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Hi, new here and hoping to find someone who has/is in my shoes. We began this process two years ago. That's when we met the girls. Long story short, our oldest daughter had worked at a camp and met this foster kid (then 13). One thing led to another and this girl (now 15) and her sister (age 11) have lived with us for a year. We are in the midst of adopting them through Foster Care. the 15yo lies. She'll lie if the truth sounds better. She is sneaky. We knew all this, but I don't think we were prepared for it. This house seems to be in a constant state of stress.
My husband is so close to pulling the plug and I don't blame him. I love 15yo, but I'm so tired of trying to stay one step ahead of her.
Here's the problem, 11yo is pretty good. Not perfect, of course, but she gets it. She understands that lying and all that just gets her in trouble, so, for the most part, she just tows the line.
15yo may never change. Should we just press on, knowing that 15yo will continue to cause trouble, in hopes of helping 11yo have a fighting chance?
There is so much more I could say, but really, it just comes down to complaining.
My friends don't get it.
My older children are confused and oldest daughter (21) is tired of the fighting.
I just don't know what to do any more.
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this is one of the hardest things about adoption from fc. the question you need to ask yourself is this--if it never gets any better than this, will it be enough? this is the same thing we all ask when we have a kiddo who is tough. if you've tried therapy and it hasn't worked, or if she has issues in judgement due to a brain based issue, then you may never see improvement. is it enough? if you choose to continue, understand that your definition of normal will change and change again. will your home ever return to the level of calm you had before? perhaps. perhaps not. is love enough? is it worth it? you have to decide that.i wish i had better answers for you.
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My son was fifteen when he moved in, sixteen when adopted, and is now twenty. Has it been tough? Definitely. Is he better? Definitely. Do we have an average family? Definitely not. It is exhausting, challenging, frustrating, and rewarding. Calm? Not so much. Worth it? For me, ABSOLUTELY. Will it be for you? Only you can judge. Best of luck to you and your family and let us know how it is going.
I have a son that lies easier than telling the truth...or at least used to.
We went full force attack mode on it. I was literally pulling my hair out with this kid.
I never ask him any question he can lie about...in fact I usually just guess he did something & say something like "too bad you didn't tell us when you were coming home, I only made dinner for us." Sure I could quiz him on where he was, why he didn't call....but I no longer want to deal with the lies so it's not my problem. I ate, so I'm all set. Or "bummer you broke that, I hope you have a plan to pay for a replacement." Zero questions.
Also I assume unless there is a witness that whatever he said is in fact a lie. So whenever he talks I say things like "oh that would be nice if that happened, huh?" Seriously he did not rescue a girl off a cliff...it's a no brainer.
Being sneaky online? No problem...no online. It's not a punishment, you just can't handle it. Mine hasn't been online in 18 months. He also only gets a cel phone if he's at work...then he turns it back into us. Anything he's sneaky with just disappears, I'm fine with that.
Next be clear about the "fine" for a lie. He a lie will lose everything he likes...electronics (one week) any additional lies add a day to the sentence. When he lies I literally just say "nope that's not true" & walk in & take his stuff. No drama, no giant scene...just stuff is gone....bummer.
My kid LOVES drama...LOVES! He was loving the long drawn out talks & attention. Now we have one liners than end in seconds. We are MUCH happier & his lies are almost non existent after 4 months of this "plan".
I would have one last talk about choices. You can choose to lie & that's OK. But we can choose to withhold all things even remotely fun. Totally your choice. If you do XYZ this will happen. Then when she lies again just say bummer & issue her fine without drama.
The policy works if he lies to anyone & I find out, teacher, work, us, siblings, anyone at all. Seriously my anxiety has dropped 90% in 4 months.
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Thank you! Soup Nazi...we implemented operation NO MORE DRAMA yesterday. She had snooped through personal documents and set up a twitter account. Why do they always think they won't get caught? Eesh.
Anyway, I am thankful for all the advice and just knowing that y'all are here makes me feel less alone.
We'll see where it goes from here. The best part of telling her what her punishment will be was saying, "I'm not interested in excuses or crocodile tears. You made the choice, you pay the price."
She was speechless.
:happydance:
The love & logic for teens is great. Lots of great tips...be sure to add post-it to your favorite sections.
I love the stunned looks...that means you're winning! lol
Tiny battles to regain your sanity!
Email me anytime if you need to vent...been there done that with Lots of teenagers. They are a blast, and nuts, but mostly a blast!:love:
FYI if you have an office go buy a keyed lock for that door. Drama free & never a problem again. My office & my bedroom have locks & I never have to worry.
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