Aparent Parenting

I have written and re-written a response and I keep erasing it and starting over. So best I just say -BS. daddysangel - I was thinking of you and your DW earlier. How are things?

The article was in our local paper today. Maybe you mis-heard it b/c the article stated that AP's invest more time and money into their children and talk more with them about theri problems. This is b/c they "really wanted these children". So I find it hard to believe that AP's "ONLY parent better to prove that they're really a parent" statement was stated. And also b/c I can't believe ANY AP feels that way; if anything an AP feels more of a parent b/c of what they went thru to get a child, kwim?

Study: Adoptive Parents Get High MarksBy DAVID CRARYAP National WriterFebruary 12, 2007, 3:01 PM ESTNEW YORK -- Adoptive parents invest more time and financial resources in their children than biological parents, according to a new national study challenging arguments that have been used to oppose same-sex marriage and gay adoption.The study, published in the new issue of the American Sociological Review, found that couples who adopt spend more money on their children and invest more time on such activities as reading to them, eating together and talking with them about their problems."One of the reasons adoptive parents invest more is that they really want children, and they go to extraordinary means to have them," Indiana University sociologist Brian Powell, one of the study's three co-authors, said in a telephone interview Monday."Adoptive parents face a culture where, to many other people, adoption is not real parenthood," Powell said. "What they're trying to do is compensate. ... They recognize the barriers they face, and it sets the stage for them to be better parents."Powell and his colleagues examined data from 13,000 households with first-graders in the family. The data was part of a detailed survey called the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study, sponsored by the U.S. Department of Education and other agencies.The researchers said 161 families in the survey were headed by two adoptive parents, and they rated better overall than families with biological parents on an array of criteria -- including helping with homework, parental involvement in school, exposure to cultural activities and family attendance at religious services. The only category in which adoptive parents fared worse was the frequency of talking with parents of other children.The researchers noted that adoptive couples, in general, were older and wealthier than biological parents, but said the adoptive parents still had an advantage -- albeit smaller -- when the data was reanalyzed to account for income inequality.In particular, the researchers said, adoptive parents had a pronounced edge over single-parent and stepparent families.The researchers said their findings call into question the long- standing argument that children are best off with their biological parents. Such arguments were included in state Supreme Court rulings last year in New York and Washington that upheld laws against same- sex marriage.The researchers said gay and lesbian parents may react to discrimination by taking extra, compensatory steps to promote their children's welfare."Ironically, the same social context that creates struggles for these alternative families may also set the stage for them to excel in some measures of parenting," the study concluded.An opponent of same-sex marriage, Peter Sprigg of the conservative Family Research Counsel, noted that the study focused on male/female adoptive couples, not on same-sex couples, and he questioned whether it shed any new light on adoptive parenting by gays.Sprigg, the research council's vice president for policy, said he warmly supports adoption, but believes it is best undertaken by married, heterosexual couples.Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, welcomed the study's findings, but cautioned against possibly exaggerated interpretations of it."It's an affirmation that there are all sorts of families that are good for kids," he said. "Adoptive parents aren't less good or better. They just bring different benefits to the table. In terms of how families are formed, it should be a level playing field."The study was funded by the National Science Foundation, the Spencer Foundation and the American Educational Research Association. Powell's co-authors were Laura Hamilton, a doctoral student at Indiana University, and Simon Cheng, a sociology professor at the University of Connecticut.

Thankyou SadiegirlI was not sure I did hear it right and as well informed as everyone here is I was sure someone else would have seen or heard it.Makes me sad though because I now realize I can not drive and listen at the same time.lol Next challenge I guess is chew gum and walk.I will let everyone know how that turns out.lol Christie,We are doing pretty good.We have not heard anything from appeals court yet so there is no further updates.Wife says no news is good news.I call it the calm before the storm.I will update as soon as we hear anything. How about you?Doing ok? We hope so.If ya need anything let us know. GOD BLESS

The article (above) does say that OTHERS tend not to view a parenting as "real" so AP's "compensate". Not sure I buy that either. I sure as heck am "real" and if I buy DS tons of toys or spend lots of time with him, it's not b/c I'm trying to prove to others that I'm a "real" mom, it's b/c I love him! So I'd take this study with a grain of salt. (Although I do believe the notion that we as AP's tend to value parenting more b/c we worked so hard to become one, kwim?)

