Too Late

She is dead and I don't know how to process it. It has been 12 years since I found out and I feel like I am still in limbo over it. I decided to register with Alma. I always thought when I was ready she would be waiting for me. Naive, I know. There was no instant match. We moved and I didn't update our address. 10 months later, my b-sister and b-aunt registered and they instantly matched them. It took them two years to find me since I hadn't updated my address. I got that call. You know the one. The one we all dream about... Hello. Is this Jill? yes. Jill T... Yes. Jill S.... Yes. (BY now I am starting to wonder) Were you born on October 11th, 1968? Yes.(and I started to cry) Are you her??? I asked about three times and finally the woman on the other end of the phone said no honey, I am your aunt, you mother passed away over 2 years ago. It turns out my birth mom had the month before my b-sister and b-aunt had registered with ALMA. We talked and cried for over two hours. I talked to my sister that night for hours too. Our relationship has since gone south. One very neat thing happened though. I was pregnant with my daughter when my b-mom died. I had wanted all of my children to be named after someone to give them a sense of history that I didn't have growing up. My daughter was to be named after someone on my husbands side and my middle name. The night before I had her, I had this overwhelming urge to change her name from S... Elizabeth to S.... Christine. Now, we didn't know anyone named Christine but I did it anyway. I found out later, that my birth mother's name was Christine and she died while I was pregnant. I named my daughter after my birth mom without even realizing it! My adoptive mom told me it was God's way of always having a part of her with me. I am totally rambling here.