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Hi Everyone!
I haven't beein on this forum much--for the first almost 18 months of Megan's life, our open adoption just "was". We've been very comfortable with everything to this point, so there hasn't been much to post about. But now I need some pointers!!!
Birthdad has been in jail/on house arrest/back in jail since the end of October. His charges all stem from internet solicitation of minors--basically the stuff you see on Dateline all the time (although he never got caught in a house like they set up on the show). So he's now a registered offender and isn't allowed near children for the next 10 years.
Birthmom has stood by birthdad through all this--at last count, she's still "with" him, although he's in jail 100 miles away from home and she has no way to visit him. He can't live with her when he gets out because she has a 4 yr old son.
We are very comfortable with birthmom, have no problem continuing our communication and visits with her (she's across town--we see her and her son about 5x a year for a few hours at a time). Our communication has been moved from email to phone, since her computer was seized when bio dad was arrested. We're now printing more pictures for her since she can't see the website we'd previously set up. This is all just fine with us and with her.
My question is--how do we deal with birthdad's situation? Do we send updates to the county lock up? Megan's only 18 months old, so she's clueless now--but how do we addresss issues when she's older?
Has anyone here encountered any sort of similiar situation??
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You might check with your lawyer about this. If he is a registered sex offender and not allowed to live with his son, chances are he is not allowed to recieve photos of a little girl either. This might be one of those times when an adoptive parent should "close" an open adoption? I know I would feel uncomfortable giving a registered sex offender updates on my daughter -- current pictures, address, etc. -- information he could use, or could trade to other men interested in little girls.
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I agree with MamaS - check with your attorney about the legalities of the situation. I would say keep sending updates and photos to birthmom and let her take it from there. Since he's not allowed contact with children as registered sex offender, he can't have contact with your child, either.
Oh, Mc.--Sorry to hear that...and so thankful that M is safe with you...
I agree. I would not send pictures at all to him in prison or perhaps beyond...
As far as addressing this with her when she's a little older...keep it simple and truthful. Some good ideas on how to address tough issues are in the book "Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child"--she has wording spelled out on things like substance abuse, sexual abuse, etc. that may help.
Thanks everyone for reading and weighing in--you have all reiterated what we've been discussing in depth at home.
The courts are closed today, and our SW at the agency is out of the office, but we'll be making some phone calls this week to see what's what.
Thanks, Em, for the book title--I will definitely check it out.
The internet is such a blessing and a curse...it's how I found everyone here at the forums, but it's also the vehicle for crimes against children. Argh!
I don't think we'll know much more til his hearing in March....but I"ll be sure to update if we do!
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No good news here, of course....my hubby just found a newpaper article online talking about G's arrest. It just makes my stomach turn. He's also emailed his (g's) lawyer, so we'll see where to go from here....although the more we learn, the less inclined we are to do anything but go into hiding. (Which we won't do, but seriously, contact w/ him has to be halted)
Time to go to a happier place and think happier thoughts....