right person and, after struggling with many of the emotions that you did about disrupting her life, hurting her, etc., mailed a letter. The wait for a reply was excruciating - can't lie about that - but even composing the letter was therapeutic. It gave me the chance to say everything I wanted to say, knowing I may never have the chance to see her in my life. It was painful, but it gave me closure. You may find it does the same for you. I didn't go over the top emotionally in the letter...just introduced myself and gave a brief update on my life, told her that I wished to meet her and why, but that I would respect her right to privacy if that's what she wanted. Luckily, my story has a happy ending...she didn't respond to my letter (bad timing...I sent it right near Mother's Day...WRONG) but after not hearing anything, I located her sister (who I knew was closely involved with my birthmom during her pregnancy) and called her on the phone. She was the one who bridged the gap for us...my birthmother and I are very close now. It's been a real blessing. My birthmother's fears revolved around fear of upsetting my parents, fear that she didn't deserve a place in my life, fear that I would not have strong feelings for her while hers ran very deep...not wanting to face the past...having to explain the reasons behind my conception and not wanting to...she was just scared. She didn't want to face her past. She'd learned to survive despite the "empty place". If things didn't work out between us, it would have really hurt her. She didn't even want to see a picture when contacted by the intermediary...that was exactly what she was afraid of - making me "real". Your birthmother cares...she probably cares very deeply. Don't doubt that for a second. You may want to consider writing the letter, even if you don't mail it right away or have to revise it a million times. It really does help. I wish you well... :flowergift:
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this pain and doubt. I am a bmom from 1970 and back then things were pretty bad for unwed mothers. My parents forced me to move to another state and put my baby up for adoption. I'm sure your bmom thinks of you often and hopes that you are OK. Please take a chance and write that letter! I was floored when my bson contacted me and it did open up some painful memories but it was the best day of my life! His aparents are wonderful and they gave him a wonderful life with lots of love and support. I was so happy to hear that from him. Maybe my parents hadn't made such a bad decision for me after all. (Although I have to admit, I'm still angry about the way things were handled back then.) Take a leap of faith! You will never know until you do! God Bless You and GOOD LUCK! Hugs......:flowergift:
Unlike many young women in the 70's, I was not forced by my parents to place my son for adoption. He has always been a part of my story. My husband certainly knew of D's existence and I did tell my younger children. Also, I looked for him. I guess what I'm trying to say is that not all of us coped by building a wall around our emotions and memories. I'm with the others. Write directly to her. (What's the worst that can happen? How would that change the relationship you have with her now?) Are you sure your grandfather has actually told her? He may still be in a protective mode - although it's questionable whether he's protecting her or himself. (There may be a lot of anger aimed at him that he wants to avoid.) My thoughts and prayers are with you.
[FONT="Garamond"][/FONT]Write the letter, write the letter, please write the letter, you can,you can, you really can! Send it directly to her. Your bmother has the right to this experience as much as you do, even when it is you who so much wants to initiate the exchange... you have something for each other that no one else can replicate. One person's concept of "protection" is another's injury. Much love to you. :flowergift:
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I know that my family was dead against me looking for my daughter. Now that she is found and things are not good, they say "I told you so" frequently. I hid from the issue of her by simply pretending that she was always in my life....not a good way to go. I now find that I am like others, fearing my feelings run very deep while she does not really care. WRITE HER! She is not going to hate you for it....she may get upset, go slow and remember, she is a person. Suggestion, take it at her speed and remember that you are the searcher and she may simply be terrified you will hate her. :banana:
When I was looking for bmom and finally found her she had some reservations about meeting as well. She was raped and did not want to share those details with me.She to was told to put it under the rug. her mom and dad forced her into giving me up because i was the product of rape. Your bgdad may have all teh best intentions but may not want to upset the apple cart so to speak. he knows that your bmom probably already resents him for forcing her to give you up.
Write the letter. It is a difficult time for her give her space ( I know you have already) But ehre is the question of the hour are you really sure that she was told that you found her dad? Are you 100% positive that she knows you want to make contact? I woudl hate to see you write a letter to the effect that you can't understand why she does not want contact with you.. when she might not know to begin with...
Choose your timing right now like a previous poster said might not be the best of timing with mothers day being so close.......
[FONT=Fixedsys]For what it's worth- I concur with the others. Your b.mom may not have been told that you are looking. However even if she has been told I would still write. A direct request from you may yield a different response.[/FONT][FONT=Fixedsys][/FONT] [FONT=Fixedsys]Your post indicates that you are a sensitive person. Just keep in mind if you do meet that she may be a stranger to you but most likely she has carried you in her heart for 37 years. If she does agree to meet you and faces all those painful memories it will be worth it to get the chance to know you. Just keep in mind that it might devistate her if you disapear from her life again. All I mean to say is- don't take unless you are prepared to give a little back. Just my opinion- from my own experience.[/FONT][FONT=Fixedsys][/FONT] [FONT=Fixedsys]Wishing you the best-Patty:flowergift: [/FONT]
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I'm all for the letter. When my son was turning 18, I started to write him a letter. I did as one poster stated and revised it a half dozen times. It was good to get it down on paper. It ended up being 7 pages long. But it was hand-written and matter of fact. There was not an endless amount of emotions to bog him down (he is an 18 year old boy). I don't know what his thoughts were about it. I never asked. All I can tell you is my son was adopted infamily - so I have heard bits and pieces all over the place and not one person has a "right" story. You are best to handle it between the 2 of you. Parents interfered then and will interfere now. This is between the 2 of you. I'd delicately "cut to the chase" and go with your heart. Best of luck - and I don't know if you know this BUT - You MUST keep us posted. (haha) But seriously - do.
HI, Well, it's been a year and a half since you posted the question, don't know if it's allowed.....but what did you decide to do? if you want to tell us, of course. As a firstmom, who is gnawing her fingers raw, waiting to hear from her son, wanting to hear from her son; I can't even imagine being a firstmom and not wanting to hear from my child. SO if you are still on the fence......write! oh do write!.....find a night or day when you are feeling particularly brilliant and the words are flowing easily.....and write! and good luck, I hope she realises how lucky she is to have a child who wants to contact her.......I wish mine did, just a leeeetle green-eyed here!
Sally
Eclar, Not trying to be mean to granfather, but this is none of his business. My father and stepmother forced me into a situation that made me sign the papers. Until the May before he died (he died in Oct of 2003) he was very unhappy that I was looking. That May he was hospitalized and I saw him for the last time. He told me he was sorry and that it was because he was afraid that it all happened. He kept apologizing for all that they had done to me....now it is between him and his higher power. I think he would have lied to her about me - I know he would have. You want to know, contact her. If that causes a rejection, at least it is honest and from her - not someone else. Hang in there, as a birthmother I can tell you we are still women and change our minds frequently.