Need Advice

I'm an adoptee who has been in reunion with my bmom, bsibs, and extended bfamily for 5 1/2 years....my immediate reaction to your question is don't do that.. behind her back... that would have made me angry... that my bmom would be that close... but then creating yet another "secret" that I would have to deal with at some point. I would recommend that you post your information at some of the birthregistry sites... there is one here as well as a world wide one ISSR.. Your bdaughter may be toying with looking for you... and if she found out that you were open to contact...she might contact you.. then you could offer some financial help at some point. I was full of fear for 48 years to search for my bmom... fear of being rejected, fear of what I might find, fear of them not liking me, etc.. Your bdaughter will know that you want contact if you put your information out there... just my opinion.. sal

Thanks, the birthparent also has those same fears and I have posted my information and signed up with the State Department of health in Indiana for identifing information. I do not want to make her angry and I want her to make the decision to find me. I do feel bad that I know and she does not. But like you I have those fears and what if she does not want to meet me. I appreciate any help from this site.

i will most likely wait for her to contact me. I would love more opinions if anyone has one!

It seems like both parties wait, not wanting to disrupt the life of the other. I waited 32 years. Yesterday marked the one year anniversary my mom and I made our initial contact (2 days before my birthday)!She told me that she honestly never searched. She left it up to me. She registered at one place, an organization that I had never heard of. Every year, around my birthday, I would wonder why she hadn't tried to find me yet. I guess what I am getting at is, if you want to search and find your daughter then do it. She may be hoping you find her too. There is no book on how to do this the right way. I say go with your heart!Best wishes in your decision!

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That is also a fear that she is also unsure to contact, but wants to contact me, but is waiting. I so not want to be posting on the sites where we waited too long and one of us has passed away. I have tried to register at most of the free sites and with the State. Thanks so much for your help.

I would wait and try and contact your daughter b4 you assist her financially. I dont think she would appreciate any help behind her back.

I'm not going to copy on the money part; but I will tell you that D was waiting for me to find him and I was waiting for him to find me. We both put out tentative feelers over the years. (I sent a letter to the state dept. of children services to let him know I was open to contact. He never got the letter; when he began his search he discovered that the agency was closed. I think he stopped looking then. I looked sporatically and so did he until I found him here on adoption.com in 2005.) You might want to contact her (by letter) so that she knows were you are and can contact you when she's ready.

I'm an amom, but this opinion is nothing to do with my part in the triad...just something kinda general.. Money is a funny thing. I don't know if the best place to start your relationship is with finances, kwim? Sure, you plan to do it annonymously, but you have to assume she could find out. If someone just sent ME money, I'd be figuring it out awful fast!! I would worry that this might taint your relationship in SOME way....she might feel indebted....I dunno...she may feel uncomfortable...this could cause possible problems within her family as well.... It just strikes me as not the best place to start..

I agree about the money thing...I'm sure your heart is in a good place, but as an adoptee I would feel taken aback...and would have my suspicions as to who the money donor was. Registries are a good idea. I hope you two find each other someday when you are both ready :)

I definitely do not want to cause her any upset or her family any upset. In Indiana an adoptee has to wait until they are 21 to get info from the state. She will be 21 in March. I will give her a little time to find me, then I may send a letter to her. Thanks for your help.