I would think if they wanted acurate and honest answers they should ask the children.I could see them asking my eight yr old. Highly educated resercher: "Do you think your adoptive parents are real parents"? 8YR Daugter looking at MOM: "How come you yell at me when I ask stupid questions"? or "DUH" or (and I get this sometimes) "I do not understand what you are talking about"? My thought would be if anyone felt that way then they really have no idea what a parent even is or is suppose to be. GOD BLESS

Also, I have to laugh b/c I think they polled 161 aparents. 161??? To me, that's not representative of the ENTIRE AP community. Now, I took a stat class in college and I realize you cannot poll EVERY AP, so you take a sampling, but that still seems a small number to me! I do think the one good thing to come from this study is that (and I mean no disrespect to BP's here) birth does not always equal best.

You did hear it correctly, in part. The way I interpret it is that Adoptive Parents think we are real parents -- we are parents because we chose to be, and we work hard at being really good parents because we wanted to be.Unfortunately society (judges, SWs, etc.) see us as second-choice. I.E. it would be best if the child was raised by his/her birthparents but since they can't parent or don't wish to, then adoptive parents are the second choice. I always thought it was odd that people would say "Oh, how sad" regarding my first daughter who was given up for adoption due to the poverty and unmarried status of her mother but they said "Oh, how lucky" regarding my second daughter whose parents were killed during the civil war in her country.

I just dont understand.....There are many women who "chose" to become parents and value it very much. How one becomes a parent shouldn't factor into whether or not they are good parents or better parents KWIM?Again, there are many good bio-parents, great a-parents.....horrible bio-parents, horrible a-parents...the problem I see is the labels we want to stick everyone with in society.

I'm just so glad your child is still with you. I will NEVER understand how the courts can even question our cases, nor how the bparents in our cases have had multiple opportunities to parent, have not done so, yet keep us in emotional, legal and financial turmoil - and WHY????????? I guess that is my anger: What is the point? Reading the AP article I understand why you heard what you did. sadiegirl - I teach Stats and Research and 161 is FAR too small of a sample to draw conclusions - definitive or not. Further, when a researcher has an "agenda" then both the original research, participants, and results can be altered in countless ways to produce desired results. I also spent three years as a research assistant and can assure you that desired results can be obtained even to a statistical significance - through methodology, sampling, etc. I take ALL research with a grain of salt and teach my students how to disect research into nothing. Kind of fun actually (if you are a nerd like me anyway). Update on my son: Our case is also still hanging around and the lawyers are "negotiating" (i.e. billable hours) and we have also not heard anything. I have good days, bad days, REALLY bad days, but I just keep going and keep praying and keep loving my son. I appreciate all you guys here and LOVE you. I am thankful to have the support of such a wonderful group of friends whom I have never met. Amazing! {HUGS}

Well reguarding the article. When I first read the post I thought maybe its because bparents are younger... I have 2 bio children and an ason. My two older children were born when I was 21 and 22. They are 18 months apart. A boy and a girl I love very much. They are now 18 and 17 and I have a 19 month old ason. I know the difference between then and now is I am older and more stable. I have a very strong marriage now. I divorced my childrens bio father when they were very young (2 and 3) I married my husband when they were 5 and 6. At that time while I would have loved to spend more time with my children I had to work. Sometimes 2 jobs before I remarried because my ex didn't pay support... I did as much as I could like a lot of young parents do. I couldn't attend every PTA meeting or party for school. I tried to let my children be involved in extra activities when we could afford it. When I did have time it was spent with them. I did my level best to keep them with me and I managed. We are very close now and I love them very much. My ason came to me at a different time. I am almost 40. I have more patients to be sure. Mostly due to the fact that I am more stable finacially and emotionally. I do spend more time with him because I don't work. I have more experience parenting and know what is important. For me that is Time. I spend as much as I can with my whole family. My ason came to me as sort of a suprise (he is my paternal nephew) but I wouldn't change anything. I think the only thing I would love to change is the labels.. My children are my children I feel no different towards any of them I have grown to hate the terms bio and adopted. I only allow myself to use them on this board. Back to the article... I think there are a lot of factors involved and I agree wih the post that statistics can bemade to look however you want them.. God bless you all in your journey.:flowergift:

