closing a previously open adoption

That must be very scary. I've also been through some difficult moments where I had to make some hard choices when it came to how much openess would be safe and beneficial for my child. My first question would be what kinds of contact have you had with them in the past and how often? Do they have your names, address, phone number etc? Do you have a good relationship with the birthmother or her family? What was your agreement for openness and was it legally binding?

If your sons birthfather was on America's most wanted (like I saw on another post) it sounds like he will be locked up for a LOOOOOONNNGGG time. So that should give you at least some comfort. But probably not much. Right now I would focus on maintaining your relationship with his birthmom. Tell her how you feel about her wanting to visit with her daughter or even her talking to your sons birthfather about him. Closing the adoption should not be the first step, it should be the absolute last step. There are many things you can do in between to try and keep things open. I know this is a scary time, after finding all this stuff out. But please procede with caution, don't let your fear of the birthfather ruin your relationship with the birthmother.

thanks for the support, his birthmom has our names, my cell phone # and my po box number, but its not like finding us would be that hard. up until now I have mailed her videos and letters with pictures about every 4 months although the last time the stuff was at the post office for over 2 months and since she did not pick it up they sent it back to me, she knew the package was their because we talked and she kept saying that she was going to get it, she did not tell her family about the adoption so I send everything restricted delivery

If having visits was never discussed and aggreed upon before the adoption then I certianly wouldn't start it now especially when you have concerns about your childs safety. I would just gently tell her that you don't feel comfortable doing more than what you had originally agreed upon. I'd also tell her that you do not feel comfortable having any contact with the birthfather especially given his history. I'd also ask her to not share pictures and info with him about your son. I know there is no way to keep her from sharing, but at least you could share how you feel about it. I don't think that your current arrangements of just sending letters/pictures and video's really puts your child in any real danger. But I would certianly do something if you ever see or hear any thing suspicious. I would think closing the adoption would be the very last step to take.

I think it's very easy when our children are young to decide that the relationship we're maintaining on their behalf with their biological families is not needed. In a way, that's very true: We are meeting all our child's needs at this age - social, emotional, environmental, basic, etc. Relationships with birth families can be tough, they are challenging in many ways, not the least are those ways where lifestyle and cultural values clash. It's not unusual to feel you have nothing in common with your child's birth family. That also makes it easier when your young ones are doing *so* well to say - well, nice idea but it's really not working out.When there's criminal or unsafe activity going on, even if it is 'very far away', as you say, well then there's even more justification for ending an uncomfortable relationship. Of course, you want to be safe, and no one would blame you for protecting your child from criminals and drugs and gangs.What we don't see, because we're not time-travelers, on our own is what happens when our children grow older. We cannot fathom a time when our child may need something that we cannot provide or equip them for. That's where your children's biological family comes in. There is most definitely a time, generally around ages 7-10, when your child has questions and feelings that you cannot answer or address, really, because they're not 'for' you. Answering by proxy rarely is 'good enough' either. This is where that thorny, challenging, difficult relationship you've tended to comes in.Regardless of what your son's biological parents have done in and with their lives, they are a very real part of him. Saying to your son 'your bdad is a bad man we are afraid of him and he is dangerous and evil and a criminal' or things of that nature tells him that you think that about him somewhere, because this man is part of him. Same with his bmom - negative things said (or even thought strongly - see my signature below) about either of them seep into how your son views himself and where he came from and who he is. He is the child of a criminal, a rapist and a kidnapper, and his family lives in a drug and crime infested area. That is truth, as much as he is the son of you and your family. How you shape that reality for him is pretty critical, and to shape that you've got to come to peace with that. Where you are not at peace, he is not going to be at peace. Children are amazingly intuitive.As for his sister, she is another innocent. Niether of these children has chosen anything about their lives, that has been done for them. Establishing a relationship with his only biological sibling, honestly I can't see any harm to either of them there. So...visits. I think it's good for the 4 year old, and if done regulary will be good for them both. If you're not comfortable with going there or them coming here, pick a neutral, public, safe place halfway.As for Bdad....well, he's in prison. Right now he's in prison, so kidnapping is not going to happen. He may have a history of kidnapping. To me, making him feel not shut off from his biological child would seem to reduce the threat rather than exacerbate it. My son has a biological sibling. I remind myself daily that whatever I do with their relationships, I am answerable to both of them someday, so I've got to be OK with what I'm doing now and when I see my beautiful boy grow to a man and he says "Mom, why did you?" Just some thoughts. Best,Regina