Ooo Lisa, you may have touched on something here. Now I know not ALL amoms are but I think A LOT are sahm's, am I right? So that could certainly play into the "spend more time with them" deal.

SadiegirlI think your right.. From what I have observed a lot of adoptive parents have one parent that stays home but so do a lot of older people who have children later in life. Not all are well off so to speak either.. Personally we are comfortable finacially but we try to not live above our means. So do a lot of people I know. They are thrifty and frugle but would prefer to stay at home with their children. As I have said I have worked in the past and made decent money but this time I wanted to devote my time to my child last time I had no choice. I think all parents do what they can to provide for and spend time with their children. I think once you reach a certain age too that piorities change. Not to say that some younger parents adoptive or not don't put their children first, I just know that now I have the option to do that where as before I really didn't. I had to work in order to support my family. I would like to say the tone of the article is a bit offensive. I know I love my children all the same and Hate the labels. Once you have adopted a child that is YOUR child. you are not a babysitter trying to impress a parent so they will continue to hire you. You are that childs parent heart, body, and soul. I truly think that people whom write these articles and do these interviews should walk a mile in our shoes.. Just a few thoughts. I hope I didn't or don't offend anyone. :love:

I think that is why me and my wife have such a hard time with what is going on in our case.After raising a child for 8yrs of her life I can not tell the differance between her and my 5yr old.Plain and simple God gave me a job to do and whether he gave me enough money or time to do it means nothing.HE also did not give me a manual on the correct way HE wanted it done.So I do the best I can. However the court system stresses the fact that we should beable to tell the differance and treats this whole situation as repoing my car.We sit and make a real effort to understand but can not come to grips with she is not our daughter she is our adopted daughter.Even when the attorney asks us "Now what is she to you"? " My wife's sisters child" Our niece" This makes sense to him and the courts but makes no sense to us.She is our daughter and can not overcome thinking in any differant way.So when the courts treat us as like you said babysitters it angers us because we can not understand that we are not her parents and they can not understand that we are. Believe me in the court room it is brutal the disregard the judges show towards us and our child. GOD BLESS

Daddysangel I am so sorry for you and your situation. It is a nightmare for anyone to have to consider much less endure. I know very well what you mean when someone says "What is she to you" I am my sons mom. If a judge was to ask your daughter that question maybe her response would make things a lot clearer for him. I have no doubt that to her YOU ARE DADDY AND YOUR WIFE IS MOMMY THATS THAT. Unfortunally courts treat all situations as text book assingments. All situations expecially in family law are DIFFERENT and should be taken on their merits alone... The law its self is a system that can be made to look any way you want it. Its a game most of the time he who has the best lawyer whom plays the game better wins. Having gone through what I did to get my son out of foster care I know what the system thinks. They didn't want me to have him they would rather to have gave him to strangers to adopt. all because I was out of state. The cost of traveling out of state, and attorney, rooms in hotels, leaving my family for days at a time. In the end I was just blessed with a judge who had a human side and wasn't as concerned with how the law read and was more concerned with the welfare of this child. And through it all till the end was the threat by the bmom to ask for him back (she never did in court). I don't have that worry now because although she did a voluntary tpr last Jan her rights to all of her children were revoked in Jan of this year. I pray that you get before a judge that can see how devestated your daughter would be to leave her FAMILY. I am sure you have a lot of people prying fo you including me :flowergift: God Bless